WEDNESDAY, DEC. 05, 2001
FROM THE FRONT
THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN = 3A
Divorce: Students deal with emotional scars
CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1A
their relationship.
Jesse Atwell, Verdi junior, plays guitar in his room. Atwell learned to play guitar to help him cope with his mother and stepfather's divorce.
Orme said she felt helpless because she had been unaware of the difficulties in her parents' marriage.
The challenge of commitment
"I felt like I had been fooled," she said.
Orme's emotional scars are similar to those of millions of children nationwide whose parents have divorced.
In 1971, Judith Wallerstein, a prominent researcher, interviewed and studied 130 children of divorce in San Francisco. When the study began, the children were 2 to 6 years old with no previous emotional or psychological problems.
In the 25-year study, Wallerstein reached three major conclusions: legal decisions such as custody did not address the needs of children; divorce affected children psychologically, emotionally and socially; and more focus should be placed on the needs of children of divorce.
Wallerstein said that in many cases, children felt less respected in general, had problems with long-term relationships and had no role models for a good marriage.
"Some of them didn't even remember the initial breakup of their parents," Wallerstein said of the children she studied, who are now adults.
Orme does remember how her parents' marriage fell apart, and it has made her frightened to enter relationships. She does not know if she will ever be able to trust someone enough to get married. She fears that if she were to marry, she would one day be rejected, like her father was the day she left for the University.
Serious commitments such as marriage worry Jesse Atwell, too. Atwell, Verdi junior, looks back on his parents' failed relationship and worries about his own relationships.
"I feel that I am scared to make a really big commitment because of what I have seen," he said.
What happened atwell wonders where his
mother, and her efforts to console
her father were unsuccessful.
During her first visit home to see her father after he had been served with divorce papers, she found herself in the middle of ugly accusations. Her father said her mother stole money from him and he constantly "badmouthed" her, Orme said.
Orme felt responsible for how and when the marriage ended — when she departed for college. She appeared to be the only reason they were together as long as they were.
"I felt guilty when they argued because she would have been gone if I wasn't around," she said.
Working through the changes
Orme continues to struggle with the fears and emotions from her parents' divorce. She is reminded of that fear whenever she goes home to the farm where she grew up. Her mother is gone and the house looks different.
"I really am embarrassed to think of my childhood, because of the things that were going on that I didn't know about," she said.
Atwell said he had to cope with two divorces. His birth parents divorced shortly after he was born and both married again while he was young.
Atwell doesn't remember what it was like while his parents were together, but he can't forget when his parents divorced again from their second spouses.
When Atwell mother married for the second time, he was 5. Atwell became attached to his stepfather, whom he valued as a special friend. Seven years later, his mother divorced again.
"I was confused because it came out of nowhere," he said.
He coped with his mother's unexpected divorce from his stepfather by learning how to
the relationship.
"When we refused to believe that it was my father's fault, she
Note: 1994-1996 data estimated. Source: MRVS, National Center for Health statistics
current relationship with his girlfriend would be had his parents' relationship been more stable, saying he probably would have gotten married after six months.
"That's how different I feel it would be," he said.
Helpless in the mess
Sarah Knoll, Topeka junior, will always remember the day her parents decided to divorce. Knoll's mother took her and her younger brother and sister to the park. Her mother sat down with them on a bench and told them their parents were divorcing.
While Knoll was hearing the news, her father was served with divorce papers. He got some clothes and other belongings and left the house. When she got home, a letter from her father was on the table.
on the table.
"He said, 'I'm sorry I have to go. Sorry it has to be that way. I don't want to be apart from you and I love you,'" she recalled.
Knoll cried when she read the letter because she sensed her father was helpless and could do nothing about it.
Orme also felt helpless when her parents' marriage fell apart.
Although she wanted to remain neutral throughout the divorce, she became closer to her
ings about the how it had changed her. At times she finds it difficult to inter-act with o t h e r women, which she attributes to her bad rela-tionship with her mother after the divorce.
play guitar. Atwell would come home from school and play for hours.
Knoll said her mother struggled with an alcohol abuse problem that began in college and continued during the marriage. She said her mother progressively drank more and that it got worse after the divorce.
Knoll was only eight when her parents divorced. Knoll said she was still sorting out her feelings about the divorce and
For the year following the divorce, Knoll lived with her mother, who repeatedly blamed her father for the collapse of their marriage. Knoll said her mother would say she was the victim in
"It's just like a good book," he said. "It can let you escape for a while."
would make it our fault," Knoll said about herself and her siblines.
mother.
mother.
"I needed someone to take care of me." Knoll said—and her father served that function.
Students seeking support
The need for security is common when marriages collapse because children can feel abandoned.
doried.
Joyce Davidson, a counseling psychologist at KU's Counseling and Psychological Services, said it was common for children of divorce to feel hurt and depressed because they didn't have access to a parent like they did previously. When this happens, children can feel as though the parent has "moved on" to a new family, leaving children to feel alone and wondering what they did wrong, she said.
Davidson said finding therapy resources to help students cope with divorce was important.
"When your family changes its shape and form, there is a big loss of security," she said.
Davidson said even when a divorce occurred many years ago, its effect on children could remain indefinitely.
She said the healthy way children could cope with divorce was to discuss it with their parents and therapists to better understand the situation.
"The parents are divorcing each other, not the children," Davidson said.
Courtney Pence, Ottawa senior, said discussing the situation helped her understand why her parents divorced.
Pence said her parents married young, shortly after high school. As Pence grew up, her parents' relationship soured. They finally split up when she was in the eighth grade.
Pence said she did not know why they divorced, but was fortunate her parents talked to her openly and helped her deal with the changes.
"They were very grown up on about it—as they should be," she said.
Pence said she was comfortable when her parents were both present for family events because both always remained respectful of each other. That made it easier for her to accept the change.
for her to assist.
"The hardest thing I learned from it is that people do change and I think that it is always important to try and work through that change." Pence said.
Davidson said if parents handled the situation well, children could move forward. However, if the divorce was not handled well, it could cause problems for the children.
Davidson said students struggling to cope with parents' divorce could speak with someone at CAPS to talk through the problem.
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