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- This page is satire. All names are made up, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Other use of real names is accidental unless otherwise noted.
- Questions? comments? Contact Lucas Wetzel at 864-4810 or beak@kansan.com
TONGUEINBEAK
WWW.KANSAN.COM/SATIRE
THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN
THURSDAY,FEBRUARY 13,2003
Snakehead makes splash at University
Editor's Note: Last summer the Northern Snakehead fish was mistakenly released into a pond outside Baltimore, Md. Within three weeks, the fish had walked (that's right, walked) to another pond. And then to a river. And then to a lake. It had mated. Lil' Snakehead guppies were bouncing around local playgrounds, and the Snakehead had integrated itself into American society faster than any group of immigrant marine life in history.
Now, less than a year later, one of the first American Snakeheads is attending her second semester at the University of Kansas. A freshman in environmental studies, Sally is not the average student. In fact, she's a fish. A walking fish. Nonetheless, with a little grit and determination, Sally is confident that she can make a splash in academia.
By Jeff Akin and Lucas Wetzel
beak@kansan.com
Kansan satire writers
She started out as a delicacy and ended up a freshman in environmental studies.
Before she ever saw the inside of a classroom, Sally, Little Patuxent River, Maryland freshman and Northern Snakehead fish, was Tuesday's special at Jade Garden.
"I pleaded with the man to let me go," Sally said. "I walked right over to him and begged him to set me free. That kind of freaked him out, the walking and the talking. He passed out and I walked out the back door."
The laborious and dangerous two-mile walk to Strong Hall was accomplished in just under two days. After applying for and receiving both financial aid and a minority scholarship, Sally enrolled in 18 hours. When summer ended and campus once again teemed with life, Sally found herself in a role she
photo by Spencer Roberts/Kansan
After a long day on campus, Sally exchanges idle bartter with roommate Krista Jacobsen. "Sally's a great roommate, but she spends a lot of time in the shower," Jacobsen said.
could only dream of in her days walking from pond to pond: a student at the University of Kansas.
'A Walking Miracle'
Today, Sally is a member of the Mount Oread scholars program and a resident of Lewis Hall. With her 2.1 GPA, Sally is far from the head of the class, let alone food chain. Nonetheless, decent attendance and occasional sparks of motivation have earned Sally praise from her instructors.
"She's not that smart, and she's not a very fast walker, but her accomplishments have surpassed scientific explanation," Evolution Instructor Chuck Wardin said. "She learned to speak both English and Chinese before her first month birthday. She can walk, read and ride a bike. She's a walking miracle."
Sally remains humble about her accomplishments.
"My environmental studies textbook says that Snakeheads have the ability to dramatically alter almost any ecosystem." Sally said, "I'm trying to alter it for the better."
An Upstream Battle
So why did Sally the Snake head choose to become a Jay hawk?
"Simple," Sally says. "Great people. KU might not be a top 20 University, but we have a good basketball team, and people here have a great attitude. When I walk down Jayhawk Boulevard, people always shout, 'Rock chalk, fish!' I love that."
Unfortunately, Sally's reception at KU has not always been so warm. In her first week of class, Sally said someone slipped a sheet of Long John Silver's coupons into her backpack.
"That was cold-blooded." Sally said of the incident.
More disheartening,however.
"When I walk down Jayhawk Boulevard, people always shout 'Rock chalk fish!' I love that."
Sally Snakehead fish
was her parting from the swim team. Despite shattering virtually every record in the first meet, Sally walked into practice one morning to find her teammates glaring at her from over a New England science journal.
"They just handed it to me and said, 'explain this,'" Sally said. "It was all about the snakehead fish. How we eat our young. How we are voracious eating machines that can devour anything in their path. I tried to explain to them that there are 33 different kinds of snakehead, but they said they weren't comfortable around me anymore."
Though her departure from the swim team was disheartening, Sally remained thick-scaled. With a bit of what she calls the "comeback sauce," Sally got involved in a variety of campus activities. This semester she is serving as a replacement senator and works security at the Kansas Union Bookstore.
Sally spends much of her free time with her boyfriend Allen David Nashville, freshman, who she met early in the year at a fire safety seminar in Lewis.
"Sally has a great heart and a truly beautiful personality," David said. "She's quite a catch."
Social Animal
Sally said that she learned a lot about humans from David, even though things could be better.
"Biologically, we're not that compatible, so physically things are a bit lacking," said Sally. "Emotionally, he's kind of shallow, but hey, who am I to talk, I can walk on land."
In addition to maintaining a relationship, Sally is an avid partier. Sally attends Friday hip-hop concerts at the Pool Room, 925 Iowa, and also enjoys hanging out in the hall.
"She drinks like...well...like a fish," said roommate Krista Jadobsen. Junction City sophomore. "She got lost in a bottle
photo by Spencer Roberts/Kansan
Her nose buried in the books, Sally brushes up on Balkan folklore at Watson Library. "Like Watson, but I prefer to study at coffee shops," Sally said. "You can usually find me at Henry's. I'll be wearing a suit of scales, my face buried in a glass of water. I do need it sometimes, you know."
of Captain Morgan last week. Didn't come out for two days." Bright Future
This summer, Sally plans to visit the Yellow River in an attempt to reconnect with her ancestral roots and find the relatives she's never seen.
"I don't know what we'll talk about," said Sally. "Actually, they can't, so we probably won't. But it'll be good to see them. Plus, I've always wanted to take a walking tour of the Great Wall, of China. Well, I guess I can do that."
We would like to apologize for remarks about the Vietnamese New Year contained in last week's story, "Mrs. E.'s teams up with humane society." There's a fine line between good satire and poor taste, and we agree that we crossed that line. As always, your feedback is appreciated.
Foot-in-Beak
Lucas Wetzel, Tongue-in-Beak editor
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