15
This page is satire. All names are made up, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Other use of real names is accidental unless otherwise noted.
Questions? comments? Contact Lucas Wetzel at 864-4810 or beak@kansan.com
TONGUEINBEAK
WWW.KANSAN.COM/SATIRE
THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 20, 2003
Sign hunters strike campus
A mortally wounded sign dangles in the breeze. This sign, which was likely felled by a crossbow bolt, is part of a group of endangered signs. "This should never have happened," said a tearful Jason Hadion, Wichita senior.
At the moment of the kill, the sign hunter's blade shines in the moonlight. "We'd rather hunt buffalo, but they're so hard to find," said Hadion. "Besides, animals have the ability to move."
Every full moon in February, a brutal band of brigands embark on a mission to hunt street signs. This year was no exception.
"Sign hunters think they're all that and a bag of chips," said KU security officer Jon Wilkerson. "But they aren't even all that. They're not even a bag of chips."
concept by Steven Bartkoski, photos by Spencer Roberts
squirrel
Lawrence resident jealous of other man's Taco Bell order
COMMENTARY
Toby Smith beak@kansan.com
I don't know what I was thinking. At one time I was confident in my order, but no more. You sir, you've shaken my fundamental understanding of what a Taco Bell order could be to the core. A #8-that really flew in under the radar. Unassuming, perhaps, but packing a powerful punch when one really ponders—not one but two delicious, fulfilling gorditas, and a taco for textural balance. None of that grade-F generic Taco Bell horse-slop "meat" for you, either—a palate as clearly refined as yours demands nothing but the finest chicken or steak.
Asking for steak in your taco too? In a word, inspired. The next level, though, the move that spoke softly to my soul the
heart-rending words "your order can't compare," was when you put the Monterrey Chicken Quesadilla on top of your combo. Magnificent. Sure, I'd seen the ads, but to have the temerity to go right ahead and order one-you are cut from a finer cloth, sir. Ever forging onward with your order, tradition be damned--it's that pioneer spirit that won us the war and makes you the best Taco-Bell-orderer I've ever known!
But your coup de gras was without question the delectable cinnamon twists. All mortals, myself most of all, have not the capacity to remember those wonderful little bits of fried sugar. WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME, CINNAMON TWISTS!?!?! For it is with the cinnamon twists that your meal finds its balance. I don't even know what to do with these stupid nachos.
You, sir, have taken this drudgery and made it art, and you are to be commended. Your Taco Bell order represents all that is right with humanity, and it has the power to lift the spirit of our broken community, and indeed this troubled nation.
Damn, I wish I had gotten that.
Man jealous of other man's Taco Bell order in the abstract
Now that I've recovered from my initial impressions, I can see clearly the subtle mastery of your order, clever sir. It's not so much what you have ordered, it's how you have ordered. Your order echoes, thus, in my mind: 'Number Eight, Steak, Steak on the Taco, with a Dr. Pepper.' It's practically epic verse, with bold dactyls galloping forth from your drink selection. Bravo, sir. Your Taco Bell order, in 11 words, reassembles the language that Joyce took apart. Your order's material transcendence is further emphasized by the anaphora with "Steak." I am so stunned by your order that I cannot be stopped from using the passive voice. I am humbled by comparison, great craftsmans. I stagnate. I die. My nachos tasteth foul.
'Good Will Hunting' great for college crowd
REVIEW
J.C. Hackmuth beak@kansan.com
My Freshman year I saw a film at Nunemaker Hall that changed my life forever. Now, as a writer/reviewer for Tongue-in-Beak, I would like to tell all of you about this wonderful film.
As you may have guessed from the title, this film is called "Good Will Hunting." It is about how the smartest kid at a prestigious technical school isn't a student, he's the kid who cleans the floors! Not only is this an amazing premise for any film, but it is also especially relevant to us students here at the University of Kansas.
For example, some of the scenes take place near Harvard. My Sociology professor once called KU "Harvard on the Kaw," which always made me feel like I was going to Harvard, only it was on the Kaw. And as a student at Harvard on the Kaw, I was able to pick up some of the fun
In fact, this film's dialogue is so pervasive and the characters so compelling that I have found other means of incorporating it into my own life. Like when I am enjoying a pitcher at Brothers before the big game, my friends crowd around and eyeball my ticket just waiting for the magic words," I've got to see about a girl," which I inevitably say ever time. Even if there are no girls in the bar. I also set my math assignments on fire, shout "You're suspect!" at potential employers, and drive to California for no apparent reason. None of this ever does me any good, but hey, Boston wasn't built in a day.
facts in the film. Like that part, when Robin Williams mentions "Chomsky," I heard that name on the radio once. And when he talks about a painter who cuts his ear off, it's Van Gogh! I learned that in Art History.
Another thing I like about Robin Williams is the way he calls Good Will "Chief." Now I say that to all of my friends in class. For example, when my friend Zack borrowed five dollars from me, I said, "You have to pay me back, got that Chief?" Chief has replaced "Old Sport" as the nicknamof the 90s.
I did have a couple of bones to pick with this movie, though. Like all that "baseball glove" stuff. With a movie about such smart people, why do they put that
GOOD WILL HUNTING...Ain there? I mean, who wrote that part,
George Carlin? And it also makes me
mad how Professor Lembeau doesn't
even say hello to his assistant, he just asks
him to get coffee. What, is he invisible?
Starring: Good Will, Robin Williams, Good Will's friends, a girl
Rated R for some bad words and people getting beat up on the playground
What I really like about this movie is how it conveys real emotion through innovative film techniques. For example, when there is that really emotional fight, scene between Will and Skylar (who looks pretty old for a college student, by the way) there is a poster of a skeleton on the wall. And when Will and Robin Williams have their breakthrough, the actors are really crying. When I saw Will crying like that, it made me want to hold him, too. I mean, give him a high-five. Ummm...
Now on video
Recently, Siskel and Ebert gave this movie "two thumbs up." I also give it two thumbs up, but if I had seven thumbs, I would only give it five thumbs up.
V