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Was Harry right?
By Elliot Kort ekort@kansan.com
Testing whether men and women can be just friends
"What I'm saying is—and this is not a come on in any way, shape, or form—is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way."
Since Billy Crystal spoke that line in When Harry Met Sally, debate has raged over that exact question: Can straight women and straight men actually be friends without any sexual tension?
From the get-go, men are wired to search for sex, says Dr. John Gray, author of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. He says men are subconsciously on the prowl, which could be the main cause for what contributes to the conflicting goals of men and women.
"If a man's not sexually involved with someone, he's on the hunt for a sexual partner," he says.
Sex serves as a stress reliever. On a purely chemical level, it's what men need.
"Testosterone is the chemical of desire." Gray says. "Men have 30 times the amount as women."
The chemical reactions going on in women's minds are totally different. Gray explains that a chemical called oxytocin is released in a woman's brain as a potential sexual partner does actions for her that build a bond of trust. It's one of the strongest causes of attraction for women.
"Women discover over time that they're in the mood to have a sexual relationship." Gray says. These chemical differences don't outlaw the possibility of friendship, but it certainly makes it more challenging.
Just because it's in chemical makeup, though, doesn't mean this trend always takes hold. For Jackie Wittlinger, Olathe senior, says she became best friends with a guy after the two went on a bad date. After realizing they
weren't attracted to one another romantically, she found the two clicked platonically. Now he fills another important role.
"It's nice to have someone of the opposite sex who can offer perspective on things with my boyfriend," she says. "Guys are just simpler."
Kathy Rose-Mockry knows a thing or two about the complex challenges facing gender relations in American society today. As the program director of the Emily Taylor Women's Resource Center, she studies messages sent out by the media concerning gender roles and expectations in society. She explains that the dominance of 1950s stereotypes, such as husbands being the breadwinners and wives being homemakers, has done a disservice to the development of gender equality.
"We still have not achieved a point where these expectations and those roles are
eradicated," Rose-Mockry says.
Also, she says, advertisements on television that depict women and men as warring parties do no favors to the possibility of friendship. However, she's quick to note, whether these scenarios depict fact depends entirely on the receptivity of the audience.
"Students have a great deal of power in changing norms by choosing to create a new norm." Rose-Mockry says.
Aside from the pressures of the outside world, it's also hard to maintain friendships with the opposite sex after getting into a relationship. Jesse Kangas, Lenexa junior, says he had difficulty keeping up with his female friends after he began dating his girlfriend. For him, it was simply a matter of shifting his priorities.After all, he notes,"Before (I met my girlfriend), the female friends I had were very attractive." JP
Just friends: It can be difficult for straight men and straight women to not cross the thin line between lovers and friends. Having a platonic friendship with the opposite sex, though, can be beneficial if you need insight into how the opposite sex generally thinks or feels.
Photo Illustration by Ryan Waggoner
For the ladies: Helping him take the hint
Some guys aren't too keen to pick up that their advances are unwanted. Here are some tips from Dr. John Gray, author of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, to help men understand.
1. Be up front: Telling a guy exactly what you expect from your relationship can help dispel his unrealistic expectations. Let him know if you're not looking to date or find anything romantic.
2. Use precise language: In casual conversation, use terminology that would suggest you feel about him something far different than a romantic context. Say he reminds you of your brother or cousin.That kind of comparison should let him know you're off limits.
3. Give him a shot: At the end of the day, it takes women a lot longer to get a sense of whether someone could be a potential mate. Give him some time. He might.
March 5, 2009
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