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This page is satire. All names are made up, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Other use of real names is accidental unless otherwise noted.
Questions? comments? Contact Lucas Wetzel at 864-4810 or beak@kansan.com
TONGUEINBEAK
WWW.KANSAN.COM/SATIRF
THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN
THURSDAY, JANUARY 23, 2003
'Saruman' attacks campanile
A. FBI agent dressed as Gandalf attempts to sway Saruman from the paths of evil
B. Agents rile up Saruman by calling him "a sex-starved fan-boy."
C. The White Wizard is arrested all photos by Spencer Roberts/Kansan
By Lars Fakenberg
beak@kansan.com
Kansan staff writer
In what has been called a key arrest in the war on terror, federal agents apprehended a man claiming to be the Lord of Isengard Saturday at the Campanile.
The man, who told authorities his name was Saruman, held the tower hostage in what became a four-hour standoff with federal agents.
Saruman's presence was first noted around 2 p.m when carillonneur Bethany Ellison noticed a white-clad adult male gallivanting about "like he owned the place."
"He kept yelling spells at me and telling me to drop my keys, so I did it just to humor him," she said. "I thought it was kind of cute."
KU Public Safety Officers did not agree. When Lt. Schuyler Bailey arrived 20 minutes later, he found a harrowing scene. Saruman sat high in the tower amid a cloud of smoke and a pile of crushed Rheingold beer cans picking out the melody to Wilco's "War on War" on the carillon's keys.
"He offered me a hit of what he said was the finest weed in the shire, and then asked to borrow my walky-talky to get in touch with his orcs," Bailey said. "I politely reminded him that KU is a dry campus, but he just laughed and said the blood of humankind would change all that."
Puzzled by Saruman's erratic behavior and threatening words, Bailey left the Campanile
and contacted two FBI agents who were in town to help combat underage drinking. The two agents were driven from The Hawk to Campile Hill in armored vehicles after attending a half-hour of Wizard sensitivity training at the Kansas Union.
The lesson in cooperation encouraged agents to dress as Gandalf for a talk down. The attempt failed, however, when Saruman came down from the tower to vehemently tell Gandalf to get off his property.
Already on edge after an exhausting afternoon of apprehending college students, the two agents doffed the costume and drew their firearms, but the wizard still refused to turn the tower over to authorities.
With diplomatic and threatening tactics employed to no avail, the agents tried ridiculing the wizard into open confrontation, calling him
names like "Merlin," and "fan-boy." Though Saruman shook his staff in protest, it was ultimately his love of Enya that did him in.
When federal agents began making disparaging remarks about Enya, who contributed tracks for emotional scenes of the films, a furious Saruman rushed out of the campanile tower, cast aside his staff and put his dukes up—just long enough for agents to handcuff them.
Saruman was anything but graceful in his arrest, spitting out a final threat to his captors.
"Iisengard may have fallen," he said. "But the fires of Mt. Doom rise ever higher."
"Whatever, Saruman," one of the agents replied.
The wizard made no reply as he was led down the hill, but the fires of the KPL plant glowed a bit more ominous in the distance as night fell over Campanile Hill.
FROM THE EDITOR'S DESK
If you've read the Tongue-in-Beak during the last year, you may have noticed a disclaimer in the upper-left corner reading: "this page is satire."
This bothers me. It may be true, but I think it sells us short. Just like the rest of the Kansan staff, the writers for this page are doing their best to convey news to you in an accurate fashion. It's just that their imaginations get in the way.
In a sense, this section is a lot like a basket made at a correctional facility. It might be half-cracked and awkwardly thrown together, but in the end you know a lot of love went into making it.
Like Mr. Henry once told Future Man "The world needs dreamers." So does the Kansan. Rather than throw them out in the street, Tongue-in-Beak seeks to bring imaginative journalists into the fold, giving dreamers their very own playground.
We live in dark times. Difficult times. The nation hovers on the brink of an arguably avoidable war. Cold season is at its peak. Classes are in session.
Consequently, we plan to keep printing the truth as best as we understand it. Our only disclaimer is this: nonsense-may come into play. Silliness will run rampant through these pages. And you can help.
So far, our staff consists of students living in the Greek system, Scholarship and Residence Halls, and off-campus. We have writers from two different genders. But we can do better. If you'd like to contribute, or feel your viewpoint isn't being properly made fun of, just let us know. Thanks for reading.
-Lucas Wetzel, editor-at-large
How different are the two towers?
Orthanc
The Campanile
In the groundbreaking 1979 essay Lightning Rods of the Gods: The KU Campanile and other masterworks of the über-phallic style, KU professor of architecture Babar Otis compares the structures:
"The Campanile represents a theoretical disjunction with the neo- Sumerian typology preferred by Orthanc and other Middle Earth edifices, while maintaining a certain continuity with the Tolkeinian phenomenological tradition. Note in the Campanile the inclusion of classical tripartide ordering principles in the construction of the monument that provides a paradoxically postmodern interpretation of the biotechnology-determinist beginnings." No both structures are frequent.
interpretation of the biotechno-determinist beginnings of Orthanc. Also, both structures are frequented by giant prehistoric birds."
Baby Jay teething over trust fund woes
By Emile Gorgonzola
beak@kansan.com
Kansan staff writer
Julius Orenthal "Baby Jay" Hawk, beloved for over a decade and a half as KU's "kids-oriented" mascot, has stepped forward to defend charges he apparently made in a San Jose Mercury News sports feature last Tuesday. Charges—ranging from financial mismanagement to coverups and blackmail—have been vehemently denied by the athletics corporation.
This denial confronts claims of account tampering that Baby Jay stated were "well-documented" when questioned at an Ekdahl Dining Commons Martin Luther King Day event Monday.
"They flagrantly skimmed interest off my trust fund for years, funneling it to blue chip prospects; keeping me silent via intimidation and the constant threat to cut me off," said Baby Jay. "That worked when I was a minor, but since I came of age last month I got a right to what was. and is. mine."
Athletics corporation officials are reeling this week after previously anonymous accusations of financial misdeeds were sourced to within their own nest.
"You must understand," countered Ira Fleischmann, KUACs public relations director. "Julius is a very sick bird—with a history of deceit, manipulation, and substance abuse."
photo by Brandon Baker/Kansan
Unflappable in public, Baby Jay enjoys the solidarity of fans at a recent home game. "My beef with Big Jay in no way affects our relationship on the floor," he said. "Come game-time, we are 100% enthusiasm."
Jay also claimed he had footage of a hotel incident at the 1991 Final Four involving the Big Jayhawk, Duke's Blue Devil, and UNLV's Runnin' Rebel "hot-tubbing" with "junior" mascots from several high-profile NCAA schools.
Yesterday afternoon Baby Jay sat on Wescoe Beach with a guitar singing Bob Dylan's "Only A Pawn In Their Game" to inform students of his plight.
Meanwhile, Big Jayhawk, lecturing at a West Virginia mascot retreat, said only "Julius is gonna learn why they gave me these (expletive) shoes."