52
The University Courier.
LITERARY.
A METAMORPHOSIS.
Freshman fair
At foot of stair,
Smiling sweet
At Senior on street,
Senior gazed,
His foot raised,
Banana peel,
Sudden reel,
Senior fell,
Swore a spell,
Freshman fair
Got out o' there.
PONDEROUS PUNS.
DEAR SIR:
My husband directs me to write you a line,
Regarding this little affair.
He thinks it is needless to reasons assign
Why your presence we never can bear;
But we state to you firmly in this very letter,
That our daughter, with grace, so endowed,
Will never be. never, except with a better
Than you. sir, to marry allowed.
MRS. JONES VON HASKINS.
DEAR MADAM:
In reply to your letter my thoughts I align,
And I state that though you were a fair
Woman once, you have certainly given a sign
Of becoming a regular bear.
Your daughter is willing if you will but let her;
And so I will not be in doubt
That, even though Satan should be your abetter,
I'll wed her, and wed her aloud.
JOHN SMITH.
But when she discovered eight puns he had made.
Her spirit with terror was cowed.
And the darling young man and the bright blushing maid
Were married, both allowed and aloud.
—N.
SOME THINGS NOT DREAMED OF.
"I tell you, if a man did such things two hundred years ago as this man does today, his life would not be worth a straw! The people would put him to death as a sorcerer! They would, for a fact!" "Now, now, Weldon, what's the matter with you? You're always in a row about something," said Norton, a city councilman, who came up while Weldon was speaking. "Well, it's this man Beam that's just come to town. These fellows say he is a fake and I don't know what all besides; then why on earth don't they come up and expose him, if they know so much about him. Come on up tonight, Norton, and see how he does things The house is filled every night. He has no influence over me, but because he hasn't, I'm not the man to say he's an impostor."
Norton shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know anything about him; but I'm sure I don't see why one man should have so much control over so many other people. It's not reasonable!"
"Can't help it," said Weldon, crustily, "I'm not going to question the whys and wherefores of the case. It's the facts I'm after. But then, if you fellows are so conceited, and think you know it all, you couldn't believe a strange thing even if you saw it!" And off he marched in high disdain.
This discussion took place between six of the most prominent business men of Sandusky, and referred to the feats of a hypnotist who was lecturing in the opera house. They were standing in front of Drexter's drug store, one of the largest in the city.
“What sort of an individual is this Beam?” asked Norton. “I saw him yesterday, and talked with him a little,” replied Drexter. “He is a big, rough man, without any education whatever. They say he was working for the city, digging ditches, when he saw that famous Dr. Barnes hypnotize so successfully; he became aware then, for the first time, that he possessed the same power. I heard from a very reliable source that he got a divorce from one wife, married another, was arrested and thrown into prison on a charge of forgery, all within a week. He got off with a two year's sentence. That's the man who has such power over some people. I don't see how he works it, I must acknowledge.”
"Pooh! That's easy enough!" said Norton. "It's all arranged beforehand. He pays some fellow a nice little sum to get up there and make a fool of himself to amuse the audience."
"Well, suppose we go down tonight just for the fun of the thing," said Drexter. "Don't say anything to Welden. If he isn't there we'll tell him some tales worth the name tomorrow."
As Drexter finished speaking, a rather dudish young man was passing by.
"Holloa, Russell! How did things go last night?" called Norton, winking at the others.
"Oh, same as usual, I guess," responded Russell, who was evidently desirous of escaping their questions.
"What did he do with you?" pursued Drexter.
"What he won't do again!" said the victim looking very determined.
"I dare say not!" laughed Norton. "What did you swear yesterday?"
The young man returned no answer, as he was in great haste to meet an appointment—it was dinner time.
The evening arrived. Our six friends met at Drexter's store, went from there to the opera house, and secured seats at some distance from the stage. Beam, the hypnotist, looking every inch a rogue, came out and began his customary smart remarks.
Drexter called the attention of his friends to a man who stood behind a pillar, clasping it firmly in his arms, and peering around it at the speaker in a comically apprehensive way. It was young Russell.
After his opening address was concluded, Beam looked steadily for a few moments at Russell, whose position made him conspicuous. The young man began to shift about uneasily, twisting his arms and shuffling his feet. Beam beckoned to him, but never said a word. Russell left his post and started for the stage, walking faster and faster, until he reached the platform on a run.
The six friends looked on with a great deal of interest. It was a clear case of money-getting, Norton decided; for it was well known that Russell was in a continual state of bankruptcy. But when Norton beheld him stripped to the waist, fightin an imaginary pugilist, his conviction wavered, for he could not believe any respectable individual would do that for money. There the young man was, dealing blows thick and fast at his unseen adversary, now advancing, now retreating as though driven back by superior skill. Finally he was allowed to resume his clothing and retire to his place in the audience. It did not seem at all strange to anyone who had witnessed his exertions that he should appear to be as much exhausted as if he had fought with a real opponent.
After several similar exhibitions had been given, Beam, pointing to where Messrs. Drexton and Norton sat with their friends, in his coarse way, "I want yez to come up here. I want to say something that'll interest ye." Drexter was conscious of an unusual sensation such as he had never experienced before. He had a strong inclination to do as he was told, and his will offered but a feeble resistance. This, feeble as it was, melted away, and left him under the complete control of the hypnotist. His friends were similarly affected and the six were soon upon the stage.
"Well, gentlemen," said Beam, "it's a lovely day to swim. Yez never wanted to go worse in yer lives than yez do this very minute, and I think yez had better go. Coats off!" Six coats were thrown down in a hurry. "Vests!" Off go the vests. "Shirts next!" These are likewise cast aside. "It's the fashion nowadays to swim in pants, so yez can leave 'em on. There's the water!" pointing to the opposite side of the stage. "Now for it! One, two, three, go!" Away they went, pushing and scrambling over one another to get to the water. "In with yez!" Every man threw himself flat upon the floor and began to swim for dear life. What marvellous strokes they made!"
Weldon sat back in the audience, wiping the perspiration from his forehead. At heart he was a thoroughly good-natured man; he groaned aloud at the spectacle his friends presented, and became deeply incensed at the uproarous mirth of the audience.
While six of the wealthiest and most dignified citizens of Sandusky were thus making themselves perfectly ridiculous, the hypnotist removed the spell. They arose, and their feelings may be better imagined than described. Beam took his cane and twirled it round and round in derision, saying only the one word—"See?"
F. A.H.