Section B · Page 2
The University Daily Kansan
Wednesday, November 15, 2000
Sex on the Hill
HOROSCOPES
Today's Birthday (Nov. 15).
Finish what you started last year. The tough part's over now, so gather the rewards of your efforts. Make a list of who owes you what in November. Discover a buried treasure in December. Heed a loved one's advice in January. Try something different at home in February. Stay cool at work in April, and by May the job will be a breeze. Dig up new information in June and follow your dreams to a distant shore in July. Keep an old promise to yourself in September.
Aries (March 21-April 19) — Today is a 4.
Can you manage to stay home, in bed? You could get up once in a while to get more chocolate. Telling your boss that your astrologer said you could take an extra day off, however, might not set well with your employer. Think of something else.
Keep a low profile. A box of chocolates would be a good companion. A romance novel might be OK, too. Don't read anything that will get you upset, however. You're kind of edgy. No point in making it worse. This, too, shall pass.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) — Today is an 8.
Virao (Aua. 23-Sept. 22) — Today is an 8.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) — Today is an 8.
A recent turn of events is good for you. Your questions have been answered, or soon will be.
Schedule a private meeting with your soulmate, or the person who you suspect might fall into that category. Do some planning. Take notes.
taurus (april 26-may 20) — today is an
You've made it, and you should celebrate. You
and your partner should go out and do something
special. You've been promising yourselves a treat,
so don't weeien out of it. Something in town must
be open on a Wednesday night.
Your energy level's low, but that's OK. You'll gain more from listening than talking, anyway. Don't tell anybody off, either. You'll learn and earn more by keeping your opinions to yourself than you will by sharing them.
You handled a recent difficult situation well. Your friends admire your diplomacy and tact. Don't bother trying to hide how smart you are. It's out in the open now. People think you're great, too. Relax and enjoy the attention.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct 22) — Today is a 4.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) — Today is a 4.
**Gemini July 14**
The finances you're expecting could be less than you thought. Don't spend the check until it clears the bank. Go over your budget and cut out the frills. Scrimping a bit is a good idea. You may end up a little sadder, but a lot wiser.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) — Today is a 9.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) — Today is a 4.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) — Today is a 9.
You're looking good. The travel-related problem passed. You can make contact with a person you've played phone tag with all week. You'll soon discover the next step to achieve your goals. That's true in romance, as well as business.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) — Today is a 4.
You're under stress from different directions. Don't talk about what you've learned or what you've accomplished. Don't say much of anything, actually. Finish up whatever you're doing. Conditions will improve soon. Tough it out.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) — Today is an 8.
If you're single, a friend could fix you up with a keeper. If you're married, a double date with your favorite couple is a great idea. You've promised yourself an evening of fun and games for a while.
Go ahead and check that off your list.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) — Today is a 4.
You're working hard and not getting paid enough for it. If your dreams seem to be falling apart, don't get depressed. Some things can't be figured out; they just have to be taken on faith. This is a good time to practice.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) — Today is a 9.
Pisces (Dec. 19-March 20) — Today is a 9.
You're drawing attention from people you admire.
You could get the promotion you're after, too.
You're smart, and your intuition should be excellent.
Finish projects you've been working on, in business
and in romance. Don't start new ones yet.
Domestic abuse often kept secret
Every 15 seconds in the United States, a woman is beaten by her husband or boyfriend according to FBI Uniform Crime reports.
By Karen Donnelly
Karen corresponden
Note: Horoscopes have no basis in scientific fact and should be for entertainment purposes only.
Kansan correspondent
"Domestic violence is so prevalent in American society today, no matter what age, race, or sexual orientation," said Lea Burgess-Carland, Lawrence junior and employee at Lawrence Women's Transitional Care Services. "But it is still not talked about."
Domestic violence remains an issue kept quiet by our society because it questions stereotypes of the traditional American family or religious obligations, Burgess-Carland said.
It's a situation becoming more common. Many students find themselves dealing with abusive situations for the first time in high school or college, yet few may really know how to handle them.
This kind of abuse affects people of all ages, cultures, races, genders, income levels and education levels and sexual orientation. Relationship abuse, or domestic violence, may be emotional, verbal, physical or sexual.
"An abused woman thinks it is her fault because society makes her," she said.
Jacy Hurst, Lawrence junior who also works for WTCS, said those in the queer community may feel similar.
Many factors contribute to why people stay in abusive relationships. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, some stay because they feel shame, embarrass and isolation from society and specifically they're friends and family.
"Someone who is in a homosexual relationship is less likely to seek help because our society oppresses that lifestyle," she said.
Others stay because it might be dangerous to leave the abuser. And some stay in defense, not only of the abuser, but also of themselves and their love for him or her.
"They feel like a failure," Hurst said. According to The Battered Woman by Lenore Walker, abusive relationships usually go through three phases that make up the 'Cycle of Violence,' which often influences the battered to stay in the relationship.
The first phase, Tension Building, usually involves violent verbal outbursts or long silences.
The violent fight, physical or sexual, occurs in the second phase, the acute incident phase.
Third, in the honeymon phase, the batterer exhibits loving or remorseful behavior. This stage often includes flowers and compliments that coax the abused partner into staying in the relationship.
Likewise, people often stick around in these dangerous relationships because their friends or family
pushed them away from the abuser,
and they must defend themselves by
staying with the abuser.
"This happened to a friend of mine, and I didn't know what to do," Burgess-Carland said. "I said, 'if he doesn't leave, you should' because I figured she'd choose her friends over her abusive boyfriend."
This mistake repeats itself in many situations of young abusive relationships because people don't really know how to handle them, Hurst said. Laura Montgomery, Leavenworth third-year law student, works at the Emily Taylor Resource Center and offered this advice.
"The best thing to do when your friends or roommates find themselves in abusive relationships is to assess the abuse and counter it." Montgomery said. "In other words, counter the isolation, boost their self-esteem and let them know you'll always be there for them no matter what decision they make, without driving the abusive partner away. Countering the abusive helps them see the light at the end of the tunnel, so they may see a way out."
Hurst said it was important to realize that domestic violence could happen to anyone.
and effect, but underlying needs for power and control."
Burgess-Carland said the cycle of violence could begin in the early stages of dating.
"These relationships start out with little things, like little jealousies, insults, and desire for control of what you do or where you go," she said. "We need to educate students that the abusive relationships aren't cause
"It's not your fault and it is okay to be you and not get hit," she said. "Nothing will change unless we educate ourselves and each other. It is like a black eye that you'll never cover up with make-up."
If you or anyone you know needs help or someone to talk to about abusive relationships, there are many places to turn to here in Lawrence. In an emergency, call 911.
The Women's Transitional Care Services, 843-3333, is open 24 hours and has offered support, assistance and counseling to University of Kansas students and Lawrence residents since 1976.
The Emily Taylor Women's Center, 864-3552, offers counseling, support and referrals to KU and Lawrence women as well. 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. Monday through Friday.
The Kansas Crisis Hotline, toll-free 1-888-END-ABUSE (1-888-363-2287) is available 24 hours a day for confidential help.
Cyndi Hurst, an abuse survivor, said it took a very strong person to seek help and then accept it as she did.
Rape survivor uses experience to educate
"Asking and accepting isn't a weakness, it's a strength." Hurst said.
"Being strong enough to seek the help and accept it — it's the first step to being a survivor."
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The fear wasn't gone for long. Praying, she dreaded each second to come.
"Alcohol and trust just don't go together. You have to have a clear mind in order to really trust people. When my instincts tell me that something isn't right, I try to leave the situation or somehow get out of it."
i started praying to God not to let him hurt me anymore," Amber said.
The two men shook and undressed her as they told her that she knew that she "wanted it." One of the men then raped Amber while the second exposed himself and insulted her. Amber did not scream; she was afraid they would become violent. Thoughts ran through her mind of the men strangling her and dumping her body. In the midst of the assault and her prayers, Amber said she still felt encouraged by a higher power.
Amber Kasiska Galva sophomore
"Even though I was scared, I felt like someone was with me and if I died I wouldn't be alone." she said.
As her friends helped Amber into the car to leave, her attackers came out of the dorm.
"The guys came back and said,
"I looked at her and said I didn't sleep with anybody, they raped me," Amber said.
While her second attacker raped her, the third man sat in the room playing Nintendo. After he was done, her second attacker got up and talked with his friend in the room for a few minutes. Both men left the room and Amber heard their voices along with the familiar and comforting voices of her friends on the other side of the door.
Before Amber left the room, the two men who had just attacked her returned. They told her she had "wanted it" and urged her to believe their version of the attack.
When Amber met her friends, they could tell that something was bothering her, but she kept her secret at first. Amber burst into tears when one of her friends joked that something had happened with one of the men because the friend saw the condom wrapper on the floor.
'Don't believe anything she says, look at her, she's drunk, she's so out of it.' Amber said.
Ignoring the men, Amber and her friends tried to decide how to handle the situation. They drove around for a while before her friends brought her to see her brother, Brian, at nearby Central Christian College.
At the police department, police gave Amber a Breathalyzer test, which showed zero blood alcohol content. Amber was tested more than eight hours after her last drink. In the emergency room at the local hospital, physicians performed a rape evidence collection kit on Amber. She said the police told her there wasn't enough evidence to prosecute the attackers, even though one of the rapists later wrote a letter to Amber apologizing for the attack.
Her parents were notified and arrived shortly thereafter. While her father initially reacted with anger, her mother tried to nurture Amber by caressing her hair. Her father was displeased by Amber's poor decisions and lies to her mother about where she was supposed to be.
"There'd be nights where I just wouldn't want to talk to anyone. I'd just sit in my room and cry," Amber
"He was angry about what had happened to me but he didn't know who to direct it at," Amber said.
After the rape Amber had a difficult time relating to friends and family.
said. "My friends would be really hurt because I couldn't talk to them about it and they couldn't understand."
Amber said she dealt with loneliness, feelings of emptiness and confusion.
"My whole personality was gone, and I just had to rebuild it stronger," she said.
Now a sophomore at the University majoring in Exercise Science and English, Amber said her relationship with her mother was stronger since the attack. She said she had learned two major life-lessons: to trust her instincts and to forgive.
"Alcohol and trust just don't go together. You have to have a clear mind in order to really trust people," she said. "When my instincts tell me that something isn't right, I try to leave the situation or somehow get out of it."
As part of her recovery and dedication to advocacy, Amber has also volunteered for the Emily Taylor Women's Resource Center, speaking to groups, telling her story and helping with programs.
The center, at 22 Strong Hall, is dedicated to advocacy and providing resources for campus awareness. The center works closely with the Douglas County Rape Victim Survivor Service, which is open 24 hours a day and on holidays. Laura Montgomery, coordinator of the sexual assault and education program at the center, said the center was not intended to be a long-term
counseling center but recommended victims to a psychological services center for extended counseling.
Montgomery said people had the tendency to blame survivors.
"You, have nothing to lose in believing someone who confides in you that they've been raped," Montgomery said.
Montgomery also said if a rape victim confided in a someone, the confidence should not blame the victim. Instead, the confidence should discuss options without making a value judgment or telling the victim what to do.
"Someone who's been assaulted has already lost a great amount of control in their life and incredible violation, and the last thing that they need is someone whom they trust taking more control away from them," Montgomery said.
Amber has dealt with the blame and disbelief she felt because of her rape. She has run through the night many times and thought about the decisions she made and her feelings toward her attackers. Dealing with the hatred toward her rapists was a long, draining emotional process for Amber until she realized forgiveness was the key to her own recovery.
"I realized a lot of what I did that night wasn't perfect either," she said. "I'm no better of a person than they are, they just did something really terrible to me."
She said she felt her rape gave her life more purpose because she created positive changes out of negative experiences. Amber said one of her goals was to educate people about rape so it wouldn't happen to anyone else. She encourages victims to talk to others about being raped and to keep a journal.
"Realize that you're not alone," she said. "And the more you talk the more you'll find strength in your own voice and more other women will too."
Edited by Erin Adamson
Birthright can help 1-800-550 4900 FREE AND CONFIDENTIAL
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