HUMOROUS.
—A box of sardines was recently found in the stomach of a bear killed in Michigan. The box was nearly digested, but the sardines were all right.
—He—"Believe me, dearest, when I say that I shall be the happiest of mortals if you will just consent to share my lot and—" She —"Just a moment, Mr. Breeze. Is it a corner lot?"
—“Pa, what is a marplot?” “It is one of those little games your mother and grandmother put up on your father, my son, when they are peculiarly anxious to go to a matinee. Now don't ask any more questions.” —N. Y. Sun.
—Lady (as a blood-curdling war whoop is heard from the kitchen) —“What is happening, Walters?” Maid —“That is Dinah. She always yells that way, mu'ma, when she succeeds in turning the omelette without letting it drop on the floor. She's the daughter of a Zulu chief.” —Time.
—Anxious wife—"John, you promised me last winter you would turn over a new leaf and join the church this year. When do you mean to do it?" Husband (in the midst of the wholesale fruit business) — "Great Scott, Maria! Don't you know better than to spring that promise on me in the middle of the apple-packing season?" —Chicago Tribune.
—Mrs. Winks—"You surely are not going out to night?" Mr. Winks—"Yes, my dear; election, you know." Mrs. Winks—"The election is over." Mr. Winks—"Um—er—yes, my dear, this one is; but there'll be another election in four years, my dear, and every good citizen must begin to think about candidates, you know, my love. I'll be back early."—Philadelphia Record.
"Allow me to congratulate you on your engagement. Tell me how it came about. I thought you intended remaining single." "Yes, certainly; but I met the other day at a ball a young and pretty girl, with whom I got into conversation, and, only think, she confessed that she, too, had decided to remain single. Impossible to imagine greater harmony of disposition—and so we got engaged."—German Paper.
—Young Doctor—"Yes, I expect that it will go pretty slow when I first open an office until I get started a little." Old Doctor—"Well, you bet it will. Why, when I first hung out my shingle I sat in my office for three months, and only had one case." Young Doctor—"Whew! That was pretty tough, wasn't it? Only one case; and what was that a case of?" Ole Doctor—"A case of instruments."
PERSONAL AND LITERARY.
—Some expert in paper has determined that books printed on pure rag paper will last for centuries, while those on paper of wood-pulp and rags will fall to pieces in two generations.
— Bronson Alcott leaves behind him in manuscript one of the most voluminous diaries of modern times. It has been faithfully kept for the greater portion of his life, and fills fifty-seven large bound volumes, the last one dated 1881. In addition to these there are also in manuscript six volumes of autobiographical collections and seven of letters.
—Jean Mangold, the poet of Alsace, who recently died at Colmar at the age of seventy-two years, was equally famous as a manufacturer of pates de foie gras and as a composer in the Colmarian dialect of verses, satires and comedies, which found their way into every hamlet. His vaudeville, "La Triple Noce dans la Vallee des Balais," with music by Weckeslin, counted its runs at Colmar and Strasburg by the hundred nights.
—Lord Beaconsfield described his wife as: "The severest of critics, but the best of wives." He had the greatest affection for her, though she was twenty years his senior; he was never seen in society without her and she traveled with him on all occasions, and he frequently said she was the "founder of his fortunes."
-William Black belongs to the small band of "athletic authors," a
title which Julian Hawthorne was wont to boast belonged only to himself. Although below medium height, he is built with remarkable compactness, is very litle and active, and is capable of great physical endurance. His short, black hair, thick mustache, dark hazel eyes, firm mouth and square forehead all suggest strength. He is only to be found when in the act of evolving a novel, otherwise he is roving about city and country studying "types," enjoying the sea from Brighton cliffs or on board a yacht flying to America for a little odd material, or to Egypt for a nearer peep at the heavenly bodies, and back again to London to spend a week with art and politics.
An Interesting Controversy.
Bobby- They were talking about you nast night, Mr. Featherly.
Mr. Featherly—Is that so, Bobby?
Bobby—Yes, about you being homely enough to stop a clock.
Mr. Featherly (anxiously)—Who said I was, Bobby?
Bobby—Mu.
Mr. Featherly (much relieved)—Oh, your ma! And what did your sister Clara say?
Bobby—She didn't think so.
Mr. Featherly—Bless her—h'm—er
-did she think I was handsome?
Bobby (hesitatingly) —Well—er—n—no; she said she didn't think you could stop a clock, but she thought you might make it lose time very fast.—Harper's Bazar.
Had Something to Learn Yet.
Young Physician (at a consultation)
—I have no hesitation in pronouncing the disease angina pectoris complicated with muscular atrophy.
Old Physician—You haven't hey? Young man, when you have been practicing forty years you will have learned how to hesitate, sir. It is important in a case of this kind, sir, to hesitate, and it is also more professional, sir.
Young Physician—May I ask you, sir, what your opinion is of the disease? Old Physician (impressively)—The disease, sir, is muscular atrophy, complicated with angina pectoris.
Young Physician (humbly) —Yes, sir,
—Chicago Tribune.
—There was great excitement in the Omaha depot the other day. A noise like the crying of a child was traced to a closed trunk, and when the bystanders put their cars closer they were sure that something was wrong. "My God," cried one; "give me a handspice or something. There is a child inside, and it will smother." No handspice was at hand, and people began to pull keys out of their pockets, and at last the lock clicked. The cover was raised and inside were discovered an old maltese cat and five new-born kittens.
Special sale of underwear this week at Abe Levy's.
Bargains in shirts, cuffs and collars at Bromchick's.
The best hats in the city can be bought at Abe Levy's.
For bargains in socks and underwear go to Abey Levy's.
Socks, handkerchiefs and underwear cheap at Bromeliack's.
Buy your collars and cuffs of Abe Levy.
Buy a new hat or a new tie at Bromeliack's before starting for Emporia
Bromclick, the student's hatter, is the best man in town to buy of.
Evening ties the latest styles and patterns at Abe Levy's.
Able Levy sells black socks that won't fade.
Every pair warranted.
NO WORK SLIGHTED. ALL WORK GUARANTEED FIRST-CLASS.
ANDY REED'S.
Go to ANDY HEED's opposite the Elldridge
HOUSE, 712 Mass. st., for a first-class
Hair Cut or Shave.
This is the oldest shop in the city of Lawrence.
Latest Styles and Finest Cloths in the City.
F. McCONNELL, Merchant Tailor.
CROSS & BARKER
SPECIAL RATES TO STUDENTS.
THE BOSS BARBERS.
They have the largest shop and the best workmen in the city.
SCHOOLS' TRADE SOLICITED.
814 Massachusetts Street
MRS. ORME & ENGLE.
Proprietors of the
Popular Milinery Establishment,
Dealers in all kinds of Millinery Goods. The latest fashions always in hand. Students patronage cordially solicited and carefully attended to.
H. WINNIE.
Grocer.
Cor. Lee and Massachusetts Sts.
Cor. Lee and Massachusetts Sts.
GENERAL MERCHANDISE.
Students' ::- Club ::- Trade Solicited,
Dentist,
Office over Field & Harp's Book Store,
Lawrence, Kansas.
Office hours from 8 to 12 m., and l to 5 p. m.
Teeth extracted without pain by the use
of Nitrous Oxide Gas.
OR BREAD
And Buns and Cookies and "such like things," R. J. SPIETZ, at 825 Mass. street, has what the students want. "Just like your mother at home makes."
F. H.KLOCK'S,
Restaurant and Confectionery,
oysters, Choice Candies, Cigurs, Tobacco
Regular Meals, 25c; Regular Board, $3; Meal Tickets $3.50.
820 MASSACHUSETTS STREET.
GEO. DAVIES,
The Students' Tailor,
921 Massachusetts street, over Straffon
& Zimmermann's Drug Store.
Carries an extra large line of Samples.
Students will find it to their advantage to call before going elsewhere
Livery and Hack Stables
FINE LIGHT LIVERY. HACKS MAKE
ALL TRAINS.
ARMEAN & HARBAUGH,
TELEPHONE 139. Opposite Lawrence House
NEW OYSTER PARLOR.
WIEDEMANN has opened a first-class
OYSTER PARLOR in connection with his Confectionery store, and will make a specialty of Oysters for the winter season.
RAY BROS
BOOTS and SHOES
at BOTTOM PRICES
at A. G. MENGER'S,
742 Massachusetts St
Have the freshest stock of ___
STAPLE : and : FANCY GROCERIES.
— 942 AND $ 942^{\frac{1}{2}} $ MASSACHUSETTS STREET.—
Special Rates Made to Students' Clubs. Patronage Kindly Solicited.
For a Practical and Thorough
SHORT-HAND
— AND —
TYPE-WRITING COURSE,
Attend
E. H. MAYHEW's Short-hand and Type-writing school, rooms Odd Fellows'Hall, Lawrence, Kansas.
903 Massachusetts Street,
Fancy and Staple Groceries,
N. H. GOSLINE,
LAWRENCE,
Proprietor of the
M. C. JOHNSON,
Eldridge House Livery Stable.
Finest Turn-outs in the city.
Special Rates to Students.
- KEEPS THE -
ALLEY
Popular Restaurant and Popular Lunch. Students boarding at Falley's can get meals at the University without extra charge.
DAY BOARD, $3.00, MEAL TICKETS, $3.50
W. HAYNE,
Practical Watchmaker and Engraver.
823 Mass. St.
Our friend Billy Bromelsck has engaged the services of the students' friends, Mr. Good Goods and Low Prices and is getting lots of University trade.
KANSAS.
MARVELOUS MEMORY DISCOVERY.
Four Books Learned in One Reading.
OUR Books Learned in One Read
A Year's Work Done in Ten Days.
Mind Wandering Cured.
Speaking Without Notes.
Wholly unlike artificial Systems.
Great inducence'to correspondence classes
Prospectus, with opinions of the Dr. William
E. Hicks and the Dr. Miner D. Mint-
Diseases Daniel Greenleaf Thompson, the great
Psychologist, J. M. Buckley, D. D., Editor of
the Christmas Decorate, Richard Proctor, the
Christmas Judge, Judd Gibson, Judah P. Bensamin, and others.
From the Chaplain of Exeter College, and Houghton y prince Prizeman. Oxford.
Dear Sir—In *Coll Exon Oxon, Sept. 1888*, the Dear Sir—In *Coll Exon Oxon, Sept. 1888* notice that my ordination examination would be held in a fortight. I had only ten (10) day classes and I recommended a year's preparation in the case of any one so utterly unprepared as I was; but your system had so strengthened my natural instincts to read and write, I gave the gist of any book after reading it once, I therefore read Lightfoot, Proctor, Harold
[Rev.] MIDDEN MISTERION MACDONALD, M. A.] To Prod. A LORETTE, 237 Fashion Ave., N.Y. §³³ This system is thoroughly taught by correspondence. Send for prospectus.
SPEAKING OF MEAT,
If you want Nice Clean Fresh Ment go to Chas. Hess 1029 Mass. St. He makes best prices and treats you fairly.
Da LEE'S PHOTOGRAPH GALLERY,
South Tennessee Street.
Finest Photo rooms in the city. Special
rates to students.