UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN
UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN
The official student paper of the University of Kansas.
EDITORIAL STAFF
OSMAR HILEE
Editor-in-Chief
JAMES HUGHTON
Associate Editor
BUSINESS STAFF
JAMES LEIDICH ... Adv. Mgr.
JOHN C. MADLEN ... Circulation Mgr.
KANSAN BOARD
EDWARD HOFMAN LANDON LAIRD
FRANK HENDERSON LE兰LD THOMPSON
LUCY BARGER JOHN GLEISNER
H. B. HUTCHINGS Leslie E. EDMONDS
Entered as second-class mail matter September 17, 1910, at the postoffice at Lawrence, Kansas, under the act of March 3, 1879.
Published in the afternoon five times a week, by students of the University of Kansas, from the press of the department of journalism.
Subscription price $2.00 per year, in advance; one term, $1.00; time subscriptions, $2.50 per year; one term, $1.25.
Phone, Bell K. U. 25.
Address all communications to UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN, Lawrence.
WEDNESDAY, MAY 28, 1913
Editorial page today in charge of
JAMES ANDREW GREENLEEES
PRELUDE
We take our Editorial pen in hand to apologize for this page of the Daily Kansan as it has appeared for the past week. We had hoped to remain undiscovered, but now that we are Editor for today we take this opportunity of ascending from the depths of ignominy and oblivion, in which we have long been plunged.
We are attempting to write an Editorial page as we think an Editorial page should be written. Many students complain that they are unable to grasp the full significance of the weighty articles which usually appear on page 2 of the Daily Kansan. Wherefore, we discuss, in a simple, everyday fashion, some of the problems that are confronting us today. We have not tried to let ourselves out. This is only a sample of what we can do when we are aroused.
Editor for Wednesday.
If you don't like the page, speak to the circulation manager. John will be glad to credit you with an extra issue next fall.
Nothing will be said that can possibly offend the most refined taste. We cater especially to the ladies, but there is something here for every member of the family. Dive in.
Note-All kicks for this page will be received by the circulation manager in the rear.
We are dispensing with the "Sad, Sad Grind" column today. The Umpty Umps, in looking over our copy, remarked that it was pretty sad, so we will not add further to the reader's gloom.
UNREQUITED LOVE
How metancholy is unrequited love! Sad it is, indeed, to contemplate the young man, as he wearily drags his way to his humble lodging, the knell of his blightened hopes yet ringing in his ears. Behold him with pity, the wretched victim of Cupid's indiscriminating attack! How his hand shakes, as he sinks into his mean chair, and essays to wipe the cold, gummy perspiration from his pallid brow! How his eyes shine, as his feverish gaze turns upon the likeness of his Soul's Desire, leaning pensively against a volume of Ball-room Etiquette on his study table. Perchance a dim idea of self destruction even enters his tortured mind.
Ah, bitterly he sighs! With dumb choking agony he wonders if any ray of happiness will ever again come to lighten the desolate dreaminess of his life. Dies fixes her
Oh. Bedelia, Bedelia! What destruction hast thou wrought? Could't stuh but behold thy victim now, as he writhes in mortal anguish before thy shrine! Oh, perverse and cruel fate! What is sadder than a young man, thus struck down and blighted before his time! Refused, perverted, crushed, cast aside—all in the twinkling of an eye.
Ah, sweet, sweet is the companionship of our loved ones! But how changeable are a maiden's affections. Here today, there tomorrow, flitting hither and thither like gentle wasps, leaving misery and destruction in their wake.
Yet sweet it is to contemplate,
from the wreck of a life that shattered,
how the healing finger of time soothes and softens all wounds.
The balmy sun of another May will yet shine upon the oppressed and restless soul of this youth. That hope which springs eternal will yet create a new and buoyant heart. The bright, verdure-clothed earth of tomorrow will yet transpose the cold, dreary world of today, and the welling tear and trumulous sigh will softly fade into the dim vistas of the past.
We have been doing so well lately in one of our studies that our teacher recently intimated that we must be using a pony. That's a horse on us, all right.
Notice that the word Editor is capitalized when ever it occurs on this page. This has no special significance, as owing to the ravages of the type lice the supply of ease in this office has been greatly depleted lately.
THE ONLY SOLUTION
THE ONLY SOLUTION
One so-called Editor of this sheet recently printed an Editorial favoring the removal of the Kansas-Missouri game back to Kansas City. Another Editor of the same shallow type recommended that it stay where it is. Blious thoughts of billious men. Editors of this eke should be prohibited from attempting to mould the public opinion thus. They are miserable shysters, and will be shysters as long as they boldly air these asinine views.
Then there is the financial side. Only last fall we lost ten dollars on a football game. Thus is gambling and betting encouraged. Next to the demon rum, nothing destroys a man's character so much as gambling. Yet, in the face of all this contrary evidence, these rabid and hair-brained trifers are attempting to discuss the future location of the game.
There is only one solution to the problem. Do away with the sport entirely. Nothing is more debasing, abetting, and harmful than a football game. Nothing destroys the physical, mental, and moral powers of a young man quicker than a football game. While we were yet a small, immature youth, we had a finger bent in a scrimmage. This finger is still bent, and is a serious handicap to us. What better proof could be asked for the abolition of this rough sport? Maimed for life, as it were, merely because we permitted half a dozen roughs to hurl themselves into us. If we had been home sawing wood or milking the cow, this could never have happened.
Now is the time for a great Abolitionist party to arise, and stamp out this evil, which has already gnawed so deeply into the vitals of University life.
NEW FRIENDS IN VERSE
THE SONG THE OLD MAN SUNG
The Daily Kansan will publish in this space favorite veres of its readers. Contributions welcome—The Editor.
An old man hobbled down the street,
Grey hair about him hung.
He paused before a barber shop
And this here song he sung.
"A pair of twins they showed us, Full healthy, plump, and round
Evidently the members of the state tax commission were all "barbs."
"Oh, my wife and I were childless,
So we went to the orphan home
For to pick up a couple of infants
That we could call our own .
My wife examined them carefully, Nor spot nor blemish found.
'But my good wife would not take them.
Though of offspring we had lack
While the infants filled the require-
ments
A HORRIBLE FATE AVERTED Dr.Jas. Naismith
ODE TO A CHIGGER
They kicked and chortled with de light
"The rescals they were cheerful They laughed in childish glee
ADVENTURES OF THE MUNCHAUSEN CLUB
A goodly sight to see.
That we could call our own .
When we were a small boy, we once asked our grandfather, on our mother's side, why Editors were generally bald. "My grandson," said the old gentleman, laying his hand affectionately on our shoulder, for he was very fond of us, "it is because they don't use their brains enough."
The color of them was black."
—Greenlees.
It is a curious fact that since preparing this page our hair has grown two inches.
William Spivens.
--of-a-gun,
Dickery, dickery dock.
This is positively the last appearance of Miss Oracle and Mr. Munchausen. They have been called to greener (?) pastures.
There is a malicious report being circulated that we have lost our religion. Well, we never had very much. When we were very young, our mother took us home from church one day and spanked us because we cried during service. We have never forgotten the impression made upon us at that time, and still maintain an invincible repugnance for all religious institutions.
Gentlemen, I wish to speak a few words recommending Staan's Limiment, good for man or beast. A few years ago I was a horrible sight. I could neither see, hear, walk, nor move my arms. I was in bad shape, and had given up all hope. A friend urged me to try Stean's Limiment, so I finally consented. I used one bottle on my eyes, and I saw wood. Blind for ten years, gentleman, and saw wood! Two bottles on my arms enabled me to strike a friend for ten dollars. Hadn't moved a finger for six years, gentleman, and saw wood! Two bottles on my leg
DIE TO A CHIGGER
Intoxicated by the presence of Spring, and filled with the spirit of youth and emulation, we beg to submit the following poem:
Spring is here,
The bugs appear,
Oh, dear,
Oh, dear.
THE OREAD ORACLE
Dear Oracle, if your heart is as loving and sympathetic as they say it is you will pity me. Oh, how can I confess it! I am a victim of the tobacco habit. I smoke ten cigars a day, and even chew during class. Oh, it is awful, and I am so wretched. I am only 18 years old. Where will it all end? It is becoming a problem for me to get all the tobacco I want. How can I break myself of this expensive habit?
Oracle is glad you confessed to her, Panay. Nothing is more annoying than to have a secret like that rattling around in one's chest. There are several standard methods by which Oracle broke herself of this horrible habit. Try smoking a cigar before your father sometime. We did that, and it certainly brought results.
Oread Oracle:
Pansy.
Substitute firecrackers in the place of cigars. Try drinking a pint of wood alcohol. No one has ever been known to either smoke or chew after doing this. As a last resort, smoke an Owl or a Cremo. This will make you realize how low you have sunk.
But the best thing to do, Pansy,
is this: 'Collect all the cigars and
chewing tobacco you can find,
and bring them to the Daily Kansan of
Mahieu male that a special
up here for just such little things
as these.
MATER GOOSE
We were looking through our Mother Goose book the other day, and feel impelled at this time to throw the drawing poems, poor though they be?
Oracle.
HEARD AT 9:23
HEARD AT 923
Dickery, dickery, dock
Oh look at the Physics Clock,
Oh look at the Physics Clock.
It just struck one, well I'm a son of a-gun,
ALSO THIS
Eenie, meenie, miny mo,
What makes the Physics Clockwork
What makes the Physics Clockwork
Don't ask us, for WE don't know,
Eenie, meenie, miny mo.
Two Minute Interviews With Campus Celebrities
Q. —"Good morning, professor."
A—Wie geht's, knabe. Sprechen Sie Deutschland.
Q"—Ach, ja. 'Oh Tannenbaum,
Oh Tannenbaum, wie—'
A.—"Himmel! Genug. Was ist
zu thun?"
zu thun?"
Q="Wie heissen Sie, bitte?"
A—Fritzs Kellermann. Docktor,
von ihm Nicht ist besser
aus günst gut Pretzel.
q.-Lieben Sie das gut Bier,
auch, Professor?"
A—“Hoch der Kaiser! Ich denkse off an meine liebe Vaterland.”
Q—"Haben Sie irgend ein Kind?"
A—"Nein."
A.—Nicht nicht! Keine Kinder,
keine frau! Ich habe zwei und
zwanzig Jahre."
Q. —J-NINE! Donnerwetter! Wie
wieiele haben Sie?"
A. —"Himmel, nein. Ach, die Fraulne in Deutschland!"
Q—"Mann sagt dass Sie lieben ein jung Fraulein hier."
A. —Har, har! Aber, nein. Heurus mit den Frauen, sage Ich. Mehn Vater, er sagte dass Ich ware ein hell Knafe."
Q—"Sind Sie einer Suffragette, Herr?"
MATHEMATICS II
The math prot tears his ragged hair,
He curses wildly in despair;
Note—As we don't take math, we print this without fear.
He's left his answer book at home.
And now must show what's in his
book.
He's left, his answer book at home,
and now must - show what is in his
A news story tells us that the coeds buys their own education at Kansas. We rise to remark that the boys buy most of the e dification for these co-eds here.
“Get the Bank Habit,” is the way one bank here advertises. A habit that's easily broken, too, by the way.
Kentucky Kernal—You may be president some day, my boy.
Little Lad--Gee, you're not trying to work me for a postoffice job that far ahead, are you?
far ahead, are you?
—Chaparral.
Here's the Coupon
Summer Session Kansan FREE!
No Cash In Advance
Subscribe now at the $2.50 rate and read the Summer Session Kansan.
Signed
The University Daily Kansan.
Summer Address
Please put me down for a year's subscript to the University Daily Kansan and the Summer Session Kansan for which I agree to pay $2.50 before November 1, 1913.
I will notify you in September if I desire to have the address changed for the Daily.
In John D.'s Class
"Is he rich enough to keep an automobile and a yacht?"
mobile and a yacht?
He keeps richer than that.
He keeps a lawyer."
—Record-Herald.
'16 -Say, look at this bill from the Students' Pressing Establishment for $10.
13- They don't 'believe much in the freedom of the press, do they?
Send the Daily Kansan Home
Central College of
OSTEOPATHY
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HARRIET CRAWFORD, D. O., Secretary
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Kansas City, Mo
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11th YEAR OPENS SEPTEMBER 8th
THE FLOWER SHOP
825 1-2 Mass. St.
LEADING FLORISTS
Phones, 621
LAWRENCE TRANSFER CO. Phone 15. TRUNK HAULING.
ATTENTION OF STUDENTS
If you are looking for congenial and
positive occupation during summer,
write
The General Appliance Factory, Incorporated, Marinette, Wisconsin, for particulars.
Eat Your Meals at
Anderson's Old Stand
Typewriters, Fountain Pens, and Office Supplies
F. I. Carter
1025 Mass.
Bell Phone 1051
Palmer's Delightful Perfumes Always Fragrant and Charming McColloch's Drug Store
Complete line of Spring and Summer Suitings.
KOCH
Particular Cleaning and Pressing FOR PARTICULAR PEOPLE
Lawrence Pantatorium
12 W. Warren Both phones 506
Protch for Spring Suits