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The Last Gasp
Monday, June 2, 1958 Ode To Caps
THE SENIOR CLASS GIFT IS A NOBLE THOUGHT.
USEFUL AND LASTING OBJECTS OF ART.
HOW TO HELP FUDGE ON CLOSING HOURS.
Use the Alumni Assn. It's for your service!
Gimme that degree, I wanna go, go, go! Fed up with teachers, bleachers, class notes, campus votes, test tubes, classroom rubes, final exams, fine arts hams, text books, book nooks, and faculty schnooks.
Trouping Down Th' Hill
Wanna go to work, wife, mother or dog; gimme a paycheck, uniform, get me out of this smog. Through with learning. Wanna do, did, does, get it done. Wanna earn, not learn.
Enough 'o these ideas. Wanna put me down to some practice, pleezu.
Gotta get me out to meet 'em and greet 'em. And tell 'em and sell 'em. They don't care 'bout Pliny and Winnie. They want pounds and gallons and lumber feet. Know how to build and pave a street. Thought and told are through; bought and sold are new.
Thinkers are out; computers are in. Figure the wage with a new kind of gauge, forget the trends, intellectual bends. Run, don't walk, down the venerable Hill. Too many beanies, late-study pills.
Think? Becomes a sphinx. Egypt is done; drive is our fun. Books we'll condense and let 'em be, propped in a row above the TV. Why books when we got TV? And a degree.
Let them fix the plot, follow it through. Ugh, heap Injun, he's a schmoo. Operas of course, but soap not horse.
Culture? Well, sure, but not a big dose. Time's short; we've got to cut close.
Maybe at sixty, think and reflect. And decide on the ways that better all men. Service to men? Customers first.
India, China, spots on the sun. No import now; life has begun.
Does the other matter? Darn tootin' it does.
It matters as much as a good home and love.
Free choice is the arrow; the intellect the bow,
to be used as best and as right as we know.
Got to think chug-a-lug, think, chug-a-lug, think, chug-a-lug, to serve ourselves and the guy next door and the Guy up above.
—Chuck Zuegner '53
It's Not For The Birds
By WALLY STRAUCH & JOHN CASSON
Once upon a time, many long years ago (at least three), when the classmates of Alfred S. Neuman (the "S" naturally stands for Sigafoos) were entering freshmen at that beloved educational institution, Sasnak U., there was built at the end of Jayhawk Boulevard a beautiful, a bubbling, gurgling fountain.
To Cope With Birds
This fountain is no longer in the limelight because students are beginning to speculate on the reasons for the emergence of another beautiful, bubbling, gurgling fountain to be located in the courtyard of the new Dramatic and Fine Arts Building at Sasnak U. One of the most popular and widely acclaimed reasons among the students is that this
fountain is to be used to cope with the new, tremendous growth in the bird population dropped upon the University by the arrival of a rare species known as the Bronzitus Jav-hawkus, captured and contributed by the class of 1956.
reason is to deprive Western Sasnak of water in time of not only in time of
But now enters our hero, Alfred S. Neuman. You see, Alfred is not merely a student at Sasnak, but he is also the son of Franklin S. Neuman (the "S" naturally stands for Sigafoos), the Rector of Sasnak U. Alfred knows the real reason for the flurry of fountains and in a secret interview with the editors of the "Last Gasp" Alfred revealed the full story. The real reason for the beautiful, gurgling fountains at Sasnak U. is not to provide a centerpiece, not for aesthetic beauty, and not for the Birds!
Sasnak Needs Water
No! The real the farmers of sorely needed drouth (in fact
drouth, but in any old time). Deprived of this precious water, the farmers of Western Sasnak cannot grow crops. Without crops the farmers' financial resources will also be dry. Without money they cannot send their children to study agricultural engineering at Sasnak's biggest rival, Sasnak State. And without students—NO SASNAK STATE! And this, my friends, is the real goal of Franklin S. Neuman and the fountains at Sasnak U.
And thus, it has come to pass that Rector Franklin S. Neuman, insanely jealous of the rivalry put forth by Sasnak State, has concentrated all his efforts towards the erection of another beautiful, bubbling, gurgling fountain, which will double the water consumption at Sasnak U. and decrease still further the rivalry of decrepit, dismantled, dry, fountainless Sasnak State.
This, fellow classmates, is the real truth behind those beautiful, bubbling, gurgling fountains.
WE MIGHT HAVE THOUGHT OF THE INVESTMENT.
GIFTS BOTH LARGE AND SMALL ARE GIVEN.