4A - THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN
OPINION
MONDAY,OCT.22,2001
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Kursten Phelps editor 864-4854 or editor@kansan.com
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Erin Adamson Brendan Woodbury opinion editors 864-4810 or opinion@kansan.com
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KNIGHT RIDDER TRIBUNE
OPINION EDITORS' NOTE
In a November, the Opinion page will devote several issues to how current KU students and faculty envision life at KU in 2030. If you are interested in submitting an essay or a piece of art, please contact Erin Adamson or Brendan Woodbury at 864-4810.
LETTERSTO
THE EDITOR
HONORABLE ATHLETES
Dear editor.
Last week, a tragic event happened that almost no one nationwide heard about. At Alcorn State University, four unnamed people were "joyriding" around campus when they came across two girls walking. One of the joyriders threw a bottle at one of the girls and said something rude. That's when a freshman football player named Jekelcy Lee Johnson stepped in. He defended the girl and was subsequently fatally shot.
Let's hope that A.D. Bohl gets rid of a classless coach like Terry Allen and brings in somebody who will bring us players like JeKelcy Lee Johnson. He's a hero on par with all the people in New York. It's just too bad nobody heard about his deed.
That is the kind of football player KU needs. Instead, we have a starting running back and quarterback who plead not guilty to a crime everyone knows they committed. Instead of throwing them off the team, like Coach Williams would have if it were a basketball team, Coach Allen keeps playing them.
Kyle Rhode
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PERSPECTIVE
Campus machines gang up on an unsuspecting student
My friends and those who know me — two distinct groups, notice — would be a bit surprised to hear me claim to hate machines. After all, I go into withdrawal if I don't have access to my email. I love the convenience of ATMs. And gizmos and gadgets have always been special weaknesses of mine. But of late I've been carrying on a hate affair with a few machines right here on Mount Oread, and it's time to tell all.
As a GTA, I spend part of my life in a snug niche in the bowels of Wescoe Hall. Near my hermit's cell live several mechanized beings (I'm convinced they're sentient), namely, one "Cash-to-Card" machine, one snack machine, one Coke can machine and four Coke bottle machines. They have all flirted with my affections, and they've formed a cabal to frustrate my overtures. They hate me; I know they do.
It started with that petite Cash-to-Card. Her display invited me to insert my KU card and add money to its gold chip. For a while she cooperated nicely. But then she coldly shunned me ("error," she called it) and would not help me. I returned day after day, hoping her coyness would pass. Finally, I called the KU Card Center. From there a pleasant voice expressed surprise that the machine was toying with me so and pledged to look into it.
pledged to honor.
Imagine my joy the next day when the machine was once again kindly inviting me to make use of her! Alack and alas, my joy was doomed. I inserted
Commentary
Aaron Profitt
Guest Columnist
opinionakansan.com
It was many days before I revisited my sometime friend. And then she began to cooperate again. But the非farious machines had been talking. I know they were; they sniggered when I approached their part of the Wescoe basement.
my card. She told me the correct total on the chip. She told me to insert a bill. And then she refused to accept any money. How cruel! How heartless! I was crushed.
First to strike out at me was the snack machine. Proudly displayed on her front is a label promising me a discount of 10 percent for using my KU card. But where to insert the card? There's no card reader!
The Coke can machine soon began to attack me, too. The bill feeder invites me to insert money. But every dollar bill I insert is immediately spit back at me.
All this is bad enough. But the machines have managed to be ever meaner to li'l ol' me. I'm a student which means I'm poor. I pinch my pen nies so hard that occasionally Mr. Lin coln bites my thumb. So I was under
standably thrilled to learn that I would receive a 15-percent discount on a bottle of Coke if I used my KU card to make the purchase.
So I felt it best to pour my soul out on paper. Perhaps others are suffering from similar experiences. Keep trying, and someday you'll find that one special machine and live happily ever after. Either that or take up machine-monasticism and forget your sorrows. The latter seems, somehow, more inviting.
Perhaps now you see the machines' plan. If Cash-to-Card refused me her services, then I could not use my KU card, and I could not get a discount. So I say, "All right, I'll just buy a can, since it's cheaper." But the can machine will not accept my dollar bill. So I'm forced to offer my dollar bill to the bottle machine and forgo the discount.
Some will object to this diatribe. They'll ask, "Why didn't you simply call the proper University office to solve the problem?" Answer: Because I have experience dealing with proper University offices. Had I been able to figure out which office was proper (there's no Office of Vending Machine Problems, you know), I'm quite sure that I'd have been referred to, say, the pope, or the Taliban, or the Coca-Cola company — all of which are equally aloof and uninterested in helping disgruntled "customers."
Proffitt is a graduate student in English from Lawrence.
PERSPECTIVE
Bowling has power to change a life
A wise man once said that a man who doesn't bowl, is not a man at all.
Well, this columnist couldn't agree more. Throughout my life I've bowled every once in a while for recreation, but not until did I take it as a class here at KU did I enjoy the true beauty of the sport.
Although there probably aren't a lot of therapists that recommend it, bowling can be extremely stress-relieving. First of all, you're doing something physical, which is always a good way to get rid of stress.
Imagine this — every Tuesday and Thursday you wake up, get dressed and make your way over to Royal Crest Lanes. Once there you take in the sight of newly greased lanes, fine Velcro shoes and a plethora of shiny bowling balls just waiting for you to send them on a trip to Pintown. After your physical yet fulfilling game, you can decide whether you want to grab a burger at the grill or try your luck with the weight machine. Friends, for me this is no dream. This is my reality, and in addition to it being horrifically fun, I get college credit for it. It can be your reality too if you enroll in the bowling class that KU offers.
There's nothing better after failing a test than hurling a 14-pound ball at some unsuspecting and non-moving entities. Girlfriend or boyfriend dumps
Marc
Ingber
Columnist
opinionkanan.com
Commentary
In addition to bowling a couple games every week, you'll be a master of Trivial Pursuit with your massive bowling vocabulary. When your parents ask you how school's going you can tell them that you picked up a lilly. Or tell the attractive person sitting next to you that you got a Brooklyn today. They may not know what you're talking about, but nevertheless it sounds impressive. And after they take the class too, they'll be even more impressed.
you? Tell them about your 200 game and they'll be crying to get you back.
Yes, there are tests in the class in which you've got to know vocabulary and how to keep score, but it's nothing too bad. You can use what you learn for the rest of your life. In 60 years you may not remember what the medulla does, but your scorekeeping knowledge sure will come in handy at the annual retirement home bowling party. Bowling is a
lifetime sport that any age can participate in. From 8-year-olds to 80-year-olds.
I urge everyone to sign up for the bowling class that this University offers. It's fun, it's a form of exercise (although Billy Blanks doesn't promote it as a full body workout), its stress relieving, and the best part of all is that you even get a little credit for taking It. What more could you ask for? You don't even have to change clothes to do it (except for bowling shoes, which is one of the best parts of the whole experience.)
Ever the fan of Dr. Seuss, I conclude with a poem:
Is your life a tizzy?
Is your life a big mess?
Are you looking for a way to relieve your stress?
Well, I have the answer, the answer for you.
The answer for you, I most certainly do;
Sign up for bowling, sign up today
Hobble-dee wobble-dee, bowling is fun.
And your life will be better in most interesting ways.
Bizzle-dee mizzle-dee, for everyone.
Ingber is a sophomore from Golden Valley, Minn.
FREE for ALL
Free for All callers have 20 seconds to speak about any topic they wish. Not all of them will be published. Slanderous and obscure statements will not be printed.
864-0500
For more comments, go to www.kansan.com
I'd just like to thank the person who pulled the fire alarm in Budig during Tuesday night during the CHEM 184 test. Congratulations on ruining 800 students' night.
--it's me again. Apparently this is my last phone call, so I won't be calling the Free for All any more tonight. We got pulled over and now we're in jail.
What's up with partyKU.com? They don't put any parties up. We need more people to put more parties up so we can all get drunk.
[ ]
So last night it was dreaming, right? My dream was to be in Free for All, so could you please print this,'cause it's for real. I'm serious.
I would like to know why the Parking Department is handing tickets out during fall break, especially when the buses aren't running.
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Why is all the toilet paper on campus not user-friendly? 'Cause it kind of hurts my butt, you know?' It's kind of part of me.
(urinating sound)
It takes two to tango, unless you have a metal bat.
--it's me again. Apparently this is my last phone call, so I won't be calling the Free for All any more tonight. We got pulled over and now we're in jail.
Green apples and red apples and pine
cones do not go together in a bowl.
My friend has matzo ball soup in his pants.
Wowl I can't believe I just made a chicken sandwich. Come on!
If a moon rocket is travelling 600 miles an hour and a speedboat is traveling 50 miles an hour, which one will arrive at Chicago first? What's up with that Tara Lipinsky?
This is crap. John Cusack gets a lot of publicity in the Free for All but what about Gone Hackman? He's the best. He's the one. He's the one you should print.
We're going 85 down the highway and we just got passed by a Volkswagen Bug. What is up with that?
If Ghandi and Mother Teresa ever got together and had a baby, who would it be?
You guessed it: Gene Hackman.
I just bought some glow-in-the-dark boxers I think the chicks will flock.
it's me again. Apparently this is my last phone call, so I won't be calling the Free for All any more tonight. We got pulled over and now we're in jail.
This message is for Meghan Bainum. Will you go out with me?
It's me again. The good news is we caught up to the Bug. The bad news is now we have five cops on our tail.
Can I vote my Western civ teacher off the island?
I think retirement should be a shot in the butt that kills you.
Let's not keep the students in the dark any more about the new football tradition the Athletic Department plans on unveiling this weekend.
I know the guy on TV.
I don't think you guys should be slamming on Meghan because I took her advice and, ahhgh, got myself a, ahhhhhh, real nice vibrator, mmmmmmm. And I think she's the greatest kid ever, ahhhh!
Anywhere to go, a fly girl will please me. East and West' cause girls are easy.
Man, Easy-E is full of crap. College girls aren't easy.
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Is it true that every time I masturbate, my eneis gets smaller?
Why is masturbation so addictive?
The fire alarm just went off in Oliver Hall because we thought there was a fire, but then we realized it was just my flaming roommate.
I was just wondering who I've got to sleep with around here to get some A's.
will you guys just print one of my sayings?
This is Brian.
Is masturbation as good for girls as it is for gvqs?
Take her easy and if she's easy, take her twice.
I need two big, big pizzas and a whole lot of water.
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I just bought a bag of Dum-Dums. Did you know they put buttered popcorn flavor in there now? What's up with that?
Why can't Kissy be more like Shawn Hill of Maryland. That guy is fricking awesome.
I just got pajamas that have pockets in them. This is good because I used to have to hold stuff.