Wednesday, November 15, 2000
The University Daily Kansan
Section B · Page 5
Sex on the Hill
Seniors Alec Miller, Des Moines, Iowa, and Amanda Smith, Crooks, S.D., take a look at bridalware. The couple has been engaged for 10 months and plans to remain abstinent until they exchange vows May 26, 2011. Photo by Joanna Fews/KANSAN
Couples say choice to abstain solidifies their relationships
Continued from page 1B
her go through a lot of the stuff," he said. "I had pretty much decided to be abstinent before that just because the Bible commands us to, but that really impacted me to watch this girl go through absolute hell because she made the wrong choice like that."
Keeping the commitment hasn't always been easy. Miller and Smith have faced a special challenge as they have decided to remain abstinent until their wedding in six months. But they have found ways to deal with the temptation.
"One of the things we really enjoy most is just to go somewhere like a coffee shop and just be able to talk. Those are some of the times when the relationship seems most fulfilling." Miller said. "That kind of reminder and those chances of talking remind us that it's really not imperative that we have sex. Sure, there is longing and attraction; you just kind of have to watch your step."
Miller said sex wasn't central to his relationship.
"Sex changes," he said. "The person I am probably won't change much. You've got to find out if you are compatible with the person instead of compatible having sex with them."
"You develop all the other intimacy first — emotional, spiritual, mental, intellectual," she said. "Then when you get married, and you can have that physical intimacy, it's just the topper, the icing on the cake, instead of the basis of the your whole relationship because that's not a good basis."
Smith said there were different kinds of intimacy to explore.
Mercer and others sometimes had to face peers with different values.
"Ithink it's better when you can walk away from a night thinking that you've made someone feel good instead of walking away thinking that you've had good sex."
Alec Miller
Des Moines, Iowa, senior
"I've been in work situations where it wasn't necessarily ridicule but it was more like the innocent little jokes that would go around," Mercer said. "Can we shock Adriane today? What can we tell her that she doesn't know to smudge her innocence or to prove how naive she is? I don't think it was intended to be cruel; it was just because I was obviously different in that aspect."
For those who are thinking of being abstinent, Miller and Smith said communication, respect and accountability were key for couples.
"We know that we're not going to have sex until we're married," Miller said. "We've already talked about that, and we are open about talking about that. So it's not like it's a taboo topic. I think we're realistic that sexual temptation is there. So we don't just close our eyes and pretend it's not there. I think that helps us to see the cliff before we walk over it." Smith agreed.
"We acknowledge that we are sexually attracted to each other and that we're going to enjoy it once we're married," she said. "It's not like, 'Sex is bad, bad, bad.' I think we're almost more tempted
if it's this topic that no one talks about." Smith and Miller suggest that people who haven't had sex should wait until marriage. However, Smith said even those who had had sex should make that commitment.
"You can decide from that point on to be abstinent," she said. "There's still a little bit that's lost, but you can go back and make that commitment from then on."
Mercer also said that the commitment wasn't easy and that it needed to be personal.
"It's not easy, and it's not a lighthearted thing," she said. "It's something that takes patience and trust that you'll find the right person. You can't make the decision under peer pressure — that devalues it. It needs to be an honest commitment."
Miller said he found that girls actually appreciated the commitment.
"From my experience, it seems that girls feel better and more special when guys take time to love them by holding them, by talking with them, by spending quiet meaningful time with them than by being sexual," he said. "I think it's better when you can walk away from a night thinking that you've made someone feel good instead of walking away thinking that you've had good sex."
Smith related a story of how meaningful it was to wait for Miller.
"My parents gave me a 'True Love Waits' ring for my 14th birthday to wear on my wedding ring finger," she said. "I wore it until I got engaged, and I still have it in a box. It was always my intention to give that ring as a symbol to my spouse on my wedding night. It just means a lot." — Edited by J. R. Mendoza
Culture affects students' views about sexuality
Students from different parts of the world see sex differently — though many KU students who have lived in foreign countries say the United States has greatly influenced their views of sex.
By Nathan Dayani Special to the Kansan
Alvaro Berg, Santiago, Chile, senior, has lived in the United States for about six years. Berg said sexuality was an important component of understanding one-self.
"I think we need to learn more about ourselves," he said. "And sexuality is one of the best ways to learn who we are."
Even though Berg spent most of his life living in Chile, many of his perspectives on sexuality have been influenced by American culture.
"My views on sexuality were created in this country," Berg said. "I was from a conservative family, and I never really had much exposure. Much of my understanding of sexuality and love has happened here."
One of the main concerns Berg has about sexuality in America is that younger generations often irresponsibly engage in sexual activity to the point that it loses its meaning. Berg said many of these people gave in to societal pressures that subtly supported sexual promiscuity.
Gisela Gharibpour, Overland Park junior, agreed that younger generations excessively use their sexuality without considering the unfortunate consequences. Gharibpour is a first-generation American. Even though her parents immigrated to the United States from Iran, she said that their views on sexuality were not significantly different from the rest of American society.
"I don't see the cultural difference as much because they have lived here for half of their lives," Gharibourd said. "We're an Americanized family."
She knows several families of Iranian and Middle Eastern descent who take a more conservative stance than her parents. But she said her family effectively balanced their cultural views with American views on sexuality.
"For my sake, they learned to adjust," she said. "They've done such a good job on separating themselves and realizing where I am. They truly believe in the culture that they grew up with, but they know that they have to balance the cultures."
Like Berg, Gharibpour said she thought many students rushed into expressing themselves sexually, often making sex lose its importance.
"We have a lot of living to do," she said. "And I don't think you can honestly say that you are in love with the first guy you meet here. It could happen, but I think there's so much out there. Sex is too often used to be used and it loses its meaning."
Stephanie Richard, Bretagne, France, graduate student. has lived in America for about three years.
"Freedom of behavior, freedom of thinking, freedom of expression is very important in France," Richard said.
Richard said that these traditions of freedom helped explain why the French seemed more willing to express themselves sexually. She said that one of the fundamental differences between sexuality in France and sexuality in America was the American practice of categorizing people by their sexual orientation.
"In America, there is a need to categorize," she said. "In France, we don't really care."
Berg said that American society often did not think of homosexuality as an expression of love and was therefore unwilling to fully accept it.
"I think we still have a lot to learn, not only in America, but in the rest of the world," he said. "It might be socially acceptable or agreeable in certain places like California, but there is still much more to learn before homosexuality is accepted as another branch of love. The essence of homosexuality is loving another person from the same sex. Because of that, it should be respected as a concept of love, an expression of love."
Edited by Warisa Chulindra
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