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This page is satire. All names are made up, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Other use of real names is accidental or coincidental.
Questions or comments? Contact Adam Pracht, satire editor, at 864-4810 or apracht@kansan.com
TONGUEINBEAK
WWW.KANSAN.COM/SATIRE
THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 21, 2002
Kansas origami team folds under pressure
By Patrick Cady
beak@kansan.com
Kansan satire writer
The creased face of Takeshi Norebu, Yokahama, Japan, sophomore, seemed to epitomize the emotions of the KU origami team Friday as it came home defeated from the International Origami Championships, informally known as the Paper Cup.
"I honestly don't know what happened," Norebu said. "It appeared at first that we were doing all right, we had almost finished an origami version of the head of Keanu Reeves, but then everything seemed to fall apart."
The championships, held in the Japanese Quarter of the Italian Quarter of Toronto, marked the farthest that the
team had gotten in the cutthroat world of collegiate paper folding.
"The season) was like one great foldable ride," said William Roys, coach of the nationally renowned team. "We stuck together in the toughest parts, sure the end isn't what I wanted it to be, but still I gotta say, I'm proud of my boys ... and girls."
Despite her coach's kind words, Anna McEnanna, Maize junior and star orchid folder, still felt crumpled by the weight of defeat.
"I can't help but feel let down," McEnnanna said. "I know we went far, but having come back from that paper cut scare a few months back, I thought we were destined for greatness."
The team will take a few months off to nurse their wounds, but will begin training again in February with speed crane-
Zach Straus/Kansan
Arlo Guffy, Helena, Mont., junior, is consoleled by a teammate as he clutches his failed attempt at an origami piece entitled "80's Homage." "It was supposed to look like an origami Corey Haim making an origami copy of Corey Feldman, but Haim started to look like Leif Garrett, which somehow made Feldman look like Erik Estrada, and it just went downhill from there," Guffy sobbed.
making drills to get in shape to tackle the Valentine's Day tournaments, Roys said.
"I have to suffer for the moment."
Norebu said. "But, come February, we'll show the world what it truly means to be a paper tiger."
Tape provides evidence Billy Ray Cyrus is alive
An audio tape received by the Tongue in Beak has proved that Billy Ray Cyrus is alive. Cyrus, a country-western song artist, was believed by many to be dead. He disappeared from the music scene in 1992 after his hit song "Achy Breaky Heart" dropped off the charts.
In the tape, which was originally obtained by Rolling Stone magazine, Cyrus sings about current events, offering evidence he is still alive and still capable of vocalizing. In the most chilling segment of the tape, Cyrus threatens to begin singing songs again
Cyrus
and says he may even produce an album.
"If the voice on the tape truly is him, then we should all be scared," Preston McGinnis, Topeka senior, said. "Naturally, I assumed he must be dead or something. I mean, no one had seen him or heard anything about him in, like, 10 years. I just hope we are able to stop him from creating new songs."
The FBI is analyzing the tape to confirm the voice does indeed belong to Cyrus. Upon confirmation, President George Bush intends to stop Cyrus from unleashing new songs in the United States by declaring war on Iraq.
Brandon Gay
Heaven to re-release 'Bible' in DVD format
By Ben Ross beak@kansan.com Kansan satire writer
Rumors in and around heaven have begun circulating surrounding the highly-anticipated remastering of the blockbuster hit *The Bible* in DVD format. The new release will be slam-packed with never before seen scripture and behind-the-scenes interviews with big-name stars such as Jesus Steinberg, Moses McBlarney and Mary Magdelene Stallone. Also included will be biblical outtakes and director's cuts such as III Kings and the Book of Randy. Although an official release date is not set, this specially packaged bimillenial collectors' edition is expected to be divinely revealed from the heavens to Moses in time for the 2003 Christmas season.
"The Bible is such a classic and we couldn't think of a better way to bring it down to the level of a 21st century American audience."
God director and screenwriter
The new Bible will fit on three DVD discs and will include photos and screenshots of all the stars. It will also be available on single miniature DVD discs for old men to hand out to students on college campuses.
During his weekly radio address, director and screenwriter God said, "The Bible is such a classic and we couldn't think of a better way to bring it down to the level of a 21st century American audience."
The new digitally-remastered classic will utilize state-of-the-art special effects and hi-fi sound support. One highlight will be a pyrotechnical display and a performance by Kiss of its new single "I Want to Bow and Knee All Night and Pray Every Day" during the burning bush scene.
In addition to The Bible, a Jerusalem tabloid has reported that God has begun work on remastering The Bible's critically acclaimed sequel The Qu'an, due out 600 years after The Bible hits stores this winter.
EDITORIAL
by a Pay-for-Newspaper Rack
There's a certain new group of newspaper racks on campus since last year.
KUID newspaper racks a bunch of trollops
Yeah, we all know who they are. I'm talkin' bout those big white racks that give it up for free. I see them every day from where I'm bolted into the cement.
People walk up to them, pull out their little KUID, and BAM! They're open like an early morning bakery.
I can understand giving up USA Today's, but The New York Times?
They obviously have no self-respect giving up newspapers in that manner. If my mamma caught me doing that, she'd kick my glass.
saw that.
Sure, I like to give it up here or there, for man or woman, but at least I make them work for it.
Sometimes, I see even three or four people dippin' one at a time.
Call me old-fashioned, but that's just not the
They just let it all hang out all day for every one to enjoy. Scandalous!
Sure, Aunt Rosie became a Kansan rack, but we all know they have no reputation anyways.
I think that something should be done to run these trollops out of town.
I about spat my quarters out the first time I way my family has done things.
And for all those students out there, think twice before you hook up with one of those racks.
You don't know who's been using it.
.