12
KANSAS UNIVERSITY WEEKLY.
The Ballad of the Culture Club.
Some girls there were, and they formed a club (Even as you have done),
Their minds they said were in need of a rub
The polish of friction, or even a scrub—
For thoughts should be pointed, whereas theirs were stub-
The affair was a serious one.
Now one there was who was sure she knew (As one is sure to know) Just what these girls had need to do To polish their minds and manners, too Until they would dazzle the casual view Like sunshine on the snow.
She lectured herself and she brought in her friends,
(A generous thing to do)
And each one presented new methods and ends
For polishing manners and making amends
For brain fag, no matter how far it extends,
E'en though it be plain to view.
One said the best way to shine as a wit (And we all desire to do that)
Was to take the cerebrum and free it from grit,
Then rub with a dry flannel cloth, and a bit
Of ivory polish, until it was fit
To shine like a new beaver hat.
But another one vowed that a dry cloth was bad (Perhaps her assertion was right)
For dryness and wit are especially sad
When brought in conjunction. This second one's fad
Was absorbing ideas with a brown paper pad,
And wearing the pad over night.
"But briefness," said one, "is the soul of true wit. (What could be plainer than this?) If youd fain have your mind with intelligence lit You must make it a p'int to begin now to quit Having any ideas—that would sure make a hit For naught is pure briefness, I wis"
Ann others there were with some Gilead's balm (For all intellectual ills)
There was one who averred that to carry the palm
Each member must learn the 406th psalm
Say it backward and forward with infinite calm
And then have a fit of of cold chills.
The suggestions for manners were many and wise (Suggestions are always at par) They included a species of cheerful advice As, "Don't cry at a party when losing a prize," "Don't talk with your voice." "Don't look with your eyes," "Don't expect things to be as they are!"
"When greeting a lady don't call her, 'Dear sir.'" (A point few would think of, of course.)
"When dancing to music be sure not to stir."
"In summer 'tis well to wear feathers, not fur."
"If you would be popular, do not incur Any reason for deep dyed remorse."
And some tried the dry rub and some tried the soap.
(They worked with a royal good will )
While others were happy, indulging the hope
That the brown paper pad with its generous scope
Would make them no longer need blindly to grope
In: the twilight of stupidness still.
The moral of this I need hardly explain
(For you can espy the grave fault)
But just let me say that if you'd avoid pain,
When You Want
Stationary, Pictures, or Picture Frames, call on G. C. WOLF. We have Fountain Pens from $1 to $4.
G. C. WOLF
And persuade the good talkers to lecture again. Just keep in your mind this suggestive refrain "Take it all with a few grains of salt!" ADELIA ALICE HUMPHREY.
SPOONER HALL.
A LAMENT.
Grandmother said when she was young And went to district school, Precision and propriety And prudence was the rule. The girls were modest little things, Their teachers' constant joy, They always learned their lesson well, Ne'e r flirting with a boy. Alas! a deep, insidious change With modern time advances, Shy, shrinking maidenhood has fled This garden spot of Kansas. The college maiden of K. U. Has grown to be a mooner, She hovers near—O Grandma's shade! Nay, rushes to a Spooner.
917 Mass. Street
H. E. R.
Phonetic Spelling.
If you and I and ewe and eye
And yew and aye (dear me)
Were all to be spelled u and i,
How mixed up we should be
-Harvard Lampoon.
"Della studied medicine, you know,and I've taken a cooking school course"
"Well?"
"We're going to start a magazine called,
'What to Eat and How to Get Over it.'"
What is wetter than a young lady with a waterfall in her waving locks, a gurgle in her laugh, dewy lips, snowy shoulders, liquid depths in one eye and a cataract in the other, a creek in her back, spring heels to her shoes, several currents in her tea cake, and a fine flow of language, with a sprinkling of slang, and a torrent of vituperation? New Century Journal.
WM. WIEDEMANN.
Ice Cream Parlor, and Manufacturer of
Fine Confectionery.
835 Mass. St. :-- Lawrence, Kan.
MEAT = MARKET.
Telephone 14.
937 Mass. St.
LAWRENCE, KANS.
Chas. L. Hess,
HOME STORE.
1105 MASS. ST, Lawrence, Kas.
Sempra Giocine, Kansas Toilet Cream California Cream of Lemon; also Racine Stocking Feet, Acme Dress Shields, Peacock Feathers, Fine Toilet Soaps, Groceries, etc. Orders also taken for Crochet Shawls, Fascinators, Hoods.
MRS A. J. PRENTISS.
Wm. M. Rowe,
Diamonds, Watches, Jewelry.
835 MASS. ST.
R. B. WAGSTAFF Fancy Groceries.
847 Mass. St. Telephone 25.
E. I. Thomas
FOR
Fruits, Nuts and Candy.
1913 Massachusetts Street. Telephone 392