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with Carly Halvorson and Elliot Kort
Lately, I just haven't been interested in sex. I'm too tired, stressed out, insecure and worried about money. How do I get over this?
Christina, senior
**Elliot:** To start, let me state the utterly obvious: It is clear there's a lot on your mind. That being said, you're going to have to face a cold, hard truth You can't always be in the mood, no matter how much you hope for the opposite. If you're looking to "alter your mood" the biggest key is not to force it. Try to do little things every day that relax you and that might (hopefully) take your mind off of whatever is bugging you. Take time for yourself. And also, if your current mood fits you, don't pressure yourself to change! Just because we can get laid all the time doesn't mean we need to. And besides, what's the point of getting all hot and bothered if you don't want to be hot and bothered?
Carly: I agree with Elliot-the first and most important thing you need to do is take care of yourself. Women are more prone to getting distracted during sex than men, so having a lot on your mind can easily rob you of your libido. Take practical steps to get rid of your stressors, like creating a budget or doing some simple workouts at home. Don't expect your sex drive to magically appear—just help it come back. Make your bedroom a "no bummer" zone. Once you get inside, don't think about what's stressing you out. Instead, light some candles; research shows that cucumber scents can heighten arousal. Have a date night with your partner that's accompanied by some natural aphrodisiacs, like champagne and chocolate. For the finale, wear something that makes you feel sexy and put on your favorite lacy bra. When you look at yourself in the mirror and think, "Damn, I look good," then you're more likely to want to have sex.
Around the holidays, when I'm finally home and spending time with family after months away at school, everyone is longing to ask me the same question: '...so are you seeing anyone?' Whether I am or not is irrelevant. If I say 'yes,' the game of 20 questions begins and I'm wishing
I could disappear. If I say 'no,' the conversation comes to a screeching halt and I'm still wishing I could disappear. How can I equip myself to handle this sticky situation without disappointing my family and desperately wanting to hide under the table?
Hannah, junior
Elliot: It seems to me that you have to find a middle ground. You want two things to happen: First, you want to assure your folks that their daughter isn't a shut-in. Second, you want to avoid an all-out interrogation. The next time you're home and your parents start to ask questions, throw them a curve ball. Say, "Well, I've been seeing someone. But I'm not sure if there's much to it, yet, so I don't want to blow it out of proportion." This way, your parents will feel assured that you're out there meeting people. Also, it's unlikely that they will dedicate a lot of energy to grilling you with questions. I mean, honestly, what kind of parents ask when you're bringing home a special someone if you're even hesitant to mention his name! With any luck, you'll be out of the woods until you want to fill them in on more information.
Carly: I'm a big fan of those interrogations, actually. I don't get asked a million questions about anyone I'm dating anymore, though, because I relied on my sarcasm instead of being straightforward. If you really want to end the interrogations once and for all, just tell them that you met your new dating buddy downtown one night after the bars were closing. He was the rugged backpacker asking for money on the corner of Mass. Street. You knew it was fate when he asked to come home with you so he could use your shower. Mention that you really wish you could see him and talk to him more often, but it's difficult when he doesn't have a cell phone, a car, a bike or however much change is required to make a call on a pay phone. Say all of this with a straight face, and you should be okay. I used this story years ago, and since then my holidays are much less intrusive.
I made a resolution this year to walk out of my father's life. I've always
known that my lack of relationship with him is a principal factor in why I run from every romantic relationship I've ever known. How do I start over?
Jodie, junior
Elliot: One of my personal credos is that every person has to live on his or her terms. If you're really going to start over, you need to keep this in mind from the get-go. Let it become your mantra. If you need to walk out of your father's life to have a healthy one of your own, then that is what you must do.With regards to starting over with other relationships, I'd say you need to be constantly aware of your own state of mind. Know when your impulses and instincts are being thrown off by something, some past baggage that's still holding you down. In time, you'll probably manage to let go of it all. But if not, by being conscious of everything going on in your head, at least you'll be mindful enough to keep it all from hurting you any longer. Do everything on your terms, and you should be just fine.
Carly:A lot of girls have that one male figure in their lives that looms ominously over every new relationship. For some, it's an ex. For others--like you-it's their fathers. This is especially tricky,because it is often said that girls seek out men who are similar to their fathers. It's important that you learn to separate his qualities from any prospect you may have. You can't help getting caught up in that fear that your new partner is going to turn out like your father, but once you do feel that fear,do something about it.Have a close friend sit down with you so you can distance your issues with your father from this new relationship.Don't linger on the hypothetical, "What if he ...?" because those situations simply reinforce your feelings and give you justification for walking away. It won't be easy, but with a good support system to pick you back up,it's doable.
Have relationship questions or need some advice? E-mail bitchandmoan@kansan.com.
*Bitch and Moan is not to be considered as a substitute for professional help.
It was more than luck that Maddie O'Connor and Bill Murphy met in Ireland just about a year ago on O'Connor's study abroad semester.
The local pub, the Old Oak, set the scene for the Irish couple. O'Connor says Murphy roped her in with his Irish accent. O'Connor and Murphy, both juniors at the time, laughed off the cultural differences by examining Murphy's pronunciations and his use of slang terms.
Kansas City native and senior O'Connor considers herself Irish because of her great ancestors, but Murphy tells her otherwise. Having Irish ancestors doesn't make you Irish per se, but who's really checking, Murphy tells her.
Both families have welcomed the idea of a long distant relationship and are happy for the couple,but the logistics of what would happen if the two were to marry scares them: Who would live where? How do you get a visa?
Contributed photo
For now, the couple talks every day through Skype, web cams and cell phones, just as much as most couples do, O'Connor says. Every three months the two visit each other; the last visit was in Ireland over Christmas break.
It must be the luck of the Irish.
Stephanie Schneider
January 15, 2009
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