University Daily Kansan / Thursday, October 16, 1986
7
Abuse
Continued from p.1
many victims and abusers is that they were raised in abusive homes. Twenty-four percent of the women and 45 percent of their abusers witnessed abuse between their parents as children, according to the WTCS survey. Twenty-eight percent of the abused women and 52 percent of their abusers were abused as children.
Not all abuse between intimate partners involves a man battering a woman. A 1983 study by Lawrence police indicated that 17 percent of the people arrested in response to domestic violence reports were women.
Some women abuse men. Others abuse their lesbian lovers.
But the majority of abusers are men, said Joyce Grover, WTCS staff member.
Injuries to women who stay at the WTCS shelter range from mental strain to permanent physical damage.
"A woman came into the shelter with her mouth wired shut," Smith said. "Her husband beat her with the wires on, and the inside of her mouth was all cut up.
"The reason her mouth was wired in the first place was because he had fractured her jaw in an earlier beating.
"Another woman came into the shelter without any shoes. I found that she hadn't had any shoes for three years. Her husband saw no reason for her to have shoes."
Burn scars covered the face of one woman admitted to the shelter. Her husband had thrown a pan of hot grease on her face.
Despite severe and recurrent abuse, slightly more than half of the women who stay at the shelter return to the relationships they
left, Grover said.
Most abusive relationships run in a predictable cycle.
After a beating, the man is remorseful and he is sincere when he promises he will never abuse her again. Smith said. The woman thinks he can change, so they reconcile. Experts call this the "honeymoon" stage because at this point the relationship appears to the couple to be ideal.
But the tension builds again and, at some point, prompts another violent explosion. The victim may be able to delay the outburst for months or even years, but a recurrence usually is inevitable.
"If for no other reason, the man will beat her because she is too perfect," Grover said. "More than one woman has actually told me this was a reason for her beating."
Common reasons men give for abusing women include looking too sexy, too homely or preparing a laissez meal, Grover said. These reasons merely are excuses that allow the man to blame the abuse on the woman, she said.
Grover said she had never seen an abusive pattern broken unless a woman left the relationship or received outside counseling.
Abusers rarely receive counseling because they will not voluntarily go to a counselor, Grover said. Most abusers will not admit they have a problem and instead blame the abuse on the victim or other factors such as pressure at work or alcohol.
Tomorrow: How the local legal system handles domestic violence.
Marv
When I was looking for a lawyer for the divorce, I talked to a lawyer here in Lawrence. When I told him about the abuse, he said, 'The first time it's not your fault, but from then on, you must like it or you wouldn't have stayed.'
Continued from p. 1
If it was easy, I would have left in a second. But it's not. So you patch it up. You smooth it over. And you hope you don't get killed or permanently disfigured.
He started choking me one night, and I got away and ran out the kitchen door. I couldn't go back. He would have beat the shit out of me for running away. So I went to the police and told them what was going on. I said, 'I want my kids out of there.'
They told me, 'Well, we can't make him give you the kids. They're his kids too.'
The next morning, he called his attorney and got an order that said
I had deserted my children. He got custody of the children for the next six weeks.
I believed him.
I lived with my parents during this time. I worked nights. Late one night, I pulled in to where I work, and he came around the corner and threw me down in the front seat of the car, held a knife to my throat and said, 'I'm going to kill you.'
We were fighting for custody of the kids all this time. My lawyer kept telling me, 'If you keep up like this, they're going to take them away from both of you. I advise you to go work this out and go back.'
I went back after six weeks. My only choice was to go back. I wanted my children.
Tomorrow; Mary's decision to leave and the local authorities' treatment of her case.
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