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- This page is satire. All names are made up, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Other use of real names is accidental unless otherwise noted.
- Questions or comments? Interested in writing? Contact Lucas Wetzel at 864-4810 or beak@kansan.com
TONGUEINBEAK
WWW.KANSAN.COM/SATIRE
THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN
THURSDAY, JANUARY 16, 2003
Exchange Server exposed as 'a real lush'
By Justin Ward
beak@kansan.com
Kansan satire writer
Bv Justin Ward
The Microsoft Exchange Server, which handles faculty and student e-mail accounts, has been implicated in a complex embezzlement plot.
When the Server's frequent unavailability led systems administrators to look into its case, they found a disturbing sleu of broken promises, mysterious cocktail receipts and a wanton disregard for University of Kansas funds.
"It seems that our e-mail services have been down more often than not, so we decided to screen all of our servers for illegal drug use," said systems administrator Gerald Williams. "The results showed that over the course of the last year the Exchange Server has been routinely abusing illegal substances, often on the job."
photo illustration by Dan Nelson/Kansan After 17 hours and 3,064 failed attempts using the Exchange Server, Lawrence graduate student Michael Maloni resorts to WebMail to check his e-mail. The Exchange Server was unavailable, most likely because it was passed out under a palm tree somewhere in the tropics.
Administrators scheduled an intervention during winter break, but the Server was unavailable for access.
After the failed intervention, systems administrators suspected a link between the Server's frequent unavailability and strange expenditures related to the Exchange project. The most notable of these was a bar tab consisting of 352 mai tais purchased in Maui on Boxing Day. The bill, totaling $1,205, was charged to a University Visa account under the name "Server McDrunky." Investigators discovered an electronic paper trail revealing more than $175,000
in such charges, most of which were made while the server was down for "scheduled maintenance."
"I just didn't know what to do," said Williams. "I mean, it's a good server, it really is. It's just a little mixed-up right now."
Sally Smythe, Oskaloosa junior, said the Exchange Server's sloth-like performance gave her more time for her morning routine.
"Before, I had to check and read my e-mail before I made coffee," she said. "There just wasn't time. Now I can make a pot of coffee, shower, brush my teeth, and do my Western Civ reading, all while I wait for my e-mail to come in. It's great!"
Jack Ketch, Austin, Texas sophomore, was less open to the project.
"Have you ever noticed how rude the exchange servers are?" said Ketch. "They come over here like it's their own country. I swear there's like six to a room over in McCollum."
Faculty members are similarly divided between the advanced services the Exchange project promises and its questionable performance.
"A lot of people don't realize that the Exchange project does scheduling, too," said Ed Kaufman, Professor of Computer Science. "I think that's Exchange, isn't it? Or is that just Outlook? Oh well, I never use it anyway. It's just too slow."
Marilu Goodyear, Vice Chancellor for Information Services, said the packaging for the Exchange server had been misleading.
"It didn't say anything about mai tais on the box," she said. "The box said 'Enterprise Class Solution,' in this classy, black font. I mean, the Enterprise was a spaceship, right? That's hightech. Solutions are good as well. But the Server we got stuck with is a real lush."
The Exchange Server's preliminary hearing is set for Saturday, Jan. 25, during which all student and faculty e-mail services will be temporarily unavailable.
Math student downs 44oz of flavor additive
In a rare non-fiction interview, Tongue-in-beak editor Lucas Wetzel sat down last Friday with Ryan Kinser, Oklahoma City senior, to candidly discuss his unlikely and partially accidental feat of drinking an entire 44oz of Shasta Vanilla Flavor Shot.
So tell me, what happened?
Well, the way I remember it, I was at the Kwik Shop on Ninth and Mississippi with a couple of friends.
photo by Courtney Kuhlen/Kansan
Were you intoxicated?
Ryan Kinser, who has returned to drinking regular sodas, hopes his vanilla shot experience will lead to bigger and better things." "I'd be glad to work on a screenplay, or maybe a musical," he said.
No, I wasn't intoxicated. This was the middle of the day, I believe. I was looking through their large soda selection, and I saw they had something I'd never heard of: Shasta Vanilla Flavor Shot. And I thought that there were such things as cream soda, and root beer, and you know, Cherry Cokes and everything, so I thought that vanilla flavor shot was a type of soda. A type of Shasta soda. And so I proceeded to get 44oz of it.
Did your friends know what happened?
They kind of laughed at me, but they didn't explain to me that it was an additive.
I probably had two or three sips before I realized that it was an additive. Then I explained to them that I wasn't being facetious, that I really didn't understand. Then they thought it was really funny. But then I'd already filled the thing up, and I really do like vanilla.
How much did you drink before you realized?
How did it taste?
It was strange, because it was like there was no taste, but there was an aftertaste. Initially it just tasted like soda water going up, and then when you swallow there's a strong taste of vanilla. It's just like when you drink Vanilla Coke, when you're first drinking it it just tastes like Coke, and then when you swallow it tastes like vanilla. It was just like water, and then when you swallow it's vanilla. That's what was so strange.
I felt fine. Actually, I think after I got about hafalway to two-thirds of the way through I thought, this is really disgusting. But once I get things, I really like to finish them. Just in principle, I don't like to waste things.
How would you describe yourself?
Did you feel all right afterwards?
An aspiring mathematician/gardener.
In what ways has this changed your life?
This thing has expanded my perception of
vanilla. Before, I always looked at vanilla as a sidekick to traditional
tastes, but now I understand vanilla as its own entity. Vanilla really is deserving of equal status to Coke.
I think that's a good way to put it.
So you effectively liberated vanilla?
Are you single, Mr. Kinser?
I have a significant other.
Was your significant other impressed?
(pause) It gave me some...special powers.
Is it hard to go back to drinking regular sodas?
The experience itself was worth it. But I think it's not for me. The life of a vanilla shot, everyday, day in, day out...
God knows what would happen.
It's kind of like those businessmen who go to Thailand to get the 14-year-old hookers. They don't want to do it every day. But every three years you're over in Thailand. What the hey?
COMMENTARY
This is the semester where I turn it all around. The semester I look back on in forty years and say, "Holy Crap, that's when everything fell together. Whoopidy freakin' doo!" I am going to make a concerted, calculated and genuine effort to realize my potential and forge a meaningful existence. Starting right...now. No, right...now. Alright, I'll start tomorrow. I'm tired. Man, I got blasted again last night. I don't know what it is about my life that makes me drink, but it sure is excessive. My liver hates me almost as much as I do.
No, but really. I'm going to class every day this semester. I'm going to take notes. I'm going to start working out. I'm going to stop drinking...so much. I'm only going to smoke on weekends and when writing papers...and when I'm high or drunk. Yep, a new and improved me.
Screw it. Who am I kidding? I might as well sign my name on the dotted line, pick up my miserable cheating wife, two stupid kids and unemployment check. We'll go to Dairy Queen to celebrate, and I'll get that college degree about the same time my idiot son's dropping out of community college to professionally sell pot outside middle schools. After all, this semester's going to be like every other one. I'll skip the first week to get loaded and then I'll e-mail all of my teachers and tell them how I broke my ankle in a car accident on the way to my grandmothers funeral in Japan during a snowstorm that knocked out power so that I couldn't reach a phone or computer. They'll let me stay in the class and I'll get a couple of C's and a couple of D's. To keep my glistening 2.0 alive, I'll enlist the services of Pintar, my computer-savvy drug dealer. Fifty dollars later I've got an A and Pintar has a down payment on that '86 Pontiac Fiero he's been jonesin after.
But a very small part of me thinks that maybe this actually will be the first semester of the rest of my life. Something feels different at this very moment. I feel alive for the first time in a long time. And I've only had four drinks this morning. I feel great, poised to take on the world. Wait...Crap, I'm drunk again. There is such a fine line between drink 3 and drink 10. Such a fine line between boundless hope and hopeless resignation. It's my birthday. Happy Birthday me. 27 years young I like to say. Each year a little hazerier than the last. Well, who wants to hear an old coot like me ramble on? What I really intended on saying before I got dizzy in another shame spiral was: Welcome back ii'l Jayhawks! May the new semester fill you with knowledge, memories and the delusion that your dreams are within reach, even though they aren't