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with Carly Halvorson and Elliot Kort
My roommate left our apartment before I did for spring break and it was a complete wreck. I know I'm responsible for my stuff and my messes. But how am I supposed to deal with her stuff and not encourage her? I mean ... was I supposed to leave her dishes untouched for a week straight?
Sandra, junior
Carly: This is a really uncomfortable situation to be in. On one hand, you want to live in a clean apartment and not have to see a pile of dirty, gross dishes just sitting there. On the other hand, you don't want to clean up after someone who's in college and should know that she needs to take care of her own mess. I know you don't want to create any conflict between you and your roommate because you live together and that would make your situation awkward.
However, you're going to have to say something. Be direct. People don't pick up on hints. You need to tell your roommate, flat out, "I don't expect you to clean up after me. Please don't leave a mess like that again." Sure, she may get mad, but that will blow over. It's better to get it out in the open now instead of letting your resentment stew inside you as you count the days until your lease is over.
Elliot: Sandra. I think your question comes down to a much simpler one: How much are you willing to put up with? You were in an especially tight spot considering the fact that you had to deal with it every day of your break. If it were me, I would've cleaned it up and yelled at your roomie when she returned.
The reason? If you leave them there on principle, you're punishing yourself by forcing yourself to deal with them every day. Your roomie gets no consequence either way. So talk to her about it when she gets back and point out that you're not going to put up with it anymore. In all likelihood, she'll apologize. If she doesn't, maybe her dirty dishes should end up in front of her door next time.
I was supposed to go play soccer with a girl yesterday. She ditched me and didn't call to hang out. Later on that night, I go to the bar and see her making out with another dude. What should I do?
Adam, sophomore
Carly: You should take it as a sign that you don't need to be making plans with this girl anytime in the future. She seems flaky, inconsiderate and rude. Would you really want to hang out with her again? Obviously this girl has some sort of hold on you. Otherwise, you would know what to do without even giving it a second thought. If she does regain some sense of manners and apologizes for what she did, accept her apology—but then move on.
Apparently, it was very easy for her to ditch you. She showed no remorse (or class) by making out with another guy at the bar This seems like a clear indicator that she will probably do it again. If you hang out with her then you're just showing her that it's okay for her to treat you like a chump or some sort of backup plan in case nothing else comes along Don't do that to yourself. Move along.
**Elliot:** Carly couldn't be more right here. You need to expel this girl from your mind and keep it that way. I don't know who this girl thinks she is, but she's not worthy of the effort you've already gone through. But ... as much as I'm sure you'll agree with us now, things might feel different in a couple of weeks if she apologizes to you and asks for a second chance. But remember this: People don't change if the status quo works for them.
So, unless she's discovered the pool of eligible males at Lawrence's bars has dried up, I wouldn't give her a second chance. She's playing you. So don't give in. Stand strong. You're a self-respecting person who deserves exactly that: respect.
Have relationship questions or need some advice? E-mail bitchandmoan@kansan.com.
*Bitch and Moan is not to be considered as a substitute for professional help.
785. 856.5667
March 26, 2009
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