Illustration by Courtney Cook
Pains of unfaithfulness
Cheating can shatter a relationship, whether the couple is married, just dating or living together. But infidelity does not always mean partners cannot reconcile.
Editor's note The names in this story have been changed because of the personal nature of the topic.
By Ezra Wolfe
Kansan staff writer
iz knew her fiance had been cheating on her after she made a visit to Watkins Memorial Health Center. I confronted him and said, You've been cheating on me. He said, No haven't! I said, Yes you have, the doc
Liz is just one of many KU students who have hard but faithful partners.
Adultery is not more or less common in college students than in anyone else. Whether a couple is married, living together or just dating, cheating is a painful betrayal that can destroy a relationship.
Liz's boyfriend eventually told the truth. Yes, he had been cheating on her, but he used a condom, so he could not have even her a venereal disease.
"He told me I must have cheated on him," she said with exasperation oozing
from her voice. "But later I talked with his next girlfriend, and she told me she had to take him to the doctor to get rid of it."
Liz broke up with her fiance when she found out.
Dennis Dailey, professor of social welfare, said cheating did not have to end a relationship.
"It isn't impossible to recover," Dailey said. "That's why we have the word forgiveness in the English language."
Arthur Thomas, associate director of counseling and psychological services, said joint counseling was a good way to work out problems resulting from infidelity.
Dailey said some relationships even could end up stronger because of the healing process resulting from cheating.
Making couples, however, never recover from the sense of betrayal caused by cheating.
Bob, a homosexual KU junior, said that before his partner cheated on him their relationship was going fine.
His partner of about a month was unfairful to him during spring break. A friend told Bob about it, and Bob confronted his partner immediately.
"I made him cry," he said. "I told him I loved him, but I didn't. I tried to make him feel guilty. It was a wonderful feeling."
Bob said homosexuals experienced the same emotions that heterosexuals experienced.
"I felt angry and betrayed," he said. "I demand a certain amount of respect, and if someone is not going to give me that respect, I'm not gonna give it back."
Jason, a KU senior, said he has cheated on his girlfriend, who is attending another college.
"To a certain extent, men and women at this age have doubts about whether they want to marry the person they are seeing." Jason said. "People kind of look around to see what's out there. A certain situation could lead to them feeling good about it or make them appreciate what they have."
Jason said he did not tell his girlfriend because he did not think it was worth destroying the relationship.
"The thing that concerns me," he said,
"is that she might make a big deal out if it
when it wasn't anything big."
Rob, a KU freshman, said he cheated on a girlfriend when he was in high
school
He had been dating his girlfriend for three months when a female friend he liked came over to play video games. They soon started wrestling playfully and ended up with the lights off. His girlfriend only found out after they broke up.
"Later, the girl I did it with told my exgrfriend," he said. "Now that causes major problems with our relationship."
"I felt guilty that I betrayed her trust, but I would have been furious if she did it to me," he said. "It's a double standard and I think for guys it seems, but for girls it is worse."
Dailey said that men cheat more than women but that the reasons were a combination of many complex factors.
"It could include men taking the idea of "commitment less seriously than women, the sexist notion of male preagener, men being less willing to engage in problem solving, or men trying to prove they are still meh," he said.
"On this campus, lots of men and women cheat," Dailey said. "It hurts just as much as it does in marriage. It is just as much an assault on trust."
Honesty is the best policy when breaking up
Editor's note. Only first names were used in this story because of the personal nature of the topic.
Kansan staff writer
By Vicki Bode
That is how Natalie, Overland Park sophomore, ended her three-year relationship.
was fine with me."
If you are having trouble deciding how to break up with your significant other, then try throwing a party.
"I wanted to break up with my boyfriend, but I was afraid he would do something crazy if did," Natalie said. "So, I set it up so that he would be forced to break up with me."
The next day he called and he wanted to break up," she said. "I told him that
Natalie said that she told her boyfriend she was going to have an all-female party and that he was not invited. Her boyfriend came to the party and found Natalie surrounded by men instead of women.
Natalie's plan may have worked, but professionals suggest that honesty is the best policy.
John Fittell, a licensed clinical social worker in Lawrence, said that being honest was the most important element when breaking up.
"People must be direct," Fittell said. "A lot of people don't say that it's over when it is definitely over."
He said that delaying the end of a relationship made it worse for everyone involved.
Lee, Overland Park sophomore, discovered that trying to spare his girlfriend's feelings only made breaking up more difficult.
"I didn't want to be a jerk," Lee said, "So I guess I wasn't strong enough when I broke up with her."
Lee dated a girl in North Carolina for two years and then moved to Kansas. A month after Lee moved, he told his girlfriend that he wanted to break up. Despite Lee's object-
tions, the girl continued to call him for the next year and a half and even visited him.
"She also sent me a letter saying that she hoped that I died and that I had the worst possible life," he said. "I've never dated anyone as weird as her."
Although Lee's girlfriend clung to the past, Fittell said that it normally took men longer than women to recover from relationships. He said that women complete the emotional healing process before men do.
Jon, Minnetonka, Mimn, senior, said that he thought men fell in love more quickly, but that the person that got dumped had the most difficult time recovering.
"I treated it like a business transaction and just said that I didn't want to see her anymore," Jon said. "Dating her is the biggest regret of my life."
Jon broke up with his girlfriend after he discovered she had told lies about him.
He said that he did not speak to the girl.
But some people can remain friends after
breaking up, said Frank DeSalvo, director of counseling and psychological services at KU.
"Whether or not two people can be friends really depends on the specific relationship," DeSalvo said, "But when two people date, they get to know a lot about each other. That knowledge about each other could continue into a friendship."
"It took us about six months before we could forget about our old feelings," she said. "But, then we became friends, and we have been good friends for four years."
Natalie agreed that people could be friends with their ex-boyfriend and girlfriends.
People can reduce the possibility of a bad relationship if they communicate, Pittell said.
"The main issue in a good relationship is setting goals," he said. "People need to talk about things like what they like to do on the weekend. It is also helpful to learn to respect the other person's emotional patterns."
APRIL 7,1993
PAGE 7
calendar
Leadstory
The Pasadena, Calif., Humane Society, using private funds, recently began construction of a $4.3 million dog-and-cat shelter, with towellined cages, skylights, "microclimate" air conditioning, an aviary, sculptured bushes, "adoption counseling pavilions" in which people can meet with their prospective "companion animals," and according to the architect, "a very, subdued, classical painting scheme." The Los Angeles Times, noting that there are four times as many shelters in the United States for animals as for battered women, quoted an outraged caseworker for a local homeless-person shelter: "it's mind-boggling. I want to know (who) their (funders) are."
Silver Tongues
■ Mesa, Ariz., councilman Jim Stapley, advo-
Issues and trends at the University of Kansas.
Continued on Page 13.
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