Page 3
Tuesday, November 30, 1954 University Daily Kansan
—Kansan photo by Colleen Fitzgerald
GROWING BIGGER—Workmen continue the inside construction of the fieldhouse, coming nearer and
150 Expected to Attend Alcoholism Conference
About 150 persons are expected to attend the Kansas conference on alcoholism in the Union tomorrow and Thursday.
The Kansas State Commission on $ ^{ \textcircled{4}} $
Alcoholism and 11 cooperating agencies are presenting the program to provide information on the causes, symptoms, and treatment of alcoholism and to pinpoint the facts on the problem of alcoholism in Kansas.
Featured speakers will be Dr. Selden D. Bacon, director of the Yale university Center of Alcohol studies and chairman of the Connecticut Commission on Alcoholism, and Mrs. Marty Mann, executive director of the National Committee on Alcoholism.
Gov. Edward F. Arn and Dr. Karl E. Volding, chairman of the Kansas State Commission on Alcoholism will welcome the group.
Other speakers will be Dr. W. D. Bryant, executive director of Community Studies, Inc., of Kansas City, Mo.; Lewis W. Andrews, executive director of the Kansas State Commission on Alcoholism, of Topeka; Dr. Frank T. Stockton, director of special projects, University extension, and Miss Esther Twente, chairman of the graduate department of social work.
The conference will open at 1:30 p.m. tomorrow with Dr. Bacon speaking on "Alcoholism, the Nature of the Problem." Dr. Bryant will report on "Alcoholism in Kansas," on which Community Studies, Inc., assisted the Kansas commission in making a state-wide survey. Mr. Andrews will report on progress and plans of the state commission, and Mrs. Marty will
give the evening address on "Alcoholism. A Public Concern."
A "Mr. Phil M." will explain the program of Alcoholics Anonymous at 9 a.m. to open the Thursday schedule.
Group discussions will be held at 10 a.m. on medical and hospital treatment of alcoholics, alcoholism and industry, alcoholism and law enforcement, alcoholism and the church, alcoholism and the family, school and community education on alcoholism, and alcoholism and the courts.
Dr. Bacon will speak at the closing luncheon on "Community Action on the Problem of Alcoholism." Prof. Twente will summarize the conference.
The cooperating agencies are the Catholic Diocese of Kansas, the Kansas Bar association, the Kansas Council of Churches, the Kansas County Welfare Directors association, the Kansas Hospital association, the Kansas Medical society, the Kansas Peace Officers association, the Kansas State Board of Health, the Kansas State Department of Public Instruction, Kansas State college, and the University.
The largest single carrier of crude petroleum in North America is Texas. According to the 1954 Encyclopedia Americana Annual, its current capacity is 301,000 barrels per day. The pipeline extends from Port Arthur to within 12 miles of Colorado City.
Poetry Hour Set For Thursdays
"The Poetry Hour," a program of readings of the works of English and American poets, has been scheduled for 4 p.m. every Thursday in the music room of the Student Union to continue throughout the rest of the school year.
Geoffrey Moore, visiting Rose Morgan professor, will be the reader at the first meeting of Dylan Thomas and selections from the works of Dylan Thomas.
Coffee will be served at 4:45 p.m. after each meeting and will provide an opportunity for questions and discussion.
Wilfred Owen, T. S. Eliot, Carl Sandburg, and W. H. Auden are just a few of the poets whose works are on the schedule of readings. Readers for "The Poetry Hour" will be professors and instructors.
The English department is sponsoring the program, and John E. Hankins, professor of English, is in charge of program arrangements. Katherine Carr, activities adviser, and the student committee of the Student Union will be in charge of social arrangements.
The ostrich, though unable to fly, is by no means helpless against its enemies. Its 12 foot stride carries it along at a good forty miles an hour. This giant bird can sense danger from afar as it is over seven feet tall and has keen vision.
There are no birds in the redwood trees of California. The trees secrete poisonous substances which are deadly to the insects upon which the birds would normally feed.
SUEDE & LEATHER CLEANED and REFINISHED
JACKETS
- Linings replaced
- Alterations and Repairs
- Zippers replaced
LANO LUSTRE CLEANING
1111 Mass. ACME Bachelor Laundry & Dry Cleaners Ph.646
-- COATS -- GLOVES
KDGU Schedule|KANU Schedule
6:30 Daily Kansan Headlines
6:35 Blue Barron
6:45 Oh! So Good
7:00 Bookstore Hour
8:00 University Theater Concert
8:30 Cross Roads
8:45 News, weather
9:00 Career Hour
9:30 Top Seven Show
In 1948 Oslo, Norway's capital, underwent one of the largest city expansions on record. On New Year's Day it bulged out to 26 times its former size by annexing 175 square miles.
5:30 Jazz Concert
5:45 Cameron Reports Sports
5:55 News
6:00 Candlelight Concert
7:00 Symphony Hall
7:30 Jazz Story
7:55 News
8:00 FM Concert
9:00 A Little Night Music
9:55 News
10:00 A Little Night Music
Who Will Be MISS SANTA?
On Campus with Max Shulman
(Author of "Barefoot Boy With Cheek," etc.)
DECEMBER AND MAY: ACT I
Of all the creatures that inhabit the earth, none is so fair, so warm,
so toothsome, as a coed.
Professors, according to latest scientific advice, are human. Stick them and they bleed, pinch them and they hurt, ring a dinner bell and they salivate, confront them with a round young coed and their cars go back, even as yours and mine.
This is a simple fact, well-known to every campus male, and, to most campus males, a source of rejoicing. But not to all. To some, the creamy brows and twinkling limbs of coeds are a bane and a burden. To whom? To professors, that's whom.
But, by and large, they contain themselves. After all, they are men of high principle and decorum, and besides, the board of regents has got stoolies all over. So, by and large, they contain themselves.
has got stoiles on all over. So, by and by, Mr. Glover but not always. Every now and then a cedar will come along who is just too gorgeous to resist, and a professor — his clutch worn out from years of struggle — will slip and fall. White though his hair, multitudinous though his degrees, Phi Beta Kappa though his key, he is as lovesick, moonstruck, and impaled as any freshman.
But he's far worse off than any freshman. After all, a freshman can thump his leg, put on his linen duster, and take out after the coed with mad abandon. But what can the poor smitten prof do? How, in his position, can he go courting a young girl undergraduate?
In this column and the next one, I am going to deal with this difficult question. I will relate to you, in the form of a two act play, an account of a professor's attempt to woo a coed.
TWONKEY: Now, now, that's not so terrible.
The scene is a typical office in a typical liberal arts building on a typical campus. In this shabby setting, we find two men, Professors Twonkey and Phipps. They are lumpy and bent, in the manner of English lit professors.
PHIPPS: Twonkey, a terrible thing has happened to me. A terrible, ghastly thing! I've fallen in love with a coed.
TWONKEY: Come now, Phipps, no need to carry on you. You're not the first teacher to cast warm eyes at a coated, you know.
PHIPPS: Oh, but it is. Miss McFetridge—for that is her name—is a student, a girl of nineteen. How would her parents feel if they knew I was gawking at her and refusing my food and writing her name on frogty windowpanes with my fingernail?
PHIPPS: You mean it's happened to you too?
THINGS. You must be in this
Twonkey: But of course. Many times.
PHIPPS: What did you do about it?
TWONKEY: Looked at their knees. It never fails, Phipps. No matter how pretty a girl is, her knees are bound to be knobbby and bony and the least romantic of objects.
PHIPPS: Not Miss McFetridge's—for that is her name. They are soft and round and dimpled. Also pink.
TWONKEY: Really? Well, I'll tell you something, Phipps. If I ever found a girl with pink knees, I'd marry her.
PHIPPS: It is my fondest wish, but how can I, a professor of fifty,
start a courtship with a girl of 19?
TWONKEY: Very simple. Ask her to come to your office for a conference late tomorrow afternoon. When she arrives, be urbane, be charming. Ask her to sit down. Give her a cigarette.
PHIPPS: A Philip Morris.
TWONKEY; But of course.
PHIPPS: I just wanted to be sure you mentioned the name. They're paying for this column.
TWONKEY: Give her a Philip Morris.
PHIPPS: That's right.
TWONKEY: Then light her Philip Morris and light one yourself. Say some frightfully witty things about English lit. Be gay. Be insouciant. Keep her laughing for an hour or so. Then look at your watch. Cry out in surprise that you had no idea it was this late. Insist on driving her home.
PHIPPS: Yes, yes?
TWONKEY: On the way home, drive past that movie house that shows French films. Stop your car, as though on a sudden impulse. Tell her that you've heard the movie was delightfully Gallic and naughty. Ask her if she'd like to see it.
PHIPPS; Yes, yes?
TWONKEY: After the movie, say to her in a jocular, offhand way that after such a fine French movie, the only logical thing would be a fine French dinner. Take her to a funny little place you know, with candies and checked tablecloths. Ply her with burgundy and Philip Morris. Be witty. Be gay. Be Gallic . . . How can a nineteen year old girl resist such blandishments?
PHIPPS: Twonkey, you're a genius! This will be like shooting fish in a barrel... But I wonder if it isn't taking unfair advantage of the poor little innocent.
TWONKEY: Nonsense, Phipps. All's fair in love and war.
TWONKEY: Nonsense. Fmpps. Ain't in it.
BUMPS: Your, right, by George. I will do it.
right by I. The
(So ends Act I. Next week, Act II)
(So ends Act I. Next week,Act II) @Max Shulman,1954
This column is brought to you by the makers of PHILIP MORRIS who think you would enjoy their cigarette.