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THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN
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MONDAY, OCT. 19, 2015 | VOLUME 130 ISSUE 16
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A CULINARY
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SURVIVOR'S STORY
Healing after an abusive relationship and becoming an advocate for others in need
MCKENNA HARFORD
@McKennaHarford
When Bethany McMillen, a senior from Tecumseh, and her then-boyfriend started dating, it didn't seem like an unusual relationship. But slowly, he started telling her what she couldn't do, what she couldn't wear, where she couldn't go and who she couldn't speak with.
McMillen said she felt isolated from her friends because of this and said she felt she couldn't turn to her mom because she was grieving a divorce already.
Her boyfriend became increasingly violent. She said he would extort her insecurities to manipulate her; then he started threatening to hurt or kill McMillen, her family or himself to get what he wanted. She tried to break up with him at least seven times over five years together, she said, but it never worked, and she was afraid of the consequences.
"I knew he wasn't good for me, but he knew how to get me to stay," McMillen said.
One night, when McMillen was out at a concert with her friends, her phone died. When she was finally able to charge it she had almost 100 messages and voicemails from him. She said there were two pictures: one of her boyfriend and a bottle of whiskey, and one of him with a gun in his mouth. McMillen immediately called the police.
"Luckily the police got [to my apartment] before he did," Mc-Millen said.
McMillen was eventually put in touch with the Willow Domestic Violence Center for help, thanks to a family friend. There she was offered support and provided a court advocate to help get a restraining order.
"It was very hard for me to accept that I was a survivor," McMillen said.
Now McMillen works as a volunteer at Willow to help others in her situation. She hopes to educate people on the intricacies of dating violence, like why people stay in abusive relationships.
Several organizations in Lawrence, including the Willow, the Sexual Trauma and Abuse Care Center, and the University's Office of Institutional Opportunity and Access and Emily Taylor Center are honoring domestic violence awareness month in October by educating students on campus with tabling and chalking.
The Willow provides support for victims and offers services like counseling and advocacy.
What constitutes dating violence?
COMMON QUESTIONS ABOUT DATING AND DOMESTIC VIOLENCE:
Michael McRill, interim measures coordinator for IOA, said dating violence is physical, emotional or mental abuse within an intimate relationship.
"You see some physical punching or slapping, but mainly there's a long history of manipulation, mental or emotional abuse," McRill said. "You could be in a dating relationship that's only emotional, mental or verbal abuse and file a complaint [with AO]."
In Lawrence, victims can go to the Willow Domestic Violence Center and the Sexual Trauma and Abuse Care Center — formerly known as GaDuGi Safe Center — for support. Both offer 24/7 hotlines,
Where can someone go?
counseling and education services. Willow also has a shelter and can provide court advocates.
Victims can report abuse through the Lawrence Police Department, the KU Public Safety Office or IOA.
What do I do if my friend is affected?
McMillen suggests being there for them so if they decide they want to leave or need help, they have someone to turn to. Joan Schultz, the friend is affected.
executive director of Willow, said the hotline is also available to answer questions from friends or family members.
Can it happen to men? Kathy Rose Mockery, executive director of the Emily Taylor Center, said anyone can be a victim of dating violence, regardless of gender or sexuality. She also said that anyone can perpetrate violence.
McMillen said she tried to leave her abusive relationship, but she couldn't because of her boyfriend's threats and because she didn't feel that she had any support from her friends or family. She said people have to be patient for their loved ones in abusive relationships.
Why don't people in these situations leave?
"You don't know what's going on in the relationship, so just try to be the best friend that you can," McMillen said.
CONTRIBUTED PHOTO
CONTRIBUTED PHOTO
Bethany McMillen now volunteers with the Willow Domestic Violence Center.
Riders and drivers find connections via Uber
DARBY VANHOUTAN
@darbyyanhoutan
After a night out with her husband in the city, Deanne Arensberg, an undergraduate affairs administrator in the chemistry department, called for an Uber driver to pick them up.
She expected a college-aged student strapped for cash. Instead, the driver was someone like herself
— employed full-time with children in college. Then she realized she could do this, too.
One Friday night, when picking up a rider and his wife from Bella Sara, a Lawrence apartment complex, the usual small-talk took
people who worked fulltime jobs, had students in college and were just doing it for extra money," Arensberg said. "I thought, wait a second. I have a full-time job. I have two kids in college. I have a decent car. I can do this. That's how it all got started."
place. But when Arensberg mentioned she works for the chemistry department, the rider mentioned he was the new dean of the College of
"I think that's the coolest thing about Uber — you never know. The person who is taking you to Starbucks may work with someone you know and is the most normal person."
DEANNE ARENSBERG
Lawrence Uber driver
Liberal Arts and Sciences.
Liberal Arts and Sciences.
"I think that's the coolest thing about Uber — you never know," Arensberg said.
"The person who is taking you to Starbucks may work with someone you know and is the most normal person."
Uber runs a system that allows drivers to see the closest person requesting a ride, and provides them with the name of the rider, location and the place he or she is headed.
The rider is then informed of who is picking them up, what car he or she is driving, and how long the wait is for the driver to get there.
With a base fare of two dollars and a charge of 20 cents per minute and $1.65 per mile, Uber serves as a less expensive way to get from place to place. After reaching a destination, a rider is allowed to rate his or her ride on a scale of 1 to 5 stars and leave any comments.
Arensberg got started driving in early August — the week when international students came to campus for orientation. Arensberg said she saw this as a way to help students get around campus safely while also seeing what Uber was all about.
Those students requested rides during the day. Her first night drive was what is commonly referred to as "shark night" — the night after recruitment when sorority members aren't restricted by their chapters from bars and parties. She said that she stayed busy throughout the night.
"Those were my first riders, the brand new international students, and then I kept going from there," Arensberg said.
"That was crazy," Arensberg said. "I mean, as soon as I would drop someone off, bing, bing, bing. It wouldn't stop."
With a full-time job at the University, Arensberg said she drives a few times during the week, setting her own hours and driving when she wants. She said that since the app is relatively new in the area, traffic varies from day to day.
"That's the beauty of it," she said. "If you don't feel like it, you don't have to do it." One concern for Lawrence drivers is intoxicated students, but Arensberg said she has never driven anyone who has been drunk enough to cause a problem. Although it has not happened to her, she attended a get-together of Uber drivers in the area and heard their passenger horror stories.
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KELCIE MATOUSEK/KANSAN
Deanne Arensberg, undergraduate programs assistant for the Department of Chemistry, moonlights as an Uber driver.
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