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Monday, October 27, 1986 / University Daily Kansan
THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN
Opinions
Think before you vote
It's fairly obvious to most people that students weren't registering to vote this year out of concern for doing their civic duty, but because at least one of the three controversial proposed "sin" amendments, liquor by the drink, affects many of them directly. Nevertheless, many students have registered to vote, and that's good news.
One can argue that it's irrelevant what issue or how many issues get voters to the polls; the more registered voters who actually show up to cast their ballots, the better democracy is served.
Not necessarily
Not necessary
Quite a few students could probably quote verbatim the details of question No. 2, the proposed liquor amendment.
But how many know the details of question No. 5, which deals with amending the education article in the state constitution?
The enrollment blues
Stop whining. You have it easy. At universities all across the country, students are forced to scurry from building to building in a frantic effort to enroll in all the "right" courses.
Question No. 3. the property classification issue, has been called the most controversial and complex issue on the ballot. If passed, it will change the current method of taxing property from a uniform and equal basis to a classification system, where different kinds of property will be taxed at different rates. This may not mean much to students living in residence hall rooms, but it will affect Lawrence residents.
At KU, enrollment is centralized, computerized and streamlined. Maybe it's not perfect, but we're light-years ahead of many big schools. An it's up to the student to take advantage of the system, from counseling to getting a completed schedule.
Students are not isolated by their status as students. As residents of Lawrence, they have an obligation to consider how their actions in the voting booth are going to affect others. Ignorance of the issues can cause real harm, if enough people "just guess" on vital questions, or blindly pull levers for an official because of their party affiliation or because "the name sounds familiar."
Lesson No. 1: Don't be afraid to ask for help.
together," is a prevalent comment and, many times a false conclusion. Regardless of your major, it couldn't hurt to have a faculty member review your course choices before you enter the sacred enrollment chambers.
Lesson No. 2: Be prepared.
Believe it or not, other students want to enroll in the same classes as you do. Be ready to take a second choice.
Lesson No. 3: It's your responsibility.
Too often students are atraid or embarrassed to seek the counseling help they need "I've made it this far, I should be able to put my own schedule
When it's all said and done,
it's up to you. Don't buck the
system — learn to work within it.
If you wind up with a
schedule that resembles a
jigsaw puzzle, you can only
blame yourself.
And always remember, it could be worse.
Alien reform is freedom
For too long, illegal aliens in this country have had a hard and dangerous row to hoe. A bill passed recently in Congress contains hope for some and disappointment for others who come to this country seeking permanent residence and employment.
The good news for the estimated one to four million illegal aliens in the United States is that under the bill anyone in this country since before 1982 would be granted amnesty and could obtain legal status and, later, citizenship. Also allowed amnesty are farm workers who have been working at least three months a year for the past three years. The flip side of the bill, and the one that should please U.S. workers and unions along the U.S.-Mexico border, is the measures for punishing employers caught hiring illegal aliens. Employers can be fined and, in extreme cases, jailed for hiring workers without proper identification.
Crafters of the bill say it provides adequate safeguards against discrimination, however, there is a chance that it will breed discrimination against all Hispanics.
Some Hispanic groups fear that employers will hire no Hispanics rather than take a chance on hiring illegal aliens.
The law should placate workers and unions who want illegal aliens kept out because they drive down wages and take jobs from U.S. workers.
Also assuaged are the farmers along the border, who claim they need immigrant labor in order to survive.
However, the provision to bar deportation of refugees from El Salvador and Nicaragua has thrown a monkey wrench into the entire works. The House voted 199-197 to allow El Salvadorans and Nicaraguans to remain in the country. Reagan, in whose pen rests the fate of the bill, has taken the stance that they are not fleeing political persecution but are here seeking jobs.
The president could grant asylum to thousands of workers who, with their hands and hard work, have contributed to the success of much of this nation's agriculture. And, with a sweep of his pen, the president could grant freedom to those who came to this country in flight from persecution.
News staff
Lauretta McMillen ... Editor
Kady McMaster... Managing editor
Tad Clark... News editor
David Silverman... Editorial editor
John Hanna... Campus editor
Frank Hansel... Sports editor
Jack Kelly... Photo editor
Tom Eblen... General manager, news adviser
Business staff
David Nixon... Business manager
Gregory Kaul... Retail sales manager
Denise Stephens... Campus sales manager
Sally Depew... Classified
Lake Wavemann... Production manager
Duncan Calhoun... National sales manager
Reverly Kastens... Traffic manager
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FBI tackles lunch box conspiracy
A lot of people give the Federal Bureau of Investigation a hard time. Critics say that agents goof up the simplest operations and investigate the most ridiculous cases.
These critics are being unfair. To refute them, I decided to do some snoping around myself.
Victor Goodpasture
Columnist
A good friend of mine, Ernest P. Hordecker, is a special agent for the FBI and head of its Conspiracy division.
I've known Ernest since grade school and we've kept in touch through the years. In the past, he has provided me with tips on wiretapping, surveillance, break-ins, cover-ups, and sting operations — even before the New York Times knew about them.
I called him up the other day looking for a possible story.
But first, I had to get by his secretary. She didn't like the column I wrote on the Equal Rights Amendment, and if she knew it was me calling, I'd never get through.
"Federal Bureau of Investigation,
Conspiracy division. May I help you?"
she asked.
"I'm sorry sir, you want the FB1
Defection division. The number is
Nyet, nyet    no, no, please.
I have wery 'portant information for
Meester Ordedecker, I pleaded, trying not to lose my accent.
"Come on. The 'Defector-on-the-Phone' bit is an old one," Ernest said. "So, what can I do for you, help you defect?"
How did ya know it was me? I asked. surprised.
A few moments later Ernest picked up the phone, "Special Agent Horn-
She paused and then said, "Please hold, sir."
Get serious. I'm looking for a story.
Got anything interesting?
"As a matter of fact, I do. But this is really hush-hush. You gotta promise that you didn't hear it from me."
"Lunch boxes. They're missing." Wait a minute. Start over.
No problem. What's the scoop? "Lunch boxes."
Say again?
"Listen. You know how every year millions of kids buy lunch boxes?"
"Well, where are the ones that they last year?"
"I'm afraid not. the bureau has failed to turn up one thrown-away lunch box. They just mysteriously disappear. Tell me, do you ever remember throwing away your lunch box?"
I paused for a moment, just in case he was throwing me a trick question. I suppose they're in the garbage, I replied.
"Sorry, but the Conspiracy division has ruled out the Sadistic Mom Theory."
So you think it's some kind of massive cover-up?
"We don't know what to think. But we do have several theories that we're working on right now." I like
"Like the Adam Smith Theory. We think it could be an invisible hand. Frankly, we're quite skeptical of that one."
"Well, there's the Marxist Theory. It basically says that such disappearances are inevitable.
Any other theories?
"The Prohibitionist Theory says that it's the drunks who are stealing."
"Then there are the liberals who want $2.5 million to study the problem before they disclose their theory.
"Conservatives, on the other hand, say that it's some kind of communist plot. They say the Soviets are far behind in food-carrying technology and they are stealing our hi-tech 'Charlie Brown,' "Scooby Doo" and "Smurts' lunch boxes to try to gain a strategic advantage over our conventional lunch boxes.
They say the Soviets are stealing our hi-tech "Charlie Brown,""Scooby Doo" and "Smurfs" lunch boxes to gain a strategic advantage over our conventional lunch boxes.
"In fact, some have even con sidereed 'SLI'."
What's SLI?
What exactly will SLI do?
What's 517?
"Strategic Lunch Initiative. Some have even gone so far as to suggest there's a 'lunch-box box.' So you can see how dangerous a situation we're in."
"Well, using a sophisticated set of particle-beam thermoes, the lunch boxes would explode if Soviet-made lunch boxes got near them. Actual deployment is years off, but we've run into problems ever since the media started calling SLI 'Lunch Wars.'"
This is incredible. You mean my "Adam-12" lunch box is . . .
"... is dissected into hundreds of pieces in a secret Soviet underground laboratory. Yup. That's a distinct possibility."
This all sounds like a bad James Bond movie.
And don't forget television. Television?
"Yes, several of our top officials believe in the Rod Serling 'Theory.'"
You mean they believe
"... that the lunch boxes are between night and day, where time stands still. That they are in a dimension not of sight and sound, but of mind, et cetera, et cetera. You know, the Twilight Zone."
This is crazy, I said. You guys must be going off the deep end.
"Oh. no. The bureau is taking all of this very seriously. But not me."
Why, because you know how silly it is?
I haven't changed my mind. I still have great faith in the FBI. Someday, I hope to be reused with my "Adam-12" lunch box.
"No, because I've brown-bagged it most of my life."
God knows, it's an easy error to make
I recently had a visit from the Rev. Pat Robinson, who is pastor of the Hallelujh Ev身画 Unified Church of Happiness. He was hopping mad. And if what he says is true, I can't blame him.
black ink.
As Robinson says, "It's all a terribile misunderstanding. It's me that's supposed to run for president."
What makes you think so'
"I just found out. The Lord told me so."
That you should run for president?
"Absolutely. He just spoke to me and asked me why I hadn't got my campaign started, why I hadn't told my followers to get 3 million signatures and raise millions of dollars and all that other stuff."
"Absolutely. So I told him, 'I don't know anything about this. I've been busy looking for a new storefront location for the faithful. A hamburger chain's bought the building and moved me out."
"And He told me. 'What do you mean, you don't know?' I told you what I wanted you to do several weeks ago. I told you I needed a true believer like you in the White House so the true believers people in this country will have a true believer for president."
He told you that?
"So I asked Him, 'When did You tell me to do that?'
"I said, 'You told me that?'
"He says He'll check his desk calendar. Then He gives me the date."
"I checked my own desk calendar. And I said, 'No way. I was at the dentist all that morning. Then I spent the rest of the day downtown yelling at sinners to repent. A guy from a stereo store finally complained to the cops and they told me to beat it, so we went home, hit the sack, and didn't
hear from anybody
"He says to me, 'I don't understand this.'
"So said, OK, let's figure this out.
How did you reach me."
"He said, 'I called long-distance.'
Mike Royko
Chicago
Tribune
"I said, 'You used the phone company?' Why didn't You just talk to me direct?
"He said, 'I tried talking to you direct all morning, but I didn't get any answer.'
'I said, 'Ah, that must have been when I was at the dentist. He was drilling, and I couldn't have heard a thing, even if you shouted.'
"And He said, 'Anyway, I called long-distance information and I asked for your number and I phoned. And I told you what I wanted you to do and you said you'd do it."
"I said, 'No way. My phone has been disconnected for six months. Bunch of cheapos in my congregation.'
"And He said, 'But you answered the phone. And when I gave you My instructions, you said you'd get right on it.'
'So I said, 'What number did You call,'
"The phone company told me,
'That number is listed to the Rev. Pat Robertson.'
"He checks his desk calendar again and gives me the number. I called the phone company and asked them whose number it was.
"So I told Him, 'The long-distance
operator gave You the wrong number. They must have thought You said Pat Robertson, R-O-B-E-R-T-S-O-N. Not Robinson.'
1-340. No, no, no.
"And He says, 'Robertson? Why would I tell him to run for president. He's a lawyer, isn't he?"
"That's right," I said. But that's what must have happened. It's the phone company's fault. Ever since they broke up AT&T, the service has been goofy.
'So I said, Well, he thinks You did
"And He says, 'This is a terrible mistake. Why would I want another lawyer to run for president?' And especially him. He's a namedropper, always saying that he talked to Me about this or about that, saying that he talked Me into stopping a hurricane. I've never even said hello to the man.'
this time. He's got his followers collecting signatures and money, and he's getting ready to run.
"And the Lord says, 'I'm not going to pay for that long-distance call. And you've got to let people know this was a mistake. Goodbye.' "
After telling me all this, the Rev Robinson slapped his hand on my desk, and said, "So that's the deal. I'm the one who's supposed to be running for president. And I'd like you to write about this and let the people know that I am the one who is His choice."
That's an amazing story. But do you think people will believe He actually spoke to you?
"Why not?" asked Robinson.
"They believe the other guy, don't they?"