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contact
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with Carly Halvorson and Elliot Kort
Q: My boyfriend and I have been together for more than two years. Lately, we've grown pretty distant. I'm realizing we don't have much in common other than the TV shows we like to watch and the bed we sleep in. We're about to graduate, and I haven't told him about my plans to move to New York. What am I supposed to do? Do I break up with him? Beth, senior
Elliot: Disclaimer: I don't know you. I don't know your boyfriend. I don't know the couple that is the two of you. There could be unspecified factors that are keeping you guys together right now. It sounds to me, though, as if you're getting ready to break up with him already. Four months away from graduating and you still haven't told your guy of two years that you're moving halfway across the country? There's definitely something going on. And if I know nothing else for certain, I know this: Communication is an issue here. That's not to say that you guys would be problem-free otherwise, but you guys need to be talking. You've spent two years together. Even if you're drifting apart, you owe it to yourselves to be honest with one another. Do what you want. It's your relationship. But if you can't even bring yourself to talk to one another about the future (or present, for that matter), it doesn't seem that things are looking sunny.
Carly: Think about what's holding you back from telling him about your post-graduation plans. Do you want him there with you? It seems to me that this relationship has run its course, and it's about time to call it quits. From what I can gather, the relationship is simply dissolving and neither party is interested in salvaging it. It doesn't sound like a breakup would be too traumatic, other than adjusting to sleeping alone (which I find to be the hardest part). To his credit, it's possible that he doesn't see this pattern of your relationship as a problem. It's normal for a long-term relationship to dip into a comfort zone, and both people make a lot of assumptions about the other. His could be that if there's no fighting, there's no problem.
Rebecca,junior
Q: Why is "moving on" seemingly
so much harder for girls than it is for guys, regardless of who the instigator of the breakup? Girls seem to cling to a relationship's remnants until the very bitter end, whereas guys just seem to pick up and move along much faster.
Elliot: First of all, I have to challenge your premise. Sure, many guys don't spend ample time "moving on" from a breakup. But, at the same time, I'd argue that it's generally not entirely the norm. Guys are affected by breakups, even if societal norms dictate that we can't be phased by anything, especially (gasp) emotions. Personally, it's taken me anywhere from a few weeks to a year to pick myself up off the mat. Every relationship is different. Every recovery period will be different. Now, the only thought that I have that could explain both of our theories being true, simultaneously, is to focus on how guys deal. More often than not, if something deeply affects us, we're disinclined to put it out there for all to see. We dwell on things in the dark recesses of our minds; we let thoughts marinate. And if we do share it with someone, it's a close confidant or consigliere. So I wouldn't be so convinced that your ex got off scot-free.
Carly: Unfortunately, women are genetically wired to become more emotionally attached than men. This is why women find it more difficult to move on than men, no matter if it was a serious relationship or a one night stand. Studies show that women release more of the neurotransmitter oxytocin than men. This chemical is responsible for lactation, giving women those "motherly instincts" after delivering a child, and heightening sexual arousal in both sexes. When a woman releases oxytocin during sex, it creates a bond between her and her partner, an attachment that may not always be reciprocated. Also, women have a tendency to dwell on things longer than men. Think about it. I'm sure you've had a fight with a boyfriend where he seemed over it 30 seconds later, but you couldn't get it out of your head the next day. It's not that he's being heartless and uncaring—he was just born that way. And it's not that we're crazy and obsessive. Blame genetics.
Q: I just returned from studying abroad. A guy friend of mine (whom I'm interested in) has been e-mailing me a ton since I've been abroad. I told him when I'd be home and he promised he'd call when I arrived. But it's been a week since I got back and no call. What gives?
Jackie, senior
**Elliot:** Yup. He's being an idiot. Whether he's intentionally doing so is a whole other matter entirely. Truth be told, from your question, it's hard to tell. Part of me thinks that this guy is just absentminded. Another part of me thinks he's just stringing you along. Neither one would surprise me. If he really cared, he should have called by now. He knew your itinerary. You made your plans known to him. But the important thing to remember is that neither of these options speak highly of him. The next step is clearly your call. You can keep chasing him, or you can accept that (no matter how crazy you are about this guy) he's the kind of person who won't come through for you when you expect. So, even if you're "coo coo for Cocoa Puffs" over this dude, you must acknowledge the red flag. If he doesn't come through for you now, how likely is it that he
will in the future? Even if he calls you or in a week, or in a month, you have to ask yourself:
Do you even want to pick up?
Carly: Was there an understanding that when you got back, you two would start up some sort of romantic relationship? If that wasn't made clear, this could just be a simple lack of communication. And if he's just a friend—with no intentions of being anything more—then he probably didn't consider it too high of a priority to call and simply forgot. However, if you two decided to start dating, then maybe he's having second thoughts. It's not uncommon for people to freak out at the thought of someone leaving and then freaking out when they return, but with different results. He probably sensed he'd miss your company and interpreted that to mean there are deeper feelings. When you came back to the States, he realized that his feelings weren't romantic and now he doesn't know what to do. If you really want a clear cut answer, take some initiative and make the first contact. Guys aren't mind readers. He doesn't know you're sitting and waiting.
Have relationship questions or need some advice?
E-mail bitchandmoan@kansan.com.
*Bitch and Moan is not to be considered as a substitute for professional help.
Scoring in Miami last January was something the Jayhawks and Brandon Leddy have in common. It was New Year's Day 2008 when sleet and rain welcomed Brandon to Miami. Because hitting the beach was out of the picture, the nearby bar Casablanca made due. Crimson and blue overtook the bar, but one girl stood out above the rest.
Brandon, Wichita native and junior at the time, walked up to Jani Gisi and got her "digits," he says. It may have been lack of sleep or the noise in the bar because Jani, now a junior, put Brandon's name in her phone as "Miami."
Their first date was tailgating together the morning of the Orange Bowl. These two are true KU fans,"Miami" says.
For Brandon and Jani's one-year anniversary, watching the Insight Bowl together in Jani's hometown,Aberdeen. South Dakota, seemed quite appropriate. Wearing the same KU T-shirts they wore the day they met in Miami, Brandon and Jani cheered on another KU football victory together.
Stephanie Schneider
Contributed photos
Brandon and Jani's first date was tailgating at last year's Orange Bowl.
January 22, 2009
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