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This page is satire. All names are made up, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Other use of real names is accidental or coincidental.
Questions or comments? Contact Adam Pracht, satire editor, at 864-4810 or apracht@kansan.com
TONGUEINBEAK
WWW.KANSAN.COM/SATIRE
THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 5, 2002
Alternative break office annoyed with questions about Matchbox 20
Zach Straus/Kansan
Jared Buffalo, Springfield, Mo., freshman, rocks out in his dorm while playing a cover version of "Closing Time" by Semisonic. Buffalo would have auditioned with the song to go on Alternative Break before he learned that the program had nothing to do with a particular brand of angst-filled '90s music.
By Adrian Zink
beak@kansan.com
Kansan satire writer
"You wouldn't believe how many calls we get a day about Matchbox 20," says co-director Michael Payne. "There are so many people that think we're some kind of alternative music outlet. We just want to set the record straight once and for all. No, we do not know Jakob Dylan. No, we don't sell Smashing Pumpkins merchandise. And never have we endorsed Marcy Playground, or anything they stand for. We are simply an organization that lets students give back to the world through challenging work in a time others would use for leisure."
In an effort to curb wild rumors and misconceptions of what Alternative Breaks are all about, the Alternative Break office is spreading the word of what they are — and aren't — about.
By questioning random students on campus, the Tongue in Beak investigative staff has gotten a good feel for just what is in these students' heads.
"I was thinking about doing it," said Senior Gillete Stevens. "But now that I know that Third Eye Blind has nothing to do with this, I'm turned off. Why would I want to help people when I could be rockin' hard to such timeless classics as 'SemiCharmed Life' and 'Never let you go?' Alternative Break can suck it for all I care."
Fellow student Chip Sahoy agrees with Stevens. "Yeah, man, I went into their office and asked them about Garbage, and they started talking about how I could pick up trash in downtown Los Angeles," says Sahoy. "There was some major miscommunication going on there. I'm still not sure what they were talking about. Those people are nuts."
"These are the kinds of misconceptions that we've been facing every year," says the other co-director of Alternative Breaks, Jessi Mester. "But part of it is our fault. We're soon changing the botanical and music therapy program in Detroit from the name 'Soundgarden' to something else. Also, our 'See Bush' posters for the Save Desert Bushes program in Arizona needs to be changed too. People keep asking if this Gavin Rossdale guy is going to be there."
Students are invited to feel free to come into the Alternative Breaks office anytime to discuss possible trips, not music.
Kansas to compete in Basketweaving4profit.com Bowl
By Brandon Gay
beak@kansan.com
Kansan satire writer
For Kansas head football coach Mark Mangino and the University of Kansas football team, 2002 was a year to forget. However, the team received some vindication for its hard work yesterday when it learned that its 2 non-conference victories and 0 conference wins had earned them a bowl game.
KU will bring its 2-10 overall season record to the Basketweaving4profit.com Bowl on December 28. The game, sponsored by Basketweaving4profit.com, is the brain child of Lawrence businessman Herb Wegner. Basketweaving4profit.com sells basket-weaving supplies and offers
packages aimed at helping entrepreneurs get rich quick by working eight hours to 10 hours a week weaving baskets.
This year's bowl schedule will feature all 117 Division I-A teams competing in 59 games. What may seem like a mathematical impossibility will be fixed by Baylor playing itself in the first ever Microsoft Solitaire Bowl on Christmas Day. Microsoft projects it will be sponsoring virtually all college bowl games by 2007.
"I'd always wanted to host a bowl game and see my beloved Jayhawks play in it," Wegner said. "I was worried that maybe other bowl would snap the Jayhawks up, but not so much since the start of the season."
"Everyone has been telling me I'm contributing to the trend of too many bowl games and the commercialization of bowls," Wegner said. "But, I don't buy it. There aren't too many bowl games. The real problem is we have a shortage of Division I-A football teams in this country. We need more teams to support all these fine new bowls."
Other bowl games this year include the Murine Ear Wax Removal System Bowl, the Kroger Bowl, the Hobby Lobby Bowl, the Spamburger Hamburger Bowl, the Wisconsin Cheese By-Product Bowl and The AI Bohl, sponsored by KU director of athletics, Al Bohl.
If you would like to sponsor a bowl game, contact the NCAA via its Web site at www.ncaa.com.
Women's basketball team to be all Swedish
By Joe Stephenson
beak@kansan.com
Kansan satire writer
The University of Kansas Athletics Department has made a bold move to increase attendance at women's basketball games—an all Swedish squad.
Al Bohl, Kansas athletics director made the announcement yesterday at a banquet with KU alumni.
"We were having a meeting last week brainstorming ideas to get better attendance at the women's games. During the meeting, we realized that there is a Swedish player on the team getting a lot of attention. Well, if one Swedish player can get us a little attention, imagine what a whole team of Swedish women can do. Frankly, the thought makes me tingly inside," Bohl said before walking off stage and lighting up a cigarette.
Some students, mostly female, don't see the merit in an all-Swedish basketball team. Allison West, Lincoln, Neb., sophomore, is skeptical, "So what if they are all Swedish? All a Swedish team is going to do is get more depraved males to come watch the games."
On campus, the reaction to the new all-Swedish team has been mostly positive. Robert Shue, El Dorado senior, likes the idea of a team of Swedish women, "Oh man, that would be so awesome. A team of Swedish women; that only happens in beer commercials (editor's note: there are many teams of Swedish women, in various sports, in Sweden). Swedish women are, like, so cool."
Bohl said changes were in store so that there would be an authentic Swedish style.
The Swedish player to which Bohl is referring is junior Leila Menguc. Menguc has been the subject of articles in the University Daily Kansan and has been quoted in almost all of the articles covering the women's basketball team.
"In keeping with Swedish customs, we are no longer going to use the name 'KU Women's Basketball Team.' Instead, we are trying to think of an acronym. Preferably something with two As in a row. Something like KUWAABT, for KU Women's Athletic Achievers Basketball Team. We're still working on it though, because we really want some umlauts in there."
Shue admitted he did not know any Swedish women personally, but still stands by his statement that they are "so cool."
Other changes include playing ABBA and Ace of Base songs and serving pickled fish.
HSSU.