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Worlds. Here and now.
Together.
When two people
from different
cultures date
By Sachiko Miyakawa
smiyakawi@kansan.com
When I get a craving for some ice cream, I sometimes have Matcha powder by my side. I scoop the ice cream in a bowl and add a pinch of the powder. I slowly mix them together in the bowl.
I taste the ice cream. The aroma of green tea spreads in my mouth. It's bitter at first, but gradually becomes sweet.
"Do you want to try Matcha ice cream?" I offer my boyfriend.
"Huh? What is that?" he asks.
"It's good, just try it."
He scoops up the ice cream with a spoon. I quietly watch him finish the bite."Do you like it?"
"Yeah, it's good. I like it." He eats another bite.
I always like to see how my boyfriend, who's lived all his life in Kansas, responds to Japanese food. Soba noodles, stir-fry with sliced burdocks, seaweed salad—he's pleasantly surprised every time I introduce different foods and flavors to him.
Cross-cultural exchanges in the kitchen are just one pleasure of having a significant other who comes from another country. These relationships come with their own challenges, but many of the challenges are the same that every couple deals with—such as communication and families—but also the heightened worry for college students of what to do after graduation.
Alyssa Esperance was first attracted to her husband, Fritz-Gerald Esperance, a former KU student, "because he is from somewhere else. He is from Haiti." Growing up near the military base in Leavenworth, Alyssa, a senior, was exposed to multiple cultures at an early age, and she always wanted to move to a foreign country. Alyssa also says Fritz's outgoing and laidback personality complements her shy and fretful personality.
People are often attracted to differences
and find them refreshing,but those differences can also be the biggest problem for couples later in relationships,says Nomi Redding clinical social worker in Lawrence.
Alyssa likes Fritz' laidback personality, but she says she sometimes feels frustrated by miscommunication, which often results from what they see as their culturally different perceptions of time. Though she has a concrete sense of time, she says, he's more relaxed—"See you in 30 minutes" can mean one or two hours. "It's important to make sure that the other person is clear about what you're trying to say." Alyssa says.
Though it's important to respect each other's differences, people in a relationship should share a few core values that keep the relationship strong, says Grete Shelling, coauthor of In Love But Worlds Apart. Born in Austria, Shelling has been married to her American husband for almost 40 years. Although she usually likes to stay at home watching movies and playing the piano, her husband is more outgoing and into American sports. Shelling says their personalities and interests are often different, but going to church every Sunday brings them closer together.
Lindsey Piper, Leavenworth junior, says she tried to find more similarities than differences on her first date with Yasser Alsallom, Riyadh, Saudi Arabia, junior. They are both planning to study medicine, they both work hard for school and they are laidback, too.
Before Yasser asked Lindsey out, she didn't know much about Saudi Arabia and believed the stereotype that Saudi men were controlling. She quickly discarded her stereotype after getting to know Yasser. "He's very respectable and he's cute. I kind of wanted to see if things were going a little further and they did." says Lindsey, who has been dating him for more than a year.
Lindsey comes from a Christian family.
and Yasser grew up in a Muslim family.Their different religious backgrounds inspire them to learn about each other's religious cultures. Whenever Lindsey thinks of a question about Islam, she does research online and asks about Yasser's opinion. Lindsey says she wasn't interested in Saudi Arabia before, but now wants to visit the country after hearing Yasser talk about his home.
But not everybody accepts their relationship. "Be careful," some friends warn her when finding out she's dating a Saudi man. "I feel a little offended. I'll say,
'You know, you guys don't know him yet. You can't make these comments,' she says. "My view is accept our relationship as long as we are happy."
Lindsey says she was reluctant to tell her parents about Yasser at first, worrying her parents would judge him based on prejudices against Saudi Arabia and Islam. Her parents expressed their hesitancy when she told them aboutYasser,but taking him to her parents' house helped them to accept him and understand more about his background.
Yasser says his parents also approve of their relationship. Dating is a taboo in Saudi Arabia, he says, but his parents have a good understanding about different social norms in the United States and leave him to make his own decisions.
The gap between the
cultures does come up sometimes. Lindsey was once having a political discussion with her mother. As it got heated, Lindsey raised her voice, which surprised Yasser. 'You shouldn't talk to your mother like that,' he says he later told Lindsey. She then explained to him that she hadn't meant to be rude.
Though the couple might not find big challenges in their differences, introducing a foreign girlfriend or boyfriend to the family can be a big event, especially for international students.
Ali Iyican, Famagusta, Northern Cyprus, senior, recently introduced his American
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Alyssa Esperance, Leavenworth senior, and Fritz-Gerald Esperance, a former KU student, were attracted to and Fritz-Gerald is more outgoing.
March 5,2009