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This page is satire. All names are made up, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Other use of real names is accidental or coincidental.
Questions or comments? Contact Adam Pracht, satire editor, at 864-4810 or apracht@kansan.com
TONGUEINBEAK
WWW.KANSAN.COM/SATIRE
THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 14, 2002
Sebelius brings changes, declares self Caesar
By Patrick Cady beak@kansan.com Kansan satire writer
Nearly a week after her gubernatorial victory in Kansas, Kathleen Sebelius declared herself "Caesar" in a ceremony that left many top political analysts speechless.
"When I heard the sound of a thousand trumpets blaring, I thought it was just a glorified high school band practice." said Elmer Schuttlich, editor of Topeka or Not Topeka: Journal of Free
Thought and a Topeka native. "But, when I saw our new govern... I mean, emperor waving her hand and wearing a crown of fig leaves, I knew something was up. At least now she's bringing the republic back to the Republicans."
The ceremony, which reportedly lasted throughout the weekend, included a gigantic feast of potato salad followed by an impromptu race at the Kansas Speedway.
Following the race Sebelius Caesar addressed the people while holding a scepter of gold-covered wheat.
"I promised change on election night, and now you have it, my people," Sebelius said. "Now, I promise even greater change for our burgeoning republic, and gladiators, lots and lots of gladiators."
Her speech was greeted with waves of people chanting "Hail Sebelius," to which she told the crowd to "never mind that whole governor-elect thing."
The ceremony made an impression on Josh Strothingford, Gypsum senior, when his fraternity mistook the event for a giant toga party.
"When we couldn't find the keg, I was a little disappointed," Strothingford said. "But watching history and the birth of a second Roman republic definitely made up for it."
Meanwhile, in Washington, D.C., a befuddled President George W. Bush held a press conference on the issue.
"When I wished Kansas much succeedment in its future, I didn't think that they'd actually secede," Bush said. "Besides, I still want their oil."
Video geeks arrested for bragging
By Henry C. Jackson
beak@kansan.com
Kansas satire writer
Authorities released two KU students from custody late last night after they were arrested early Tuesday morning for murder, inciting a riot, paying for sex and "beating some dude on the street's ass."
Although police officials initially thought the pair had embarked on a legitimate crime spree, a Lawrence police official admitted blushingly that the pair had "just been playing Grand Theft Auto: Vice City."
Lawrence police officers moved swiftly to arrest Aaron McDyess, Chicago sophomore, and Darren Drozdoff, Topeka junior, after a tip from a bartender at It's Brothers, 1105 Massachusetts St. The two apparently had held a loud conversation at the bar, bragging about their criminal escapades. An alarmed bartender quietly called the police as he served the duo alcohol late into the night. While police felt confident they had just nailed two of Lawrence's "hardest criminals," Lawrence police officer Dick Stepas admitted that the two were no threat to public safety.
"They're not guilty of anything," Stepas said. "Unless you consider talking about video games at a bar to be a crime. But that's a moral thing. I wouldn't arrest them but maybe chastise them for being losers. I mean, seriously, you bought a video game. Why are you talking about it at Brothers, with all that fine rump around?"
Drozdoff refused to comment to *Tongue in Beak*, except to say that he was "relieved" that police had sorted out the situation.
McDvess was more candid.
"I love Grand Theft Auto games," McDyess said. "I just go around beating people up. And I'm not afraid to talk to anybody about it. People might say I'm a dork for talking about it. Fine. But they're not getting a prostitute to boost their health, then furtively attacking her to get back the money you paid for her. I am."
Bloodletting criticized; club feels misunderstood
By Adrian Zink
beak@kansan.com
Kansan satire writer
For the eight members of the KU Bloodletting Club, dealing with misunderstandings of their science is a daily routine.
Pomer Guile, president of the club and Paola senior, said, "There are a lot of people that come up to us and say things like, 'You fools. Bloodletting was recognized as pure quackery in the 19th century.' You just have to let snide comments slide off your back. I mean, if we all go around ... wait a minute ... I need to sit down for a second. I'm feeling lightheaded. Whew."
The group meets every Monday night and talks about the benefits of bloodletting, and whenever one of them feels ill, the blood starts to flow.
"People think we're out of touch with science," said member Gottleib Raimey, Olathe freshman. "George Washington did bloodletting. Could the founder of the greatest nation in the world really ... oh man ... I think I'm going to pass out. It must be that sandwich I ate earlier. I need to lie down for a while."
The bloodletting club isn't the only one of its kind, said Vice President and DeSoto junior Neal Ardenhauer. There are similar chapters at the University of Old Delhi and at West Virginia Tech.
Zach Straus/Kansan
Bloodletting Club Vice-President Neal Ardenhauer, DeSoto junior lies passed out in his home Wnesday afternoon. "I use bloodletting to help me perform better on most of my everyday tasks, like cooking and cleaning the carpet," Ardehauer said. "It also gets the chicks," he added slyly.
Bush pleads for War in Iraq
Mohammad Bush, 27-year-old Iraqi, recently made a plea to bring War to Iraq.
Bush has been listening to War since he was in grade school.
"When I first heard "Low Rider," I played it over and over on our village's only record player ... that was, until the local policeman cut off all of the fingers on my right hand," Bush said through his interpreter. The plea
for War was in the form of an airmail letter addressed to War harmonica player Lee Oskar.
In the letter, Bush asked the group to include Baghdad on its upcoming tour of the Middle East. According to the band's Web site, War in Iraq is still not on this year's schedule. War could not be reached for comment.
Ben Ross
University invalidates art history
By Brandon Gay
beak@kansan.com
Kansan satire writer
"Studies have now shown that having an art history degree is actually detrimental to your career," the spokesman said. "Signs that your degree may be defective are inability to get a job, mockery from your friends and living in your parent's basement."
Kasich's parents, who occupy the upstairs portion of what Kasich calls her "cute little below-ground one-bedroom apartment," were happy to hear the news of the recall.
"After about a year of no employment, I began to wonder if something was wrong with my degree," Kasich said. "Now, I've been out of work for almost a decade and I want KU to take this degree back. I'm getting tired of the unemployment office. The copies of Renoir paintings from the late 19th century they have hanging on the walls are breathtaking. The delicate brush strokes are typical of Renoir's impressionist period. But other than that, unemployment really stinks."
"We were just so saddened to see our daughter be led astray by the University like that," Mona Kasich said. "We tried to stop her from pursuing art history, but there comes a point when you just have to let your children make their own mistakes."
The University is sending recall notices out to all holders of an art history degree, asking them to bring in their degrees in for immediate shredding. As compensation, the former graduates will be given $100 in coupons to Jayhawk Bookstore, a free course catalog so they can begin selecting a new major and a plastic basketball hoop when they sign up for a credit card.
The University of Kansas has issued an immediate recall of all art history degrees given to students during its 138-year history.
According to a University spokesman, the degrees have been found to be defective.
Janet Kasich, 1993 graduate, has been out of work for nine years since receiving her degree.