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with Carly Halvorson and Elliot Kort
I dated a girl two summers ago who now goes to school in Georgia. Recently, she came out of the blue about how much she wants me to come visit her for spring break. I'm tempted—we got along extremely well and only broke up because of the distance. She has been my 'what if' for a while. But, it's a 17-hour drive or at least a $200 flight. Is it worth it? Josh, junior
Elliot: Let's get one thing out of the way from the start. The many states separating you two will not miraculously disappear. So, even if you have an amazing time with Ms. Right, you're still going to have the substantial distance to deal with. That said ... go for it, dude! Mind you, I'm a sucker for the chivalrous and romantic gesture. I love the idea of you taking a chance and flying halfway cross the country. If you go there, meet up with your old flame, and things click ... that's great. You're off to the races.
If, however, you go there and it's not what you'd like, you'd still get to spend some quality time with a friend. Now is the time in your life when taking a trip on a whim makes the most sense. You're not tied down to anything (because of spring break) and any work you have to do you can take with you. You're probably about three semesters away from graduating. If you're going to take a crazy trip, now's the time.
Carly: What if you go there and nothing romantic happens between you and your former flame? Would you consider that a waste? You need to think about what you really want to happen before you buy a ticket or pack up your car. Sure, it's easy to say now, "Oh, I really don't care what happens, I just want to see an old friend." But I think we both know that's a load of crap. This girl is, as you put it, your "what if," and her asking you to come visit is giving you the impression that she might be having the same thoughts.
If you go up there and she just really wanted to see you as a friend, you'll leave Georgia confused and frustrated that she sent you (what you see as) mixed signals. Plus, you'll be out $200 and that just adds to the blow. If you can say with confidence that you wouldn't mind it being a completely platonic trip, then go. If there's a little bit of doubt, stay.
My boyfriend and I got in a fight the other morning. We didn't speak to each other all day.Later that night, we didn't talk about our fight and all he said was that he loved me and that's all that mattered. Is that a cop-out answer? And should I bring up the fight again even though we are both past it? Janet,junior
Elliot: Seems to me that your boyfriend left it at "I love you" because he was probably stopping himself from saying something regrettable. In that regard, I don't think it's a cop-out. We've all be in that situation where we're so pissed off about something that we're inches away from saying something incredibly hurtful. I think he was smart to step on the gas, take a deep breath, and try to focus on the most important thing. That being said, it's never a good idea to go to sleep angry, especially if you're doing so in the same bed as the person you're arguing with. Trying to clear the air (at least a little) before settling in for the night would have been a good thing to try. What do you have to gain by letting that ill will sit inside you when you're supposed to be at your most peaceful? So, in the event that he tries to respond that same way again, you should look him straight in the face and say, "And because you love me, we're going to talk this out."
Carly: There are a lot of circumstances that would affect my answer. The big thing that's missing is what the fight was about. I can understand your frustration if your boyfriend was the one that blundered and he just said that to get it over with. However, if the two of you had conflicting views and couldn't reconcile the difference of opinions, then I wouldn't consider it a cop-out. Sometimes, you just have to agree to disagree. The love is still there, and that really is what matters. Also, there is one key phrase that you used: "We are both past it." I'm assuming this means the fight is resolved and you have both moved on. So why bring it up again? There is nothing more aggravating than rehashing old fights when there is a more pressing issue at hand. It could make a small fight turn into something much bigger.
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6 February 5,2009