2017年
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University Daily Kansan
Friday, Oct. 7, 1955.
LITTLE MAN ON CAMPUS by Dick Bibler
The Year-2084 Kanzaz Wins!
(If you think football is out of the hands of the students now, you haven't heard anything yet. Following is the tale of a game in 2084, the 100th anniversary of 1984. You can read the outcome yourself.)
The home team was trailing, 7-6. Sub, coach-quarterback for the Kanscats was worried. His thought projections which spurred the home crowd to piercing screams were being blocked by his opponent's.
As the eight robots lined up in front of him he concentrated mightily to overcome the thought-barrier of Nebska, the genius from the North Sector who all but had the game in his pocket. "Only time for three more plays," thought Sub. "If my thought projections aren't strong enough to activate the crowd-reaction device, again Nebska will thwart my efforts to make a first down."
In the day of thought-projection football, only one man was needed on the field. This was usually the coach—the robots were just for effect, a carry-over from the decadent days when men were men, and women were glad. Now, the schools pooled all their money to buy a coach—his IQ was important, as this was the day of the battle of mental giants.
'COME ON NOW-WHICH ONE OF YOU GUYS HAVE OUR 'CLASSIC COMICS?'~WE GOTTA STUDY FOR A LIT TEST TOMORROW.
The two opposing quarterbacks would advance the ball by literally outthinking the opponent. If one quarterback's thought projections were stronger or more elusive than his opponent's, they would activate the crowd-reaction device which would pour current into the metal seats on which sat the spectators supporting that team. The resulting cheers would be plotted for intensity and duration by IBM machines—the total being the sole factor in determining the winner of the contest.
The Kanseats were in second place in conference play. Kanzaz the perennial league champion, was again leading the pack. For 42 years, Kanzaz has reigned supreme in the Magnasept. This was due largely to the college having had the good fortune to have as its coach-quarterback a refugee named Fogg from the East Sector school of Massstech who had been a mathematical specialist for the United Nations Interstellar committee.
But, after capping the Magnasept conference for years, Fogg was getting old and his thought-projections, which had been so potent in past seasons, were becoming weak and ponderous.
"This is the year," Sub thought as he planned his last play. "If we can just beat Nebska, then next week we'll play Kanzaz. I'm sure I can win against old Fogg. Especially with my new super-dooper brainwashing technique that one of the new government professors passed on to me."
The reaction was supreme—no cheers ever had been heard like those before in Memorial stadium. And none would ever be heard again. The home crowd was exterminated by this mighty effort. Sub had no team to field against Fogg, and Fogg went on to take his 34th championship.
The last play of the game was a huge success for the Kanscats. Sub eluded his opponent's mental blocks so effectively that the crowd-reaction device poured 220 volts at 30 amps into the home crowd.
Moral—If you don't use your head at a ball game, you'll get it in the end.
K-State Collegian
We're wondering if all the money the University is taking in for increased parking fines is financing all the cans of yellow paint being used for the "no parking" signs.
Christian Dior initialed the "H" look for fashion firsts. When it was rejected by United States women, he turned to the "A" line. His newest creations are following what he refers to as the "Y" shape. We agree his designs aren't much more alluring than the word their alphabet trademarks spell.
The voice of America is sending play-by-play accounts of the World Series to Japan. Wonder what a Japanese translation of a Brooklyn accent sounds like?
The lawyers must be starting off the semester with a real study bug. We haven't heard a peep out of them this year.
... Letters
Editor:
A horrible vision, but yet a man an 87-pound wretch of scraggly beard and listless gaze, stopped me in Fowler's Grove this morning. Introducing himself as a Mr. Wispy, he was unable to express himself very well, and after mumbling something about his hay fever and corn,' he rasped at me in scarcely intelligible tones;
"It's no use. Everybody gets what's coming to him. I thought I'd have my pay, but Deus ex machina and T.S. as they say in Southern Russia and . . .
"Are you trying to say that every-body gets what he deserves?" I asked.
"Yes?" he hissed. "But I got too grabby; thought I could start eating again by the 5th or 6th of the month."
"Do you think, then, that editorial writers who know not what they say should be vulnerable to criticism?" He nodded weakly.
"And directors of courses which inspire antagonism and organized cramming?"
"Even the most enlightened creatures are vulnerable," he wheezed.
"And coke machine kickers?"
"Yaahhhh!" he screamed as a sudden gust of wind snatched him away and bounced him tumble-weed-like down the hill to the south, snaring him in a Sunnyside jungle gym.
Will someone down there please take him off and notify next of kin?
1. Being an assistant instructor at a well-known state university, he had set out two days before for the capital, in quest of his September check He had heard that the payroll would be a few days, or perhaps a week, or maybe ten days or so late. Undernourished at the time, colleague Wispy couldn't make the hike. He collapsed after 5/8 of a mile with burning feet and throbbing heart, helplessly inhaling the roadside pollen, hence the hay fever and corn.
Peter Earle Harrison, N.Y., graduate student
2. The present writer has edited at own discretion this and other statements of Mr. Wispy's.
Half-cousin Lone Star transferred here rather suddenly two years ago from South Central Grasslands State Teachers College.
The campus policeman on the intimate little quadrangles down there was making his rounds one night, testing the gas lines for leaks. He came across Half-cousin Lone Star painting a stylish pink sport shirt over the weskit and wing-collar of Jimmy Grey, a
Editor:
lamous pioneer and chiropodist and first president of the college.
The next morning Half-cousin Lone Star was announced in chapel as a vandal (which he was) and a dope (he didn't even wait till the gas lights were turned off). A full account—was published in the campus and town newspapers. He was arrested and heavily fined. He was forthwith bounced out of the college.
Here at KU, I notice, night or day, he gives statues, fountains and other public monuments a wide berth, though it means some extra walking for him. Other idiots should follow his present footsteps.
Half-cousin Lone Star, be it understood, is only a half-cousin of mine.
Archibald Dome
NATIONAL SAFETY COUNCIL
Daily Hansan
University of Kansas Student Newspaper News Room, KU 251  Ad Room, KU 376 Member of the Inland Daily Press association, Associated Collegiate Press association, Advertising University vertising service, 420 Madison Ave. N.Y. Mail subscription rates: $3 a semester or $4.50 a year (add $1 a semester if in Lawrence). Publisher: Lawrence University university year except Saturdays and Sundays, University holidays and examination periods. Entered as second class student. Entered as Lawrence Kan., post office under act of law 816-899.
NEWS DEPARTMENT
John Herrington ___ Managing Editor
Madelyn Brite, Greten, Gulenni. Irene C.
Six, Lee Ann Urban, Assistant Managing
Editors; Louis L. Hill, Heil City Editor;
K Walt, Michael Eisenberg, K Walt,
Telegraph Editor; Marion McCoy, Schooler Editor; Jane Pe创nvsky, Assistin Society Editor; John McIntyre, Assistant Society Editor; Siam L. Jones,
Assistant Sports Editor.
EDITORIAL DEPARTMENT
Ron Condon Editorial Editor
Ted Rom Hearing Assistant Editor
Business Manager Paul Bunge Business Manager Robert Wolfe. Advertising Manager; Charles Slesh. National Advertising Manager, Jack Fisher, Circulation Manager.
Fulbright Grants To Professionals
Most of the persons who receive grants to study abroad under the State Department's Fulbright exchange program are serious scholars from the universities. But the Institute for International Education, the organization designated by the State Department to screen student applications, hopes that some of the 1,000 scholarships available this year can go to nonacademic people.
A recent communication from the Institute said: "The opinion has been expressed that a great deal of good could result from sending abroad young businessmen, journalists, bankers, lawyers, teachers and others from the small towns and cities of the midwest." We agree.
Fulbright grants are for one year's residence and study abroad. Fulbright scholars must be American citizens, have a college degree, be in good health, and have a working knowledge of the language of the country where they study. They should be under 35 years old.
Applicants are expected to have a research project and an institution in mind when they apply. Competition for this year's grants closes Oct. 31. Those interested should write the Institute at 116 South Michigan Ave., Chicago, 3, Ill.
The personal rewards to Fulbright scholars could be considerable. The objectives of the Fulbright program — "to promote better understanding of the United States abroad, and to increase mutual understanding between the people of the United States and the people of other countries" are laudable. Des Moines Register
Phony Aroma Hovers Over Magazine Sales
Is it a racket?—a good looking girl, a glib tongue and after she is through talking you have shelled out a few bucks for a subscription to a magazine that maybe you will never see.
But maybe you are suspicious. They have a license. By now you are completely charmed. Across the street the girl's partner is working on a classmate.
The return of the masses to the Hill has brought along a high percentage of suckers, and on the edges stand the vultures. Sometimes the vultures have pretty feathers.
Maybe it is legitimate, but we recall a sailor still wet behind the ears who one day left his ship to enjoy a little liberty. Outside the gate he ran into a bevy of such females. Sure that he was stopped only because of his good looks, he was cajoled out of half his liberty money. In return he was given a very impressive but worthless receipt. The magazine never arrived. The sailor had his pride. No one likes to admit he is a sucker, especially when a member of the opposite sex has pulled the string.
Appearing again—as they have in the past—on the fringes of our campus, never quite on state property, are girls pretty of face and figure with pleasant voices. They block your path down the hill with the full force of their charm. They mention a nationally known magazine, and how" . . . we are conducting a survey." Somewhere in this survey an order blank appears, your billfold and . . .
Now the question; Are members of our campus being so victimized? Who issued the licenses? Why, if the survey is legitimate, don't they work directly on campus? Representatives of the magazines of which they profess to have the backing would surely be welcome.
Dee Richards
Soviet agricultural authorities have agreed to buy nominal amounts of American hybrid seed corn for experimental planting. Maybe this has some connection with the Russians who are smiling from ear to ear.
The traffic flow to the Truman Library in Independence will be facilitated by a $375,000 road. Keep carbons of all your letters and the state will pave a road to your library.
A combination bathroom and air raid shelter can be had for about $500, it is reported. Well at least you'd have plenty of reading matter while waiting for the all clear.
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