University Daily Kansan / Wednesday, April 1, 1992
5
All-male forum discusses sexual violence, how to approach victims
By Erik Bauer
Kansan staff writer
Dennis Dailey, left, refers to the male "macho" image at a sexual violence forum. Other speakers were Marty Helge, center, and Richard Nelson.
About 100 male students, mostly residents of Joseph R. Pearson Hall, met in the main lobby of the residence hall last night to listen to an all-male panel discussion about rape and sexual assault.
"I really believe rape is a man's problem," said Dennis Dailey, professor of social welfare and one of the speakers on the panel. "It isn't a woman's problem. It's her hurt. We're the ones who have to be committed to fixing it somewhere, somehow."
For about 90 minutes, the panel discussed the definition of rape, the subtleties of coercion and consent in relationships and ways to help a partner who had been raped. It also addressed questions that recent rape cases, such as the Mike Tyson case, raised for men.
The panel consisted of Dailey, Richard Nelson, a counselor at counseling and psychological services, Marty Helget, JRP resident assistant, and Eric Fiolokski, Topeka junior and JRP resident.
Dailey, who has counseled 12 women students this year who were raped, said men should honor a woman's sense of self. She added the message to the messages women send men.
"I think men can see women when they're ambivalent," he said. "I think men need to hear that as 'no.'"
Dailey said ambivalence could range from gestures to negative phys-
He said that men often pestered
their partners into sex when their partners expressed ambivalence. Dailey said such pestering has not been defined legally.
"My definition of rape is not the statutory definition of rape," Dailey said.
He said that when a drunk male had intercourse with a drunk female, it also could be considered rape, which was only a variable in litigation.
"If he pushes through that inebriation, it is rape," Dlailey said.
Men should explain their intentions before having sex and ask their partners if they consent, he said.
Danley said that about 25 percent of college women had been coerced into having sexual intercourse and that 30 percent had been sexually abused before the age of 18.
Nelson, who has counseled eight women students this year who were raped, said rapevictimsactuallywere raped twice — once by the man and once by the system.
Both Dailey and Nelson agreed that rape and sexual assault had not increased but that the number of women seeking help and getting support had increased.
Nelson said Lawrence and KU palace had made outstanding efforts to recruit a new coach.
Dalley said the best way for friends or boyfriends of rape victims to help was to listen and refrain from giving advice.
"You can be quiet." he said. "You can listen until she tells the story over and over again. What she doesn't need is, 'I'm going to shoot that bastard.'
What she doesn't need is your advice. "
The officers you train
Daily are often blamed for being
blamefully themselves and that advice
could reinforce their failure to overcome the force of the rapist.
"They feel betrayed by their own judgment," he said.
"You have to be a good listener," he said.
Helget said he had refrained from giving advice when a friend came to him with her rape experience.
Robert Dipalping, Topeka freshman,
said he thought sex was more gratifying
when both partners had consented to
the act.
"Basically, to my thinking, where rape is a violation, sex is an agreement almost."
"Ithinktooftenthatmenaretaught to ignore what the significant other signals say to them," Dipaling said.
Jeff Raynor, resident assistant at JRP and organizer of the event, said he thought the men who attended the panel would feel less inhibited about their comments if no women were present.
"I feel that the presence of women may inhibit them from saying what they actually feel." Raynor said.
Jennifer Roth, a member of Women's Student Union, said she suggested the idea to Raynor.
"I think it was more appropriate to have men talking with other men about rape and sexual assault," Roth said.
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