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I hooked up with someone over the weekend who did stuff during sex that I didn't like. How are you supposed to tell someone that you don't know that well what you're comfortable with?
**Elliot:** Especially when it comes to issues of physical intimacy, dealing out criticism can get a bit dicey. I mean, really, who wants to hear they're doing anything wrong? So instead of being critical and negative about what you don't like, point out things you do enjoy and get his mind headed in a different direction.
Katie, freshman
with Carly Halvorson and Elliot Kort
However, seeing as how you mentioned that this is a random hookup, I think you're going to have to force yourself to be more direct. If you're going to be dating someone, taking more time and care to be constructively critical makes sense. But if you're going to go out and look for different guys to sleep with all the time, you've got to get your courage up to speak your mind.
Carly: In an ideal situation. I think Elliot's advice would work just fine. But this isn't an ideal situation—this is a random hookup. It's hard to stop in the heat of the moment and say, "I don't like that. I like this instead," and then proceed with your list of turn-ons. It's even more awkward to bring it up before anything even starts to happen. Instead, stick with the cliché of "actions speak louder than words." If he's doing something that you don't like, stop him and take some control of the situation.
Lucy, junior
You don't have time for a heart-to-heart.By doing this, you're still being honest and direct, but you're getting something accomplished. He'll pick up on what you like a lot faster than if you had said something to him. If he's not getting the hint, you have every right to stop. Sex is supposed to be enjoyable for both people involved.
I was hanging out with a few friends of mine (a couple) and they invited a friend of theirs over. After a while, I realized they were trying to set me up with him. But I only figured it out after I agreed to have coffee with him. I'm not interested in him at all. How do I proceed?
Elliot: Once again, honesty is the best policy here. Not clicking with someone your friends tried to set you up with isn't your fault. After all, you had no idea you were supposed to make that kind of impression in the first place. And, on top of that, your friends have no right to get huffy with you. They shouldn't have kept you in the dark. So as far as I'm concerned, you're in the clear.
Get coffee with him and let him know the deal. That way, you can point out that you like him enough to hang out, but you'll avoid the awkwardness of any further advances. And you avoid blame because you didn't put yourself (or him) in that situation. After the coffee date, I'd sit down with your other buds and point out that you don't like being matched up without your knowledge. I mean, honestly, it puts you in such a discomfited position. That's simply not fair.
Carly: I think you should put your friends in an equally uncomfortable position and have them deliver the bad news to this guy. It was their idea to set you up with him; it should be their responsibility to admit to him that their stupid plan failed. I don't think you have any obligation to this guy at all. They're the ones who gave him false hopes of being set up on a blind date.
It's extremely rude of them to assume that you would be okay with their plan without mentioning it to you beforehand. Now you feel like a bad person because you made a commitment under false pretense. Also, make sure you tell your friends to stop playing matchmaker. I get so annoyed with couples who want their friends to partner off so that they can form their little couple-groups and do ridiculous couple-stuff. They need to back off.
Marching Jayhawk band members Kyle Martin and Kristen Kelly found themselves marching to the same beat when they met in Spring 2007.
It was Kyle's freshman year and Kristen's sophomore year when their mutual friend, Tyler, had them both over for a party. They had the same group of friends, and both were in the Marching Jayhawks, but they didn't know of each other at the time. Kyle, of Fort Worth, Texas, says being in the band resulted in them spending a lot of time together."We both love music, and we both love KU," Kyle says."So it's perfect."
Kyle, a trombone player, says he's excited to
Kristen, of Estes Park, Colorado, started dating Kyle on August 23, 2007, and their first date was at their favorite restaurant, Paisanos. However, traveling with the Jayhawks around the country has allowed these two to even have dates at last year's Orange Bowl and this year's Insight Bowl. Playing at the Insight Bowl together, they both say, was the best time they have had on the Marching Jayhawks.
Contributed photos
Beat of the same drum: Kyle Martin and Kristen Kelly are both members of the Marching Jayhawks.
go with Kristen, a flute and piccolo player, to the Big 12 and NCAA tournaments because it's her first time being a traveling member of the Men's Basketball Band.
Kyle's mother marched and played piccolo at KU from 1979 to 1982, he says, so it's easy for his mother to love Kristen.
Stephanie Schneider
Many corporations discourage their employees from getting romantically involved. But for Madeline Johnson, Overland Park sophomore, and Jonathan Herrera-Thomas, Topeka sophomore, her first day on the job was the couple's first date.
Johnson had transferred from one of the Overland Park Target locations to the Lawrence location at the start of her freshman year.And the stress started from the get-go.
"They decided to schedule me the day I moved in." Madeline says.
Jonathan had already been working at the Lawrence Target, and in preparation for a massive sale, the two were paired together for a six-hour shift running the guest service desk. The two immediately clicked and started talking.
"We had all the conversations you have on the first few dates." Jonathan says.
After that, however, they hit a bit of a snag. After hitting it off, each had trouble defining exactly what they were becoming as a couple.
Contributed photo
Right on target: Madeline Johnson and Jonathan Herrera-
Thomas met while working together at Target.
"The first few dates were confusing," he says,
"because we didn't know if they were dates."
But after three evenings they didn't want to end—during which he taught her how to drive stick shift and she insisted they stop at a playground to build sandcastles—they had the talk and haven't looked back. Neither work at Target anymore, but they admit they can't help but feel a little tug at the heartstrings whenever they walk past the guest service counter.
Have relationship questions or need some advice? E-mail bitchandmoan@kansan.com. *Bitch and Moan is not to be considered as a substitute for professional help.
— Elliot Kort
March 12,2009
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