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Friday,February 12,1993
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CHANCELLOR'S STUDENT AWARD
NOMINATION FORMS ARE NOW
AVAILABLE IN THE
ORGANIZATIONS & ACTIVITIES
CENTER, 400 KANSAS UNION.
COMPLETED FORMS MUST BE
RETURNED TO OAC BY
5:00 P.M., MONDAY, MARCH 1
Awards include:
The Agree Wright Strickland Award
The Donald K. Akleon Memorial Award
The Class of 1913 Award
The Rusty Leffel Concerned Student Award
Description of Awards included on nomination form
VALENTINE GIFTS FOR HER
Treat her to a luxurious satin charmeuse chemise in red, teal, magenta, royal, emerald or fuchsia. Reg $25.
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VALENTINE GIFTS FOR HIM
$19.99 Silk Boxers
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No love-struck members allowed in organization
GUEST COLUMNIST
February 14 is looming ahead of all single people like a taunting noose. We don't have to spend the day by ourselves, though. I hereby call for bitter people of the world to unite! We don't have to stand alone muttering "get a room" at the sight of couples ... well ... coupling. Nor do we have to dodge the Hallmark Valentine card racks at Diluns anymore. We're better than that, damn it! We can be much more petty and bitter as one big unified legion of pessimists and losers in the war of love.
Frankly, I don't see how the oversimplified version of one of our bodily organs ever became the trademark of Valentine's Day. For one, heart disease is one of the leading causes of death in our country. It's like saying, "Happy Valentine's Day, honey! And here's a card that will be a constant reminder of your immanent mortality!" Another reason the heart sign is an innate symbol of love is that, if viewed upside down, it looks like a baboon's posterior.
I think our group, B.I.T.E. (Bitter Individuals Together Entrapped-OK, it's weak, but the anagram kicksbut!) ought to knock Valentine's Day off its lofty plateau in the love-struck eyes of its pathetic followers. To do this, we must be subtle, but strong in our actions. The first mode of operation is to infiltrate the work force on Valentine's Day. As B.I.T.E. takes over the restaurants and gift shops, we'll begin to desensitize all those J-Crew clad enraptured wienies to the point of servitude. To the waiters and waitresses of B.I.T.E: On the night of the 14th, say that you are out of everything but foods that will make those young couples burp or
flatulent. An example would be, "I'm sorry sir. We're all out of salmon this evening. We do, however, have a lovely bean dish you might enjoy with our radish and cucumber salad on the side." Also, push the dishes that are heavy on them walk out of our restaurants being the most unsavory-smelling individuals to catch wind of each other this side of the Kansas River.
If you work at a video store, hide all copies of any romantically-tainted movies and check out only "Apocalypse Now," and German-speaking films to people. Not only are these "must-see" flicks, but they are guaranteed to royally burn out any loving couple to where exchanges of chocolate and roses seem a sacrilege.
Are there any B.L.T.E members out there who work in card shops? Your role in our victory is a major one. With every card that you are handed at the register, you will read the printed message inside and roll your eyes. Your poor customers should leave the store an empty-handed quivering neurotic child by the time you're done with them.
Ladies and gentlemen of BLT.E, we have the power. Our resources are not limited to the workforce alone, however. Use your roles as best friends and confidants to work your magic. If your roommate asks what he should do for his girlfriend or boyfriend for Valentine's Day, suggest a romantic glass of Ovaltine at his grandparent's house (citing, of course, the aphrodisiac capabilities of the mixture of a healthy glass of a chocolate-flavored drink and the faint smell of geriatrics in the next room).
If your buddy doesn't seem to subscribe to your view of a romantic evening, not to fear. Sing the graces of plastic flowers as a gift, (or better yet, funeral wreaths!) explaining that such a token is a metaphor for undying love.
Ladies, sway your women friends away from sexy lingerie. Tell them that Cosmo just named "Cities of the United States" souvenir T-shirts the Real turn-on for men. Further your point by saying that she should pair her shirt with a pair of aqua-blue lyca, running shorts and a Tonj home perm.
Our goal as B.I.T.E. members is to make our bitter selves relatively happier and better adjusted than the "average bear." We'll swipe away at their rose-tinted glasses and replace them with the "Amber Vision" of complete uncertainty. I love the power of the press! I think I just created a small political party from a passing fancy and vented a little frustration in the process. Happy Valentine's Day, B.I.T.E. members. I'll be collecting dues at the first meeting.
Matt Walsh is an Emporia junior majoring in creative writing.
If this were a mirror, she'd see fat.
And she'll turn down meal after meal to get rid of fat that isn't there.
Or clean out half the refrigerator, then make herself vomit.
Or become dangerously obsessed with exercise.
Eating disorders like anorexia or bulimia are psychological problems that can be physically dangerous - even deadly. The Eating Disorders Clinic located at Charter Lawrence is specifically designed to get at the underlying psychological problems, while teaching healthy new eating habits at the same time.
If you suspect any of the above signs of an eating disorder, call Charter Lawrence at 832-0111. Treatment is usually covered by insurance.
(913) 832-0111
1012 Massachusetts St.
Lawrence, Kansas 60044
An Equal Opportunity Employer