Section A • Page 8
The University Daily Kansan
---
April Fool's Day. 1998
1983 explosion leveled Lawrence
Blast provided city excuse to rebuild
By Tim Harrington tharrington@kanson.com Associate features editor
Just 15 years after the city of Lawrence and all its people were reduced to microscopic particles of carbon in a brilliant incendiary blink of an eye, the community thrives with post-apocalyptic life.
Now Lawrence is the archetype for how to recover from a global thermonuclear strike.
In 1983, a Soviet intercontinental ballistic missile unleashed 30 to 40 megatons of nuclear hellfire upon the Lawrence community and turned its University to ashes, its homes to radioactive deathtraps and its people to either overcooked chicken nuggets or severely sunburned, blood-thirsty brain-eating mutants.
The University of Kansas, nestled in the heart of the now-bustling city, fried like butter in a skillet. The buildings, students, faculty, staff and especially the administration melted into little puddles of goo microseconds before the shockwave blasted them into the upper atmosphere. Remains of the Jayhawk, classes of '83, '84, '85 and '86 probably haven't landed yet.
But the phoenix-like Jayhawk arose from the radioactive ashes to spread its wings again.
The school's legendary basketball program was resurrected in time to win a national championship in 1988. Beautiful downtown Lawrence is once again a great place to shop during the fall, and at the historic Free State Brewery, 636 Massachusetts St., the beer once again flows like wine.
But behind the city's shining new facade, the '83 tragedy reeks havoc in the minds of Lawrence residents.
Bob Valasek, Lawrence senior, refuses to talk about the devastation.
me.freak."
"What the hell are you talking about?" Valasek said. "It was a movie. It was like a 15-second scene in a movie. Get away from
It seems that the people here were so horrified by the incident that they have developed complex mental defense mechanisms to suppress the memory of their town being popped like some giant nuclear pimple just 14 years ago. It's as if it was all just some scene from a movie.
University of Kansas students lounge on Massachusetts Street shortly after much of Lawrence [background] was destroyed by a Russian nuclear missile blast. In the short time since, the city has risen from the ashes and thrives once again. File photo
Ellie Caler, Lawrence sophomore, suffers from a similar psychosis which makes her reluctant to talk about the time when she and her family were disintegrated in a fis-
Lawrence senior
Bob Valasek
"It was a movie. It was like a 15 second scene in a movie. Get away from me, freak."
"Please get away from me," she said.
"You're scaring me. There's an emergency call box 10 feet away. Don't think I won't use it."
The horror of being obliterated in a thermonuclear explosion has left Caler unable to talk about the incident.
Peace between the United States and the former Soviet Union has allowed former Cold War enemies to get to know each other as friends as well as allies.
Nicolae Krustegorbenstal Rusinski was a major in the Red Army in 1983 and pushed the button that fired the missile that exploded over Lawrence that made the city go poof.
Rusinski recounts the tumultuous emotional roller coaster that ripped through him when the order came to kill thousands of innocent people with the touch of a button.
"I sat in a small box four miles under a mountain in Siberia," Rusinski said. "I sat in front of a green light. When it turns red, I was to push the button. In 1983, it turned red. I pushed the button."
Not all Lawrence residents view thermonuclear destruction with the stereotypical malice that the mainstream media so
often use to portray it.
One of those people is Dan Cimarolli, who became the mayor of Lawrence in 1984.
"I'll admit it," he said. "I benefited from all the nuclear destruction. I simply said to the voters, 'Look where the incumbent got you; scorched earth, radiation mutations and all that icky stuff. How much worse could I do?"
He said that another integral plank in his campaign platform was his way of looking on the bright side of Lawrence's situation.
"I pointed out that the parking shortage downtown was completely gone," he said. "You could park anywhere you liked. You might say we nuked the problem."
Cimarolli won by a landslide.
Maybe Lawrence's remarkable recovery ability is because of practice.
Lawrence is no stranger to being burnt to
the ground. In 1863, William Quantrill and his men did a pretty good job of it, but the people of Lawrence proved resilient. After Quantrill's raids, the city officially adopted the phoenix as its symbol.
In 1970, a few KU students and Lawrence residents gave it another try, but the National Guard was called in, and the phoenix stood fast.
Cimarolli hopes the trend will continue.
The kids hope the trend will continue.
"I've been waiting 12 years now for this place to burn again," he said. "I tried lighting my own house on fire to get it started, but the fire department came. At first I thought they were on my side because they didn't do anything, but they just made sure no other houses caught fire. They let mine burn to the ground."
Cimarrol said that if re-elected, he would fire the fire department.
Achievement ceremony lacks excellence
By Tim Harrington tharrington@kansan.com Associate features editor
Controversy filled the air last night as the University of Kansas attempted to give one of its highest honors, the award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence.
The two final candidates for the award, Ardin Hablin, Gridley senior, and Sarah Zignif, Formosun junior, serve as reminders to all KU students that an outstanding commitment to achieving victory in life's obstacles and a relentless dedication to excellence are rewarded.
When the committee announced that Zignif would be the recipient
Unfortunately, the award includes no requirement for being a good winner.
of the Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence award, Hablin immediately jumped to his feet in protest.
"She could wander around the Field of Excellence for hours and not even know it," Hablin protested. "Sure, she made a few achievements, but nothing that really stood out."
It was at that point that one of committee members explained the group's decision. He said that although Hablin's achievements also stood out, they were not outstanding, as Zignif's achievements were.
Hablin then let out a burst of obscenities directed at the committee and announced that he was going home. Before carrying through with his statement, he violently attempted to disconnect the microphone from the lectern.
Unsuccessful in his efforts, with tears streaming down his face, Hablin dragged the lectern out of the auditorium while muttering obscenities. From the hall came another burst of obscenities that sounded as if it came from Hablin. He then re-entered the auditorium and let loose with a final burst of obscenities directed at no one in particular.
Audience and committee members then helped themselves to Rice Krispies Treats and punch.
The award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence is given to one KU student each year who, in the eyes of Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence committee members, has devoted his or her time at the University to making significant achievements that exemplify excellence.
Abbie Spanokin, Lakin senior and Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence student representative committee member, said that the group could not have made a more outstanding choice.
"Her tireless efforts in the field of excellence really are an achievement for this truly outstanding student." Spanokin said. "She's just had so many excellent outstanding achievements that I couldn't possibly think of one now."
Factors that committee members look for when deciding who will win the Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence award are: the number of highly notable achievements made, the degree to which those achievements were outstanding, and whether the outstanding achievements enter the realm of excellence.
"I knew I had achieved a few things, and I suspected that some of them were outstanding," Zignif said. "But to be considered to be in the field of excellence really bakes my beans. I couldn't believe it."
Zignif said her first achievements came late in high school, but that they were not very outstanding.
"They really sucked," she said.
"They really sucked," she said. But at the University, Zignif blossomed into an outstanding achiever. There was talk of excellence, but she dismissed it as crazy-person talk.
"I guess they really were excellent," she said. "And anyone who has read this far down in this story should consider themselves fooled."
Former student comes clean; code of responsibility a farce
A recent confession by the former KU student who wrote the Code of Student Rights and Responsibilities may have serious repercussions for the University community.
Matt Tobin, Sandusky, Ohio, graduate has admitted that he stole most of the text of the Student Code of Rights and Responsibilities from Manhattan University's code of conduct.
Tobin's actions violate Article II, section 6 of the code which deals with academic misconduct. By plagiarizing the Code of Student Rights and Responsibilities, Tobin made the Code null and void the moment it went down on paper.
"I'm just a joker at heart, I guess," Tobin said. "I planned this all from the beginning. Now, I'll be laughing all the way to the bank. No, wait, I guess I'll just be laughing."
As Tobin laughs, the University is technically in a state of anarchy in which there are no student rules whatsoever.
"I'm going to walk right into class and punch my teacher square in the face," said Doug Calkins, Pittsburgh, Pa. sophomore. "He really has it coming."
Faculty members seemed eager to teach students who had no rights.
Some cooperation between the faculty, staff and students has been reported. A large crowd comprised of members of all three groups armed with torches, rocks, and fire bombs was sighted en route to Stauffer-Flint Hall.
"I'm bringing my gun, a baseball bat and a can of mace," said Janet Grimes, professor of underwater basket weaving and physics. "I plan to blow the head off of any students who don't have their homework."
Most students are taking the news well.
Tim Harrington
Purple hair dye changes student's life
By David Lichius
features@kansan.com
Special to the Kansan
In a ground breaking and startling display of rebellion, University of Kansas freshman Apryl Calley dyed her hair purple Saturday.
Replacing her old garb will be a full line of rock and under-sized Porn Star T-shirts, black schoolgirl dresses and baggy pants.
"This is just the beginning," Calley said. "I'm going to the secondhand and thrift stores after my poetry-writing class."
Speaking from the front steps of her residence hall, the Derby design major expressed extreme pleasure with her change in hair color.
Calley intends to donate her current wardrobe of J.Crew sweaters, Stussy shirts and other "prepyre garbage" to the Salvation Army.
"I've started listening to this
Other bands Calley has started listening to include Ween, the Beatles and Nine Inch Nails.
band from Omaha called 311, dude. They totally rock," Calley proclaimed.
"Trent Reznor is so sexy," gushed Calley. "If I were not dating Cole, I would marry him."
Calley is referring to her boyfriend Cole Gardner, a Chiropractor.
"I met him playing hacky-sack in February," Calley said. "After talking to him for an hour, I was in love."
Gardner, wearing a stocking cap despite the 70-degree weather, agreed.
Chicago junior.
taste for clove cigarettes, coffee and role-playing games.
Calley: Breaking out from the norm
he this game called Vampire: the Masquerade, it lets me be a totally different person," she said.
Since meeting Gardner, Calley said she had developed a
"I really love this game
That different person is not a person at all, but a Bulgarian vampire named Miranda LeBoc.
"She's artistic and beautiful," Calley said. "She's a Torreador, which means she is in the most
she is in the most elite clan of them all."
Every Thursday night, Calley said, she and fourteen others dress up and play Live Action Vampire in the residence hall. Calley said costumes frequently include black leather pants, full-length glyca dresses and Joy Division Shirts.
"Are you nuts? They would cut me off." Calley said.
Calley has yet to tell her parents about her new views.
Calley lives on a $400 monthly allowance given to her by her parents and grandfather.
"Did I ever tell you I was a cheerleader in high school?" Calley said. "I was the captain my senior year."
Calley said that her transformation was inevitable.
"I believe in fate, so all of this was supposed to happen. My hair, Cole, everything," Calley said. "It was all a matter of time before my true self could get out."
Merrymaking top priority for iron-fisted coalition
Third group throws hat into Senate election ring
By Chris Horton
chorton@kansan.com
Kansan staff writer
Known as the Student Coalition Heading Into Tomorrow, the dark-
In a surprising turn of events, a third party has entered the mudslinging of campus election season.
Batkunin: New kid on the campaign block
A Campus Cause senatorial candidate who wished to remain anony-
norse coalition appears to be a formidable opponent for Campus Cause and Delta Force, two parties already engaged in political competition.
mous said of the upstart party, "I don't know S.C.H.I.T.; my colleagues don't know S.C.H.I.T., but I can guarantee you one thing: We're not afraid of them."
A Delta Force candidate said her party was ready for S.C.H.I.T. in the upcoming election.
"I was overwhelmed by their views on campus issues," Tillison said, "In fact, my friends and I are such avid supporters, we call ourselves 'S.C.H.I.T. heads.'"
Michael Batkunin, Berkeley, Calif. senior, is the coalition's candidate for student body president. Batkunin said that S.C.H.I.T.'s first campaign rally would occur at Memorial Stadium.
"A lot of people come up to me and ask, 'Why do you expect to need a place as large as the stadium for your first rally?'" Batkunin said. "The answer is simple: free beer."
It appears that campus is full of such supporters. In a recent poll of 2,000 students, 15 percent said they would vote for Delta Force and 15 percent would vote for Campus Cause. The remaining 70 percent of the polled students said they were going to vote for the new party.
S.C.H.I.T. LIST
What is this about? Many students are ready to vote, but few know much about the new coalition's platform.
- Before exams or upon handing in papers, students should be
before exams or upon handing in papers, students should be allowed to "tip" professors and graduate teaching assistants for hard work and dedication.
"I heard they were going to repeal the University's rules on bribing professors," said Trevor Armstrong, Aspen, Colo., freshman. "That would be good for me, because I'm tired of sitting next to the smart kids in my class during tests."
- The installation of a throne in the Student Senate office, complete with large sentinel torches on either side and a trap door in front through which "unmotivated" subjects will plummet to their miserable deaths.
Free beer.
A "re-education" center for students who think incorrectly.
Free beer
Free milk and cookies.
- The promise to crush anyone who stands in their way.
No classes before 4 p.m.
No classes after 4:30 p.m.
Feeling feverish? The probe understands! LAWRENCE'S BEST THERMOMETERS 3067 Massachusetts St.
READ THE KANSAN
... 'CUZ FROSTY WOULD WANT YOU TO.
THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN: BECAUSE IT MIGHT SNOW
EXOTIC ANIMAL SUPPLY
"Get your wacky pets from us." Next to the Best Buy on town
The "Family" is accepting applications. Delivery persons needed for growing corporation. No background checks Don't worry. We'll find you.
Yeah, so, Happy April Fool's. Please don't hate us. Love, the HillTopics staff.
Not any more!
LONELY?
I'm lonely.
Lawrence's premiere supplier of escorts can help!
BOB'S ESCORT SERVICE 698-DATE