UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN
Wednesday, March 17, 1993
9
Living with schizophrenia
Visser works on her art in the evenings to pass the time and to fight off depression. Visser has a bachelor's degree in fine arts and a master's degree in library science.
Story continued from Page 1
rardo said. "Doctors think that it is a nuochemical problem in the brain."
He emphasized that schizophrenia was not caused by the environment or how a person was raised.
Medical professionals cannot explain the reason for the affliction's link to college-age people.
When Visser was a sophomore at the University of Denver, the symptoms developed slowly. She would appear normal one day and the next day did strange things.
Visser fights back frustration and depression as she works on her art.
"I can't remember everything that happened," she says as she frowns and stares blankly at the floor. "I remember thinking what was happening in ancient Greek to make fun of me."
Visser married before her major symptoms began. She and her husband moved to New York after she graduated. There the intense delusions began.
Visser's parents brought her home and the illness came and went. Visser was able to finish college. She spent a semester at the Art Institute of Chicago and received a bachelor's degree in fine arts from the University of Iowa when she was 20.
I heard glass crunch when people walked," she says. "I also started thinking I was Virginia Woolf reincarnated."
She says many therapists attributed her condition to environmental factors instead of realizing she needed to be on medication.
"My brain was misfiring; it had nothing to do with whether my mom toilet trained me correctly." Visser says.
After an incident when she cut up her arm with a razor blade, her family put her into a hospital.
"I don't understand why people didn't just lock me up," she says. "The slightest pressure and the voices would get louder and then everything went down hill."
Visser's husband had a difficult time dealing with the illness. They were divorced after seven years. Visser spent the following years in and out of hospitals.
ow Visser has lived alone for more than two years. She is not able to work. It creates too much stress and complains about it.
She survives on disability welfare from the state of Kansas while she works each day to live a normal life.
"I'm not just a schizophrenic sitting on her butt in her apartment and sucking her thumb, which is so much the image of what schizophrenics do," Visser says.
Visser rises early in the morning, puts on one of her many loose fitting house dresses, watches the morning news and either reads or paints. She spends time at the Lawrence Public Library, where she prices books that are for sale. She also has volunteered to spend time with an 81-year-old woman.
"It makes me feel like I have a normal working day," she says, nervously rocking back and forth. "I want so badly to be normal."
Although the volunteer work at the library is far from stressful, sometimes she cannot convince herself to go.
"Sometimes I get paranoid and think that everyone at the library knows that I am a failure," Visser says. "I can't convince myself that it isn't true. But someday I will be able to."
It is unusual for a person with schizophrenia to live alone, said David Holmes, professor of psychology at KU, but he believes Visser is capable of taking care of herself.
"She is a very bright lady." Holmes said. She knows who to call when she gets in trouble.
Despite the difficulties of living alone. Visser values her independence and privacy.
"Hospitals are sterile," she says. "There isn't a lot of warmth and caring."
"The only time I don't like it is when I am suicidal," she says. "I've hidden all of my knives because I am a slasher."
"Sometimes it is just so tempting. It takes a lot of will power." Visser says. "But if I just call someone up, I can calm down."
She made a promise to her parents that she would not try to kill herself. At times it is a difficult promise to keep.
Visser also signed a Med Center contract promising that she would not kill herself. She laughs about the contract.
“What are they going to do — stand over my corpse and say 'but she signed this?'” Visser says. “It’s pretty stupid.”
She does not think she could ever kill herself, she says. It would hurt her parents too much. But she would like to have an easy way to escape her illness.
"I if had cancer, I wouldn't take any medication," she says. "I'd rather just die."
Although it was difficult for her family to accept her illness in the beginning, Visser's parents now play a large role in her life and are strong supporters.
"It was a mess of misunderstandings in the beginning," Visser says. "My father thought it was something I could overcome by clean living — if I had been living in a sewer or something. At first it embarrassed my mother."
Virginia Visser agreed that she found it difficult to understand what was happening to her daughter when the illness started.
"It was a horrible feeling because I started thinking everybody was right — I really was making it up. I really was a sister." Visser says. "At first everybody refused to believe that he was on event just got burned out and they didn't want go through it anymore."
"The hardest part was thinking she could be cured. I kept thinking 'this will be the drug to cure her' and I still sometimes think that."
"At first I was in denial because I didn't want it to be true," her mother said. "I also was so afraid because I didn't know what I was dealing with.
Better Visser is the oldest of four daughters. Her sisters became frustrated with her when she became ill and thought she exaggerated her symptoms.
with her. One has disassociated herself from Visser.
Two of Visser's sisters still keep in touch
"I think she believes she could be next," Visser says. "If I could take back all of the horrible things my family has seen, I would do it in a minute."
isser started painting again six months ago and spends part of every day working on her art. She also enjoys reading books,
especially non-fiction. Currently, she's reading "Awakenings," a true story about a mentally ill man.
"I'm mad at the injustice, not only for me but for all people with mental illness." Visser says. "We are treated as less than human."
says, "I want to try to help people better understand us. How would you feel if you couldn't trust your brain, the thing that keeps you going?" I can't trust it because it plays tricks on me."
Visser has spoken to high school and college classes about her illness. It educates students, she says, and has helped her feel more worthwhile. Visser also spends time with her competer through the Bert Nash Community Mental Health Center in Lawrence. A competer is a volunteer who befriends a mentally ill person.
Elizabeth Holiday, Visser's competer, said she thought Visser handled her illness better than many.
"Betty is high functioning and intelligent, but she is a little too hard on herself," Holiday said. "She is a survivor, and I really admire her courage."
Visser has improved since Holiday first met her two years ago.
"She has come a long way," Holiday said. "She was much more spaceed out then."
visset and monday help each other.
"I have learned a lot from her," Holiday said. "I've learned that the little problems I have are nothing compared to those that the mentally ill experience."
Visser wants to help the mentally ill regain some of their rights and make the government realize that mentally ill people need financial assistance. She has composed a letter to Gov. Joan Finney. It explains the problems of trying to pay for medicine.
isser takes her life one day at a time because tomorrow has no guarantees with it. She worries that her medication could be cut
Visser has had a reversal of her symptoms since she started taking Clozaril.
"She regained her self-esteem," Pardo said. "Before she didn't care about her appearance and sat in a corner all curled up. Today she even wears makeup. The contrast is unbelievable."
Visser agrees that she is handling the illness better since she began taking Clozari. But the daily threats caused by her delusions have not disappeared.
Visser says she still has suicidal thoughts.
"A couple times a week I will go for the razor blades," she says. "But the difference now is that I won't actually use them."
She wants to develop her artistic skills. But she may never reach her main goal.
"I would like to be normal, but I don't think I ever will," Sisser says. "I want to have friends. I want to be loved and be able to love. Really simple things."
In the future Visser hopes she can better cope with the drugs' side effects. Last year, Haldol, the drug she was taking, forced her to walk with a cane. Clozari's side effects, uncontrollable salivating and weight gain, are minimal.
Visser works with Ganis Pine, her case worker from support services at the Bert Nash Community Mental Health Center in Lawrence, to fill out forms needed to get financial aid from the government. Pine meets weekly with Visser.
Visser's art is done in vivid watercolor, and she likes to use stencils to draw her images. This piece was done in January.
Spending afternoons at the library, Visser volunteers her time pricing books in the basement. She does not work on a set schedule but comes in when work needs to be done.