4
Tuesday,September 7,1993
OPINION
UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN
VIEWPOINT
THE ISSUE
Violent crime and the number of illegal guns in Kansas City and throughout the country have produced a need for positive measures to try to curb senseless violence.
THE BACKGROUND
Kansas City, Mo., city council member Carol Coe has sponsored a resolution calling for the chief of police to explore the possibility of conducting weapons checkpoints on Kansas City's streets. This resolution, if turned into law, will give police the permission to set up weapons checkpoints.
THE OPINION
Checkpoints will not help solve gun problems
This resolution sponsored by council member Coe, and passed on August 26, is a noble attempt to attack the ever present problem of violence associated with illegal weapons. But the resolution does not take into account the more pressing questions and tensions which will arise if the resolution becomes law. The proposal, if voted into law, would set a bad precedent that could justify setting up weapons checkpoints in other cities, including Lawrence.
In Kansas City alone there is a murder every 58 minutes and an aggravated assault every 72 minutes, according to another related resolution sponsored by council member Coe. While we all realize the need and urgency for aggressive police action in fighting crime, this resolution is not the answer. The legality, individual privacy rights, effectiveness and community-police trust issues that would arise outweigh the resolution's intended goal, which is "to curb violence associated with access to illegal weapons."
Proponents of the resolution draw a parallel between sobriety checkpoints and proposed weapons checkpoints. This comparison is flawed because the majority of people stopped at sobriety checkpoints are of legal drinking age. Yet, many of the people who own guns are not old enough to drive cars. And although weapons checkpoints may keep guns off the street on given nights, it does not address the greater problem of the numbers of guns still floating around our neighborhoods.
More importantly, this resolution would subject too many people, specifically minorities, to degrading and humiliating searches. The Black National Congress in Kansas City, as recently as Wednesday, protested in front of City Hall against the resolution. Most of us have heard about or know someone who has been searched by the police, and the stories are far from glamorous. We should be able to retain our personal right to drive from point A to point B without being unjustly accused of concealing illegal weapons.
Although the resolution passed with a vote of 10-1, the lone dissenting vote came from Mayor Emmanuel Cleaver. This should serve as a strong message to the people when the city's highest official disagrees with the proposal.
An alternative program that has been successful in getting guns off the streets without bothering innocent people is the gun buy-back program. This program has worked in cities as close as Omaha, Neb.The ambitious efforts of council member Coe should be applauded, but in order to maintain our rights and lessen the violence in our streets, alternate programs must be investigated.
MANNY LOPEZ FOR THE EDITORIAL BOARD
KANSAN STAFF
KC TRAUER, Editor
RC TRAUER, EDURO
JOE HARDER, CHRISTINE LAUE
Managing editors
TOM ELBEN
General manager, news adviser
Editors
AMY CASEY
Business manager
AMY STUMBO
Retail sales manager
JEANNE HINES
Sales and marketing adviser
BILL SKEET, Systems coordinator
Assistant to the editor .. J.R. Clairborne
News .. Stacy Friedman
Editorial .. Territyn McCormick
Campus .. Ben Grove
Sports .. Krietli Foster
Photo .. Klip Chin, Renee Kneeer
Features .. Erza Wrafe
Graphics .. John Paul Fogel
Business Staff
Campus sales mgr ... Ed Schaper
Regional sales mgr ... Jennifer Perrier
National sales mgr ... Jennifer Evenson
Co-op sales mgr ... Blythe Fucht
Production mgrs ... Jennifer Blowey
Kate Burgess
Marketing director ... Shelly McConnell
Manager ... Janice Davis
Classified mgrs ... Janice Davis
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Death could come at any time, so plan ahead for best results
Today's Humor Topic Is: Death.
Eventually everybody has to die, except Elvis. You never know when your time will come. One minute you could be as healthy as a horse, and the next minute you could be killed by exploding bat dung.
COLUMNIST
This is what nearly happened to rangers at Tahquamenon Falls State Park in Michigan, where, according to news articles sent in by many alert readers, a building was leveled by a monster blast — audible 14 miles away — that resulted when a sump pump spark ignited methane gas that had been generated by large quantities of bat dung. Fortunately, nobody was in the building at the time except bats, whose names are being withheld pending notification of next of kin.
But even you do not set foot in Tabuquenon Falls State Park — and that is certainly my recommendation, at least until after the funeral services — death can come at any time. In the words of the Old Testament prophet, Abbr. speaking in the Book of Longitudes, Chapter Nine, Verse Four, Sector Seven: "For whom amongst ye can know the exact day, nor hour, nor
minute nor GAAAACCCK (thud)."
Yes, the big moment could come at any time, which is why you should be thinking NOW about making arrangements for your post-death lifestyle. You want to spare your loved ones the pain and agony of having to make funeral arrangements for you later at a time when, for example, they might have tickets to the playoffs
Now before I get a lot of trade mail from the funeral industry, let me stress that your modern bereavement counselor is NOT just out to make money. He is a highly trained professional who is interested only in servicing the family of the deceased at a very reasonable cost, if necessary ("Well Mrs. Deeleg, if you are looking to save a few dollars, we offer a 'Basic'
package that includes this durable,
high quality, four-ply 'Hefty' bag with
a sturdy twist tie to ...'.
so make these arrangements NOW.
And be sure to leave explicit written instructions with your next of kin stating what kind of funeral service you want. ESPECIALLY what kind of music I say this in light of an alarm article from The Star, sent in by Katherine Ryanan, listing the most popular recorded songs played at funerals. These include "My Way," sung by Frank Sinatra (Regrets, I've had a few, but then again, too few to mention);" and "Ben" sung by Michael Jackson. Correct我 if I'm wrong here, but isn't the song "Ben" from the movie "Ben," which is about a rat? Do you want Michael Jackson singing a love song to a RAT at your funeral?
Of course not. You want something more suitable, such as — this would be my selection — "Mony Mony," by Tommy James and the Sandhills. Also, you'd want to close with an appropriate inspirational song by James Brown, such as:
"This is a brand new day.
So let a man come in,
And do the popcorn."
Another thing you definitely should do prior to dying is make sure you have a proper will. According to the nation's largest lawyer organization, the American Association of Aforementioned Legal Professionals, the best way to get a will is to copy down the following paragraph and sign it:
L. (YOUR NAME, being of sound mind and reasonable body, do heretofore set forth the following (hereafter the mortgage)) and do thereby attest and affirm thereto etc. blah blah blah there is no need to read this too carefully it is all just standard legal "boilerplate" blah blah blah and therefore I bequeath and bestow and begive all my money and everything to Dave Barry blah blah so I'll sign this right now here I go I'm signing it (SIGN HERE).
There! That pesky chore has been taken care of. Now you can forget about this morbid topic and get on with your life, have fun, maybe take a nice trip somewhere. Speaking purely as your friend, I recommend some place with bats.
Dave Barry is a syndicated columnist with the Miami Herald.
Songs provide excellent pickup lines
While trying to readjust myself to the routine of student life during the first week of school, I also was able to re-acclimate myself with ways to get my mind off of, or more appropriately, ignore my studying obligations.
One great interest of mine and of many my fellow students is music. Not only is music a lot of fun to listen to, but it also provides me with an opportunity to analyze or philosophize. The thing with most of the songs I hear is that although I derive great pleasure from listening, I couldn't always tell what is being said. I've had this problem since elementary school.
When I first realized that some songs had words that meant something (last year sometime), it was like a whole new world opened up. I encourage all of you to listen to the words of your favorite songs, or maybe even songs that you don't like. It can provide great entertainment, and you can learn many things. Even a little about the art of romance. I look at some examples:
STAFF COLUMNIST
1) One of the great movie flops of 1902 was, in my opinion, "Boomerang." Although I enjoyed the great performances of Halle Berry and well, Halle Berry, the basic story line was pretty pathetic. The soundtrack was better, and I do own it, but a lame movie deserves at least one lame song. "Boomerang" boasts "Give My Heart" by Babyface. This "should have been a Grammy winner" produced one of the great pick-up lines of our time for you guys out there. I quote, "I would give U my heart and I would always be true and I would love you forever if I could just make love to
Let's envision:
U. " Hmmm. Try that one on your next date. I've heard it is amazingly successful.
WOMAN: "You know, things aren't working. I just don't think you really love me, and it seems like you're scared of making a commitment."
YOU: "Hey now, that's just not fair.
And to prove it, I promise to do all the things you just said if we can have sex,
I mean, make love."
I think the obvious intelligence of the argument speaks for itself.
2) I was driving home one day and heard this song. It's called "Talk it Over," and I'm not sure of the artist, so I won't incriminate an innocent person by throwing out names. But anyway, this made me laugh aloud. The premise of the tune is that a man is having some emotional difficulties with his honeybunch, so he suggests very surely that they, and I quote, "talk it over in bed."
Most women that I've talked to say this is a great thing to suggest, so all men should try it. For practical purposes, your goal conversation should follow this format.
WOMAN: "Hey, I'm really, really mad at you."
YOU: "Hey (insert your unique love term here, i.e., honey, baby, sugar), I know you are upset, but I'm sure if we go back to my place and have sex, I mean, make love, we'll both feel a lot better."
Your woman will certainly see that you have a flawless argument, and all problems will be solved.
So as you can see, there is much to hear and learn from the music industry. Not only do we get something to dance to, but it also could very well improve your relationship with that "significant other." If you just follow the suggestions and ideas in your favorite tunes, you too can follow in the footsteps of great American lovers like Humphrey Bogart and Ted Kennedy.
Chris Ronen is an Overland Park sophomore majoring in radio-TV broadcast.
University of Mars
In the Dorm Cafeteria... AAargh!! Some body Help me, Dennis Just ate my right Arm
Did you take his Arm, Dennis? You produce that arm immediately, or you'll be in big trouble!
by Joel Francke