15
This page is satire. All names are made up, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Other use of real names is accidental or coincidental.
Questions or comments? Contact Adam Pracht, satire editor, at 864-4810 or apracht@kansan.com
TONGUEINBEAK
WWW.KANSAN.COM/SATIRE
THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 12, 2002
Ultra-Americanists retaliate, burn every other country's flags
Ursula Hoover, Clay Center sophomore, is a member of the KU Ultra-Americans, a group that burns the flags of every country other than America. "I mean, I'm as tolerant as the next girl, but honestly people, if you're not an American, you're just plain evil," Hoover said.
Zach Straus/Kansan
By Adrian Zink
beak@kansan.com
Kansas satire writer
WESCOE BEACH — Tired of seeing the American flag burned in nations across the world every night on the news, members of the University of Kansas' Ultra-American party burned flags representing every country in the world.
KUUA President John Smith said it was about time American citizens did this.
After saying that, Smith burned the flags of Saudi Arabia, Canada, England, Chile, Andorra, Alaska and then Iceland.
"We need to send a message to the world," he said as he burned a Ghanan flag. "If you burn our flag, we burn yours. We don't care what country's flag it is, we're just going to cover them all to make sure. It's hard to keep up with who hates us and who doesn't. Is Alaska a country? Oh well, burn their flag, too!"
"Don't think you're safe, Andorra," yelled one protester. "We don't care how innocent you think you are just because you're small. We notice you on the map. We got people checking for well-hidden countries, too."
Many foreign exchange students were bothered by the protest but soon joined in the festivities.
"We're going to talk about how to pronounce 'America' in a more American way."
"When I saw them burning my flag, I was all like 'Hey, that's not cool,'" Estonian Maidu Tarmo said. "But then they let me
John Smith KUUA President
The KUUA club plans a similar protest next week when they will spit on effigies of all non-U.S. leaders in front of Watson Library.
burn a Latvian flag. It felt good. They beat us in soccer last year, the bastards."
"We're also going to have a seminar that day," Smith said. "We're going to talk about how to pronounce 'America' in a more American way. Where I'm from, we say 'Merica. It's just more 'Merican to say 'Merica with a Southern accent, so we're just going to go with it."
Ashcroft demands copy of 'naughty list'
By Brandon Gay
beak@kansan.com
Kansas satire writer
Attorney General John Ashcroft announced today he would use his authority to demand Santa Claus turn over his famous "naughty list" to the government.
"It is absolutely imperative that the government know who has been naughty, who has been nice and what children might be harboring nuclear weapons," Ashcroft said in a press conference.
Ashcroft said if Claus did not turn the
list in, the justice department would be forced to assume all children were naughty.
"You better watch out," Ashcroft told the children of the world at the press conference. "Ashcroft is going to spy. He will look all about. I'm telling you why —
because John Ashcroft is bringing you down."
Ashcroft
"He's checking your e-mail" Ashcroft
added. "In fact, he's checking it twice. Gonna ignore the founding fathers' advice. John Ashcroft is bringing you down."
Asheroft concluded by saying, "He hears you with wire tapping. He knows if you're using the First Amendment. He knows where you live. So be good for the sake of the government!"
Ashcroft later summarized his main points by saying, "O! You better watch out! Ashcroft is going to spy! He will look all about. I'm telling you why. John Ashcroft is bringing you down!"
CAMPUS
French class surrenders
4041 WESCOE-In a bizarre turn of events, the 2:30-3:20 Intermediate French I class has surrendered.
"I was just walking in there to ask for an extra desk," said German teacher Gunther Fritz, "and they immediately hit the deck and surrendered. I wasn't sure what to do, so I accepted."
This French surrender follows a long tradition of capitulation that follows the paths of Napoleon in 1815, The Franco-Prussian War, World War II—and who can forget Dien Bien Phu in 1954.
The German department now plans to colonize the new room with the French students waiting on them each day and bringing them food and drinks.
There are few fears of a resistance because there is nowhere to hide in the room.
A few students, though, escaped to the English class across the hall. They vow to return.
The German class isn't worried. There are no American classes here to help.
The report, issued by the Committee Having Reports Issued and Subsequently Trashed (CHRIST), notes that unkempt beads, long stringy hair and noticeable ribs have become increasingly popular with the college crowd.
Adrian Zink
"Dude, the Buddha look is so last year," said Casey Samms, Liberal sophomore. "I'm so totally stoked. Now people won't make fun of me for wearing my hemp sandals all year."
New study: 60% of college men prefer "Jesus-look" over other resemblances
A new study finds that most college men prefer the "Jesus look" over other god-like styles.
Second place went to the multiarmed Shiva look, while Zoroaster of the Zoroastrian religion rounded out the top three.
Mandalee Meisner