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This page is satire. All names are made up, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Other use of real names is accidental unless otherwise noted.
Questions? comments? Contact Lucas Wetzel at 864-4810 or beak@kansan.com
TONGUEINBEAK
WWW.KANSAN.COM/SATIRE
THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN
THURSDAY, MARCH 6, 2003
I just might be that special someone SEXY
Tom Collins beak@kansan.com
not-having
sex columnist
October 15, 1989. I had just finished a killer mix tape consisting of Bobby Brown's "My Prerogative," Poison's "Every Rose Has its Thorn," NKOTB's "Hangin' Tough," and Milli Vanilli's "Blame it on the Rain," for my girlfriend Shauna. We had been through some rough times and I thought that nothing said, "I'm sorry for being so inadequate," quite like an expertly mixed and colorfully labeled hi-fi audio tape.
Unfortunately, I found out later that day that Shauna and my best friend Skylar had been engaging in sexual relations for the better part of nine months. Apparently they had been hanging out with me solely for the use of my dad's '87 Bonneville and three Paula Abdul tickets I'd scored during a Lazer-Tag tournament.
A young Thomas Collins was never the same. That night I watched "Tron," got drunk on Apple Pucker, thought about life, puked up the aforementioned Pucker, and then cried myself to sleep on what, at the time, was a very cool "HammerTime" bed set.
Awaking the next day to a hangover, I was confused and jaded about love, sex and whether or not the digitally constructed gladiator world of "Tron" would ever come to be. But one thing was certain: I would resurrect my virginity and save it for someone truly special.
13 years, 3 months later. Still a virgin. I haven't yet found that special someone, and thus I remain true to the promise I made 13 years ago. Has it been tough staying true and upholding the virtues I so long ago subscribed to? No. Actually, it's been easy ... way too easy. I haven't even been tempted once to "give it up." In fact, I've been willing to compromise myself and "give it up" for quite some time to virtually anyone willing.
Now, I haven't asked for an attractive lady, just someone with all the right parts. Or any parts. Anyone. Anything. Seriously, I bring a lot to the table, like $87, a futon in an 8 bedroom house on Ohio (within walking distance to campus) and a $25 gift certificate to Chili's (dessert, of course, will be on, and all over you).
Screw virtues. It's time for me to come clean ... in a dirty way. The only reason I'm still a virgin is because I'm unsuccessful with women, not because I'm saving anything special for that "one lucky lady." I suppose nothing's changed for me in the past 13 years. Aside from acquiring 125 lbs., Hepatitis (both A & C), and a stray dog named Hack, I'm still the same lonely Tom I was when Shauna left me. In fact, last night I bought a mini-sampler of Pucker, watched my special edition DVD of Captain Ron for the ninth time in four days and wrote six very regrettable e-mails. Such is the life of a quasi-virgin bachelor. Nonetheless, it's not really as bad as it sounds. I've got some numbers I'm going to call (2 subletters and 3 foreign language tutors), and a couple of girls in my classes dress like they want it. So I've got that goin' for me.
But really, don't have sex until you're ready and find that special someone. Or until you e-mail that special someone at beak@kansan.com to set up a time and location, or find that special someone sitting at Harbour Lights on Mass Street on virtually any afternoon wearing sweat pants and a short-sleeve Hawaiian shirt. $87. Futon. Awesome Blossom. Best deal in town, ladies.
Collins is a Buffalo, N.Y. communications majorwho has studied at the University since 1992.
Student stuck in tree
By Lom Tehren
beak@kansan.com
Kansan staff writer
A University of Kansas student was rescued yesterday from a tree where he had been stranded for three weeks following a freak sledding accident.
Ryan Clinger, Dallas sophomore, was forced to live on nuts, berries and other scavenged food for most of February.
"I thought I would be up there for the rest of my life." Clinger said.
Clinger became lodged in the tree after his sled hit a large root that propelled him hundreds of feet in the air.
The tree, not having any lower branches, left Ryan at a precarious height and in a horrible situation.
Making do with the resources he had, Clinger used icicles for water and small storages of nuts left by squirrels for food. After a week, supplies ran low, forcing Clinger to nocturnally hunt the squirrels that had previously sustained him with their winter storages.
Jack Patterson, Hoisington senior.
heard Clinger shouting and came back soon after with a ladder for Ryan to climb down the 30 feet that separated him from the ground.
In the process of living in the tree, Clinger developed a zest for peace and a guilt-driven concern for all forms of life.
"I guess he figured while he was up there he might as well make peace with them critters," said Patterson.
After descending, the two went to Yello Sub where Clinger consumed a foot-long Green Turkey in less than three minutes and notified his loved ones that he was okay.
After dining, Clinger's state from ravenous to contemplative.
"I think that I shall never see a prison as lovely as a tree," said Clinger. "The cold perfume of bark has raised the anticipation of sensational revolutions in my unsettled life. Violence has begotten peace, peace has fluttered away in agitation. A bewildered change has turned among the roots and the Prince's kiss is as far at sea as ever. But this act for me has come to an end. The world is new."
photo by Spencer Roberts/Kansan
Ryan Clinger clutches tenaciously to his perch in a tree at Campanile Park. Though Clinger has spoken little of the experience itself, he claims to have been visited by a parade of laughing kittens.
Latest version of Sims Online allows in-game characters to interact, run a business, play original The Sims
By Miles Stearns beak@kansan.com Kansan staff writer
Electronic Arts announced on its Web site yesterday several new features for the newest version of its PC game "The Sims Online."
The new features include the ability of the player-created in-game characters to buy a computer, and then use it to buy.
install, and play the original "The Sims."
"Now the characters in The Sims Online will receive a sizeable boost to their entertainment bar every time the Original Sims," said Sims creator and lead designer Will Wright
"They will also have the ability to build up money and control and advance their own characters within this new game item."
When asked whether the characters
in the game will some day be able to play "The Sims Online," Wright remarked, "You know, I can see some positive benefits of that. For example, they could chat online with another person's characters without having to use the phone item or go over to their house. Also, it could boost the character's social bar, as well."
Both Sims games are available in the Kansas and Burge Union bookstores.
BRIEFLY
Furniture 4 Sale
Joe Blow, owner of Payless Furniture Outlet, 2900 Iowa, and famous television star featured in the much-maligned local parody commercials is currently in critical condition at KU Med Center in Kansas City, Kan. Blow was flown to KUMC after sustaining injuries described as "fantastically gruesome" during the tapping of a new commercial for Payless Furniture's newest promotion "Swing-By-A-Jockstrap-Over-A-Barbed-Wire-Encircled-Pit-Full-Od-Angry-Aligators-Into-Savings."
The store will be holding a candle-light vigil Friday evening, to be followed by a full-day "Owner Evisceration Blowout." According to promotional materials, "prices will be gouged, slashed, bitten, and crunched into small pieces, then the pieces will be ground into still smaller pieces, until the earth runs red with the blood of lowered prices, from noon until 6:00 pm." — Justin Ward
Jacob Marley surprises Reggae fans
Attendees of last Thursday's Bob Marley tribute were paid a surprise visit by an oft-forgotten member of the Marley family. Jacob Marley, business partner of Ebenezer Scrooge and self-proclaimed "Rasta Head," left the spirit world for Liberty Hall after repeatedly receiving the message, "Dude, I wish Marley were here." Jacob joined DJ Lionub for "Supernatural Mystic," on which he swung his chains to the backbeat.
squirrel