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No more guessing
How to read body language and an overview of non-verbals that signal attraction
By Stephanie Schneider sschneider@kansan.com
A guy and a girl eye each other at a bar. He's with a group of his guy friends, but ventures away. He walks up to her, asks her name, touches her back, and starts a conversation. Then she does something unusual. She takes her shiny brown hair out of the elastic band and flips it from side to side. Is she interested? She is. The night is over, and he leaves her. She's left puzzled because she thought they hit it off.
How many times have you thought someone was attracted to you, but then second-guessed yourself because you didn't know if the signals were right? You questioned whether you should respond with interest. When that guy at the bar bought you a drink, or that girl at the bus stop talked to you, were they really interested, or just being friendly? Is that guy in class going to ask you out, or are you imagining he is interested?
Understanding the language of desire does not have to be complicated. You just need to know what signals to look for. This can save you the aggravation and confusion that comes from misreading other people's cues.
When trying to detect whether someone is attracted to another person, Mike Anderson, host of KJKH's Kansas In Heat, a radio talk show that focuses on relationships, says men need more help than women. Men tend to perceive the slightest signal or display of interest to be cues of sexual attraction, Anderson says. Men have a tendency to overanalyze encounters with women, making the potential signals even more confusing.
Flipping your hair, making eye contact, and touching someone's arm are more than just movements—they're part of your non-verbal communication.
When it comes to understanding women, Tanner Tolbert, Kansas City senior, says they are hard to figure out. He says a woman's eye contact seems to signal "I'm interested." But he says he can't always tell for sure. "Girls are wack," he says.
AYale and Indiana University study indicates men are more likely than women to confuse friendly signals with sexual ones, and sexual ones with friendly ones.
In the study, 280 heterosexual men and women were asked to organize photos of women into four categories: friendly, sexually
interested, sad or rejecting.
Of the men who viewed the images of friendly women, 12 percent mistakenly labeled those images as sexually interested. Women got it wrong 8.7 percent of the time.
Here are some cues to help you decipher what somebody of the opposite sex is trying to tell you with their body language.
Non-verbals that women use
Hair flipping: This can be a big sign of interest, Anderson says, but it's important to pay attention to what signals are given beforehand, because a woman may be flipping her hair out of habit.
The foot dangle: If a woman has her legs crossed and has slipped her heal out of her shoe, letting the shoe dangle on her toes, she's interested. Anderson says.
Non-verbals that men use
Preening: Loosening a tie, collar or shirt sleeve while talking is a dead giveaway of interest, Anderson says. This signals men's effort to look their best for women they are engaging with.
The jewelry heist: If a guy asks about jewelry a woman is wearing, he's interested. "Especially if he uses the line,'I bet there is a story behind that ring/necklace/bracelet you are wearing," Anderson says.
"Someone with very strong eye contact with their eyes narrowed is showing interest," Anderson says. Holding strong eye contact for a few moments, with a smile, shows your interest, but reciprocating is important.
The eyes have it all
The eyes have a body language of their own. Rich Nicasto, author of ABC's of Effective Communication, says if you want to tell somebody you're interested, make eye contact. But it's not just eye contact that's telling—it's what people do with their eyes.
When meeting a guy, Shannon Bridger-Riley, of Lawrence, says, "He needs to be able to make eye contact, and actually interact."
Anderson references body language expert R. Don Steele, saying he believes if a woman looks down right before she looks away, she is showing interest.
"Breaking eye contact and hunching over
signals the message that you don't find the other person interesting." Nicastro says.
Eye contact, and the way you present yourself have a powerful effect. And you actually can and should learn to control your body language if you don't want to send mixed signals, Nicastro says.
Learning to use correct signals helps you accurately read other people you're interested in.
Often men and women think they are giving off one particular type of impression,but others may have a totally different interpretation of that message.
Nicastro says you do have control over your overt, explicit body language, such as sustaining eye contact, smiling and nodding your head while interacting.
To correct this, Nicastro says, "People need to rehearse to make sure their body language is congruent with the goal of their message."
He encourages people to pretend they are having a conversation in the mirror or on tape, and notice what they do with their bodies, arms and hands. JP
Photo illustrations by Jerry Wang
Making a move: More overt actions, such as a leg touch, are easy to read. A slight lean in or constant eye contact, though, can be misconstrued as romantic interest when they could actually be just habitual actions.
Body language cheat sheet
Five additional body language cues provided by Mike Anderson, host of KJHK's Kansas In Heat. a radio talk show that focuses on relationships.
1. Smiling: Very powerful for increasing attraction. A smile of interest that is a sensual one, is one in which the person's eyes are narrowed, mouth slightly open, and teeth are only partially seen.
2. Posture:The movement of the body from casual to energized and erect is a sign of interest.Also, it is a sign of interest if someone has an open body position to you with both shoulders open to you.
3. A tilted head: This means they are interested in you. In Anderson's opinion, it is one of the easiest body cues to detect, and one of the surest signs of interest.
4. Drinks: Pay attention to what they do with their drink. If someone lowers their drink, they are removing their barrier and showing interest. If a woman strokes her glass up and down, or a man runs a finger around the lip of his glass, it is a sure sign of interest.
5. Leaning: If someone leans forward either sitting or standing, it is a clear sign of interest and intrigue in that person. More often than not this interest is one of attraction; otherwise they would not want to be closer to you.
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March 26, 2009