contact
M
with Carly Halvorson and Elliot Kort
I thought that guys didn't like easy girls, so I waited to have sex with this one guy. After going out a few times, we did it and I got dumped soon after for what seems like no reason. Then I went ahead and had sex with this guy I really liked after the first date and we had flirted for a long time, and got dumped again. What do guys want? I just don't understand.
Kara, senior
Carly: I'm at a disadvantage in answering your question for one obvious reason—I'm not a guy. But I'll take a stab at this anyway. Maybe the issue wasn't when he had sex with you, but just the fact that he had sex with you at all. It may sound cynical, but I going to say this anyway. You probably just found a couple of guys who wanted only sex. Don't stress out about it too much—the are a lot of them out there. Your alternative is to wonder what other possible reason they had for breaking up with you. I don't recommend going down this road. It's all based on speculation and "what if" questions. You'll drive yourself crazy, and it's a waste of time. Instead, just resign yourself to the idea that these guys wanted only to get in your pants and move on. You'll meet a guy that you connect with, and you'll feel a lot better than playing the, "What does he want? What did I do wrong?" guessing game.
Elliot: Carly's both right and wrong. The problem here is that these two guys in particular just wanted to hop into bed with you. But I think it's worth noting that you're presuming each and every guy wants the same thing. Every person is different, no matter how much you think it's a cliché. Though these two gents had only eyes for sex, I wouldn't go so far as to cast a colossal stone at the entire male gender. On the other side of her argument, though, I have to assert that Carly could be mistaken. Now it's true that these guys could've just followed the same pattern: meet, woo, bed, dump. But for you to say that they dumped you for "what seems like no reason" intrigues me. I'm not telling you to pore over every encounter and analyze everything you said to determine if it's possible you went wrong somewhere. But people have reasons for what they do. And though it's likely these guys are acting out of similar interests, I'm hesitant to paint any number of people with the same broad-sweeping brushstroke.
My girlfriend's absolutely crazy about this certain author. She's been trying to get me to read her books for months. Finally, I sat down and plowed through what's supposed to be her best novel. I hated it, but don't know what to do or say to my girl.Suggestions?
Stephen, sophomore
Carly: It's just a book. What's the big deal? Do you expect your girlfriend to love everything you love? Of course you don't. Just because you're in a relationship with someone doesn't mean you have to like all of the same books, bands and food. It is good to have different tastes. I'd be worried if you liked all the same things. That's a little creepy. That being said, the situation is pretty minor. Just say to your girlfriend, "You know, Twilight (or whatever mass-produced fad book your significant wants you to read) really isn't my thing. I like mystery novels (or whatever you really do like) instead." Don't make fun of the book or the author; it's not a bad book—you just didn't like it. You should respect the fact that she does and let her do her own thing. Now that you've read it, you're safe from having to read it again.
**Elliot:** OK, my gut reaction is the same as Carly's: you hate it, so what? Your girlfriend should understand that just because you disagree with her taste doesn't mean you are outright insulting her. I don't think your girlfriend would have a leg to stand on if she claimed that your lack of similar taste is an affront. However, there's something to be said for taking an active interest in what your significant other is interested in. Does that mean you go out and buy every Danielle Steele book and build a mini library? No. Does that mean you need to memorize every U2 lyric? No. But could you check the mystery section every now and then to see if she has a new book out? Absolutely. Could you look up the concert listings and let your gal know when a particular band is in town? Without a doubt. Gestures like that show not only that you care enough to listen to her but also that you went out of your way to take interest in what she has to say and likes. She'll be floored.
4
April 16,2009
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