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- This page is satire. All names are made up, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Other use of real names is accidental unless otherwise noted.
- Questions? comments? Contact Lucas Wetzel at 864-4810 or beak@kansan.com
TONGUEINBEAK
THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN
WWW.KANSAN.COM/SATIRE
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 27, 2003
Shasta replaces Coke in contract
Spencer Roberts/Kansan
"It hasa be Shasta" said Marie Carillo, Pratt junior as she forked over $1.25 for a two liter of Shasta orange and a can of Shasta Cola at the Hawk Shop.
Bv Smitty Flvshacker
By Simon Hyshacker
beak@kansan.com
Kansan satire writer
The University of Kansas has dropped its exclusive contract with Coca-Coca and set up a partnership with Shasta Soda. At the same time, the University announced plans to replace its current vending contract with Treat America with an exclusive deal to market all foods under the Kroger brand.
"Don't think of it a move to generic, but rather, cost effectiveness in tough economic times," Shulenburger said. He then added, "Shasta made us a deal we couldn't refuse. I mean, come on dude, their cans are only like 25 cents."
Shasta Soda, which was founded in 1889, is known for its vast array of flavorful colas such as Moon Mist and Pineapple Orange. In exchange for exclusive rights to sell its products on campus, in spring 1998, the University signed a contract with Coca-Cola for $7 million up front and $450,000 a year afterward. Shulenburger said he could not at this time go into the specifies of the new contract with Shasta and Kroger but he did mention that students would feel the added benefits soon.
"Under the new deal, every National Merit Scholar will now be eligible for semester long supply of grape soda and Kroger brand frozen hash browns," Shulenburger said.
With the new contract, all Coke products will be burned in effigy and every student would be required to sign a lifetime pledge of "snack allegiance" to Shasta and Kroger. Tongue in Beak Staff has gotten a part of that pledge which includes the following stanza:
"I pledge my snack allegiance
To Shasta Soda and Sweet Kroger
Photo illustration by Spencer Roberts/Kansan
To spite the corporate behemoths of
In a year's time, vending products will be replaced with Kroger snack foods, the majority of which will include generic circus peanuts and plain white packages labeled "Potato Chips."
The Pepsi/Coca-Cola Ogre"
"I call it affordable deliciousness," Shulenburger said. He said he hoped all students would cooperate with the cola regime change and embrace Shasta as their "cola" for life. But not all students have taken the news well.
"Coke would sponsor groups by donating money," said Kristen Dewar, Larned senior. "All Shasta does is guarantee a supply of grape soda at any event," then she added. "And what will my Ballroom Dance Club do with 10 pounds of frozen hash browns?"
Other students, such as Aaron Botan, Hays junior, welcomed the product change.
"At 25 cents a can, I'd drink grape flavored pond water.
KU to become 'Always Save' U
By Jeff Akin
beak@kansan.com
Kansan satire writer
Springtime for Always Save: This projected image displays the future look of Strong Hall. To view the photo in color, visit www.kansan.com/satire.
Yellow and black have long represented rivalry and opposition to University of Kansas students. But thanks to a corporate sponsorship with Always Save Brand Corporation, the Lawrence campus is in the midst of a Mizzoz-like facelift.
In a corporate naming-rights deal announced this week, the University (soon to be called simply "School") will receive from Always Save $20 million and use of its budgetary consultants.
"School will still supply students with the same great education at the same low, low price. It's just going to be less differentiable and more ... yellow," All-Purpose Leader of University Things (formerly known as the Chancellor) said Tuesday in a press conference from Basketball Building (historically remembered as Allen Fieldhouse).
In addition to painting and renaming all buildings on campus, the new consultants are hoping to save millions with, among other things, changes to the transportation fleet.
"The school spends millions a year on buses, planes, trucks, and golf carts. All of those things can be replaced, respectively, with reconditioned amusement park trams, dirigibles, richshaws and walking golf carts," Always Save accountant Bill Smith said before boarding the Always Save Corporate hot air balloon.
Not all on campus are as excited and optimistic, and many students have already experienced problems with the changes.
"Yesterday I walked into Building Q-14-2 (formerly Wescoe) where my Western Civ. class was supposed to be, and the FDA had already recalled it. Something about botulism. Then I couldn't find my next class because every building looks like a giant freakin' box of corn flakes," said Todd Ramsmickle, Easter Island junior.
Regardless of student reaction, the new deal is already positively affecting the bottom line.
"We're already turning the corner," said Smith. "Are we always going to save, though? No, not always. That's impossible, regardless of what our name says. Nevertheless, we will save a lot. And those savings get passed onto you the consumer ... I mean student."
Future changes will reportedly include a student uniform consisting simply of a one-size fits all yellow jump suit with either black sash or red suspenders. In addition, all students will be required to live in one of the 25 new "communes" being constructed where Memorial Stadium used to be.
With all of these alterations coming so quickly, many are concerned that the tradition and history of the University of Kansas will disappear before anyone has a chance to save it. However, Always Save assures students, employees and alumni that the changes, though profound, will not destroy the University's history or future.
"All we want to do is paint everything yellow, plaster the 'Always Save' name across campus, and create such a shocking homogeny among the students' appearance, thoughts and actions that even they don't know who or what is cool," said Always Save Leader Guy yesterday in a regrettable drunken phone interview with the Tongue in Beak. "And then, everyone will be equal and Always Save will be the choice of a new generation. You know, like Pepsi, but yellow."
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
Ebert is dead
This letter concerns J.C. Hackmuth's "review" of the film "Good Will Hunting." I was both shocked and offended to see this review in the University paper. It also gave me the hiccups. The article contained many inaccuracies and stupid opinions that I feel hurt the paper's credibility.
For example, the line "ummmm..." implies a discomfort about your sexuality that I feel is inappropriate in a university setting. Also, your review stated that the film received a restricted rating for "bad words and people fighting on the playground." Preposterous! If you'd bothered to consult the Motion Picture Association Ratings Web site, you would have seen the film is rated R for adult situations including/but not limited to complicated math. If you can't take the time to write an unbiased review, maybe you aren't funny to begin with. And what's with that stupid hat in the photo? It looks like somebody's dog ate it. Please consider these things.
Gerald Eastwood, Lawrence resident
squirrel