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with Carly Halvorson and Elliot Kort
So, my girlfriend's a coffee addict. She drinks the stuff constantly. That's not what bothers me. What bugs me is that when she's not on campus, she goes solely to a coffee house where (wait for it) her ex is a barista. He's there all the time. How should I feel about this?
Tim, senior
contact
Carly: I can't tell you how you should feel, but I can already tell how you really do feel—you're bothered by it. That's understandable. Before you get too upset and say something to her about it, take some things into consideration. For example: Who initiated the breakup, and on what terms? I think it's possible for exes to be friends—or at least on friendly terms. I know very little about coffee, but all of my friends who claim to be coffee addicts have their preferred coffee shop. Give your girlfriend the benefit of the doubt; maybe she visits that particular coffee shop because of the coffee and not the ex. If it really bothers you, ask to go with her sometime and gauge her reaction. I'd be suspicious if she says no, but don't worry about it if she has no problem with you coming along.
**Elliot:** Tim, I hear you. I feel your pain. People can have paranoia concerning their significant other's exes. We wonder how we measure up. We worry that said ex has an agenda. And because we worry about all of these things, we end up sabotaging ourselves. So, like Carly said, I can't tell you how to feel about it. However, I can remind you that many logical people have been rendered utterly illogical by letting their hearts' do most of the "thinking." So here's what you do: go with your gal to her favorite spot. Right when a lump of suspicion begins to rise in your throat, remind yourself that she's
there ... in his place of business ... with you. You have nothing to worry about. Just try to keep yourself from over thinking. It'll save you a lot of heartache and worry. Plus, you could get a genuinely tasty beverage out of the deal.
I went on a date with someone I met out at a bar, and I had a great time. My problem is that he's older considerably older. I'm 21, and he's 34. Should I just quit now?
Elizabeth, junior
Carly: My first reaction when I read that was, "Oh damn." To be totally honest, I would stop seeing him as soon as possible. You haven't even finished college yet, and he's at the age where he's probably looking to settle down and create a stable life. My mom is a big advocate of not tying yourself down when you're young. If I came to her with this problem, she'd tell me to stop dating him and go have some fun with some people closer to my age. Well, first she would ask what the hell I was thinking, and then she'd tell me that. But I digress. My point is that you need to be with people who are going through the same experiences that you are—at the same time. Do you really want to hear, "When I was your age ... " from your boyfriend? That's the kind of thing your parents and older relatives say.
**Elliot:** What I'm about to say will seem very at odds with my position as an advice columnist. You've been warned. Here goes nothing: Why do you care what I have to say? Why do you care what anyone else has to say? You had a great time with this guy. That's the important thing. If he makes you happy, the unconventional nature of your relationship becomes an inconsequential point. Certainly, from your letter, it seems as though you're skeptical. Sure, it might take some getting used to. But at this point, you're an adult. You get to act like one and choose how to live your own life.
Have relationship questions or need some advice? E-mail bitchandmoan@kansan.com. *Bitch and Moan is not to be considered as a substitute for professional help.
After accompanying one another on countless all-night homework sessions, the two began to develop a mutual crush. But both were discouraged after series of missed signals and dropped cues. Finally, in Spring 2007, Elon decided to make his move. With the prospect of leaving Lawrence permanently and going to the Chicago Institute of Art, he considered his options.
For some, romance is quick, and ascends in a rush. For others, it makes sense to take more time. For Mary Ralstin, Shawnee alumna, and Elon Sharton-Bierig, Deerfield, Illinois, senior, the process of arriving at courtship took years.
The two were introduced in Fall 2004, during Elon's freshman and Mary's sophomore year. After that, they fell off of each other's radar until she returned from studying abroad the following year. As they both spent a lot of time hanging out in Hashinger Hall, the two found themselves in mutual company often, though their chemistry did not immediately click.
"We had a ton of mutual friends from Hash," Mary says. "So it wasn't just the two of us alone."
Contributed photo
Contributed photo
Tick tock: Mary Ralstin and Elon Sharton-Bierig didn't exactly rush into each other's arms when they first met, but after three years, they fell for each other.
"I'd really lost hope at one point," he says. But even in the face of this challenge, he asked her out anyway.
"I was like,'OK ... if you come back," Mary says.
Elon spent the next frzenied summer putting together a portfolio but forgetting to obtain all the required letters of recommendation. In retrospect, he thinks he subconsciously sabotaged himself so that he could return to Lawrence and give the delayed romance a shot. Their first date was in Fall 2007 and the two are planning to move in together next fall. For them, it was just a matter of time.
Elliot Kort
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April 9,2009
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