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This page is satire. All names are made up, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Other use of real names is accidental unless otherwise noted.
Questions? comments? Contact Lucas Wetzel at 864-4810 or beak@kansan.com
TONGUEINBEAK
THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN
WWW.KANSAN.COM/SATIRE
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 6, 2003
BRIEFLY
God places Fred Phelps on 'no call' list
Next time Fred Phelps calls God on the gold telephone, he may be subject to a fine of up to $1,250. A new policy allows troubled deities to voluntarily place their names on a list of heavenly powers who would prefer not to receive phone calls. Hell, A Place Where Everyone Knows Your Name, and a car factory in Detroit that "builds 'em like they used to," are considering implementing a similar policy.
In a recent literal statement, God thundered, "I don't have time for certain kinds of people. I only have so much space in my PalmPilot, which already contains two million entries for 'Me, Why' and I can't get the boy to take decent messages while I'm out. Hopefully this will save me some time, because, as it stands, I haven't had a chance to rest in, like, six days." Phelps was unavailable for comment, as his secretary informed us that he was currently in "the closet of self-loathing."
Justin Ward
'Hawks still #1 in Cheerleaders' poll
The KU men's basketball team has held on to the top spot in the Cheerleaders poll for the 13,242 week in a row despite recent losses and a number 11 ranking in the Associated Press poll.
"Being number one is more fun," said cheerleader Jenny Hassler. "Besides, it's hard to hold up 11 fingers. None of us have that many fingers. We counted."
—Richard Gintowt
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Mrs. E's teams up with humane society
By Lars Fakenberg
beak@kansan.com
Kansan staff writer
A newly introduced canine cuisine has Daisy Hill residents concerned about the recent business partnership of Ekdahl Dining Commons and the Lawrence Humane Society.
The partnership, designed to reduce pet overpopulation and improve Mrs. E's quality of meat, debuted last Saturday during Mrs.E's annual "Vietnamese New Years" Feast.
Mrs. E's employee Earl LeFleur said many students considered the new meat an improvement over the old.
"I like to let them try a bite before I tell them what it is," LeFleur said. "Most of them are okay with it, but there are a few who go straight to the bathroom."
Sara Smythe, Lawrence freshman, called the meal "shocking." "Dogs are supposed to be man's best friend," she said. "You don't eat your best friend."
Sara Smythe, Lawrence freshman, called the meal "shocking."
"It's shocking, I agree," said Mrs. E. "Shockingly affordable." Mrs. E said the humane society provided an astounding variety of new dishes. "We now proudly serve poole noodles, terrier teriyaki, along with a variety of dachsund delicacies."
The new meal has rattled the spirits of dog lovers far beyond the hill. In a public statement, Snoop Dogg called the new meal plan "devastating."
"First I quit the weed, and now this," Dogg said. "Bad year for Snoop."
Snoop was joined by Pfife and Nate Dogg in protesting in front of Mrs. E's yesterday. Sean Connery also showed up, but left after learning no Scottish Terriers were being harmed.
photo by Spencer Roberts/Kansan
Tut, Lawrence pug, is lowered into a pot by a Mrs. E's chef. "Maybe if more students were allowed to have pets, this would never have happened." Tut said. "But what am I worried about? All dogs go to heaven."
Editor's note: No dogs were harmed in the making of this story.
While protests were carried out in front of the dining hall, Mrs. E sat in the kitchen wearing an embroidered fuchsia "E.Z. Ryder," apron, apparently unphased by the sounds of hisses and yelps.
"There's such a fine line between an opportunist and a visionary," said Mrs. E between licks of soft serve and drags from a Doral Light 100. "As for the charges against me, I am unconcerned."
GTAs bare more than brains in calendar
By Kendra Holiday
beak@kansan.com
Kansan staff writer
Following the popularity of the "Women of KU" calendar, another group of campus students has decided to offer its own tribute to the months of the year.
Kansan file photo
This January marked the debut of the "Graduate Students of KU" calendar, a full-sized almanac dedicated to this underappreciated-and now underclothed-group.
Skip, a graduate student from Pink, Okla., flexes his sass muscles for the "Graduate Students of KU" calendar. "He was a joy to work with until he took off his pants," photographer Billie Snood said of Skip, who preferred not to give his last name for privacy reasons.
"My friends and I noted that the University was recognizing outstanding teachers and researchers, but graduate students weren't getting the attention they deserved," said Rebecca Kuhn, graduate instructor in sociology. "We felt the time was ripe for putting the 'T and A' back in GTA."
Originally slated as a "Professors of KU" calendar, the concept was changed when faculty repeatedly sent their graduate teaching assistants to do their work.
"Two hundred assignments to grade, an exam to write, and then they wanted a fullfrontal nude shot," said Kevin Rand, graduate instructor in psychology. "I wasn't sure I was up for the task."
Rand was. So much so that he became Mr. July and August-the two longest months of the year.
Former graduate students lamented the missed opportunity.
"I spent six years at KU only being valued for my intellect, but I'm eye-candy too!" said Alan Newton, a 2001 PhD recipient. "If only a calendar like this had been around before, I sure I would have received the respect that I deserve."
Models were chosen through random sampling. Scott Eidelman, Graduate Research Assistant and principal investigator for the project, said it was important the models be as representative of the graduate student population as possible.
"We assumed most students were already familiar with standard deviations," he said. "We wanted to give them more."
Undergraduate reaction to the calendar has been a combination of surprise and dismay. Mary Gibbons, Overland Park
sophomore said, "I don't think that's what my Slavic languages TA meant by 'Pole.'
"I always wondered what my engineering GTA would look like in a bikini, surrounded by mounds of paperwork and a slide rule," said Jay Martin, Hutchinson junior. "Now I know, and he's hot."
Dave Feldman, Graduate instructor in psychology, dismissed comments that the calendar was exploitive of GTAs. "You want to talk exploitation? How about poor health benefits and increased class loads," he said. "That's exploitation."
The calendar will be available in the Kansas and Burge Union bookstores. GTAs will be available to sign copies during office hours.