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This page is satire. All names are made up, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Other use of real names is accidental unless otherwise noted.
Questions? comments? Contact Lucas Wetzel at 864-4810 or beak@kansan.com
TONGUEINBEAK
THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN
WWW.KANSAN.COM/SATIRE
THURSDAY, MARCH 13, 2003
"At first he creeped me out, but once he played Bette Midler my heart was on orange alert," said Ellie Becker.
"What light from yonder penthouse breaks?"
inquired Slovakiato as he rapidly pushed scratch noise buttons on the One-man Jam.
Serenade deemed a disaster
Editor's Note: In a recent Kansan column, Kara Warner proclaimed that "dating is defeated by casual sex." These lines saddened us here at the Tongue in Beak. And we feel partially responsible. In response, we sent staff writer Maka Slovakiato to take back the night, serenade style.
As night let fall its veil on Saturday,
Maka Slovakiato made his way to the window of his lady fair.
With Valentines Day but a memory and all heart-covered decorations confined to a single cart of discounted items at Dillon's, Slovakiato, Olathe junior, was out to prove that chivalry is a year-round affair.
His tools: A $5.99 haircut from Great Clips, the falsetto of a cherub, and a preprogrammed guitar-shaped beat machine called a "One-man Jam."
The temperature was 42 degrees, skies partially cloudy. Gap bags fluttered cheerfully in the breeze, and the horns of pick-up trucks lifted Slovakiato's spirits. It was a perfect night for love.
Upon ascending the fire-escape of Lawrence resident Ellie Becker's apartment, Slovakiato launched into a stirring medley of CeCe Peniston's "I like your smile," Chumbawumba's "Tubthumping," and Van Morrison's "Sweet Thing."
After only a few bars, Becker opened the window and crossed her arms in apparent agitation. Once Slovakiato sang the last
note, he exhaled passionately, and the following conversation ensued:
E: Who are you?
M: My name is Maka. I came to serenade you.
E: How did you find this apartment?
E: How did you find this apartment?
M: I followed you home from the anti-
war rally.
E: Then let me hear a protest song.
M: Those were protest songs.
E: Please! You think you're the first guy to try and win me over with some fancy plastic beat-making toy? Think again!
E: Tin-can troubador.
M: (sniff) Pyrite princess.
M: But why do we not cultivate affection between us in this time of war?
E: Hello! We're not technically at war!
M: But what about the war of looks that is now between us.
E: Wait ... are you an English major?
M: (pause) No.
E: You're lying.
M: I know. But I also work for Tongue in Beak.
E: I heard you guys practice carelessness, sloth, cannibalism, ethnocentrism and witchcraft.
M: Only Witchcraft. I have "Hocus Pocus" on VHS and DVD. I absolutely adore Bette Midler.
E: No way.
M: Sure (softly sings "From a Distance" over slow hip-hop beat. All is mellow).
E: Wow. That was something. I almost want to (hears knock from inside) ... Oh no.
It's my boyfriend. You have to leave.
M: Boyfriend? But will I ever see you again?
E: I don't know. Send smoke signals
M: What about e-mail?
E: Try carrier pigeons.
M: But ... I think I love you
E: Don't say that. Don't ever ever say that (slams window shut).
Despondently, Slovakiato climbed down the stairs and wandered off into the night. He stopped in South Park to drink malt liquor with some Insane Clown Posse fans, and then walked through the student ghetto, where high schoolers in matching leather jackets made fun of his scarf.
Intoxicated but unfazed, Slovakiato decided to try his luck at the Greek community, finally deciding on a nice-looking sorority house with green anwings just southwest of Fraser Hall. He cleared his throat and dove into the night's swan song.
"Why are there so many songs about rainbows," he crooned in a cracked voice. A light came on in the house, and soon after a round-headed gentleman in a bathrobe walked on the lawn, a volume of Zora Neale Hurston tucked under one arm.
"There, there, my son," the man said kindly to Slovakiato. "One day you'll find it, the rainbow connection. The lovers, the dreamers, and you."
Squirrel's poorly selected lines:
You know how a lot of times "no" actually means "no"?
So I shat myself,but she didn't know until the potato sack race...
Did you know that those candy machines in the ladies room are filled with paper sticks?
I'm personally not gay, but...
I was like, this video game is so much fun it's almost addictive. Wait, this isn't a video game,
Robots to replace instructors
By Lom Tehren
beak@kansan.com
Kansan satire writer
After being years behind other state universities in enrollment technology, University of Kansas officials have announced a technological breakthrough that will likely have them at the top of next year's "Most Wired" list.
A special committee unanimously approved the decision to replace the entire teaching staff with robots at a University budget meeting late Tuesday evening.
"Most universities seem to like the idea, but KU is the first one that has gone through with the transition," said Tom Brood, Robot salesperson.
The robots are manufactured by IBM using a new technology that puts the brain of an animal, such as a dog or lemur, into the mainframe of a robot.
"Each robot acts differently," said Robert Lasher, a technician at IBM. "The type of animal brain in the machine determines how it behaves. For instance, the machines with dog brains should not be let outside because they keep getting hit by cars. Whereas the machines with chimp brains just tend to throw spare parts at glass windows."
Broody said the animal brains enable them to answer questions on the spot and keep the curriculum interesting and challenging depending on the ability of the class.
"At first I thought it was a bit strange to have a robot as an athletics coach," said Tammy Surego. "It's program involved it throwing a ball, and me chasing after it, then bringing it back. Then the robot would chuckle and repeat the process until the end of the hour."
by Spencer Roberts/Kansan
A careworn copy of "The Te of Piglet," in hand, Paul Woodson discusses "The Tigger Tendency" with K9-69B, his Eastern Civilizations discussion leader. "His comment about America becoming Eyeore country was provocative, but most of his interpretations seemed programmed," said Woodson.
When asked how she enjoyed teaching at the university robot VL-YN6's response was enthusiastic but cryptic. She rocked from side to side, spitting out her answer on a sheet of receipt paper.
"Does not compute," it said. "Meow."
The robots will start teaching in the fall semester and continue teaching through forever.
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