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This page is satire. All names are made up, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Other use of real names is accidental or coincidental. Questions or comments? Contact Adam Pracht, satire editor, at 864-4810 or apracht@kansan.com
TONGUEINBEAK
THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 7,2002
WWW.KANSAN.COM/SATIRE
Residents complain of 'construction'
By Adrian Zink
beak@kansan.com
Kansan satire writer
The residents of Ellsworth Hall are becoming increasingly upset at what they view as 'construction' and 'remodeling' going on in their residence hall rooms. Complaints range from walls being torn down while students try to do homework, falling bricks and showers being replaced by new ones while residents are showering.
"This is so annoying," said Manny Katz, Ratholle sophomore, "I can hardly get any privacy with all of these hardhats tearing up the walls and ceiling. Don't they realize that they can't just barge in and start tearing things down?
"What do they think they are doing, remodeling the place?"
"This is so annoying. I can hardly get any privacy with all of these dang hardhats tearing up the walls and ceiling."
Manny Katz
Ratholle sophmore
Others complain of a 'fence' surrounding the entrance to the dorm, making it difficult to enter.
"Every morning I wake up with dust and asbestos all over me," said Bile Dean, Garden City freshman, "I'm going to complain to my RA."
The University of Kansas denies any "construction conspiracies" that may be circulating among the students.
Students drop pounds with University diet
By Brandon Gay
beak@kansan.com
Kansan satire writer
Recent studies have shown that America's weight problem continues to grow, especially among young people. However, some students trying to lose weight with dieting, exercise and pills are finding success with the University of Kansas' diet plan, generally referred to as "enrollment."
The diet plan began with the founding of the University in 1864 and has been a biannual University tradition ever since. Registrar Richard C. Morrell, who oversees the workout, said it was now better than ever.
"It used to be we would just have students come to Strong Hall, form a long line, do a few jumping jacks and then have them fill out a punch card," Morrell said. "But now, we've really improved things. We still form the line, but now we make them run all over campus getting Dean's stamps, closed class openers, permits to enroll and getting parking holds removed. It's really intense. By the time they are done, they will have completed checkpoints all over campus. Plus, we keep them away from tempting food all day."
The diet plan requires all students to come to Strong Hall once every semester. Some students choose to train for the big day by going through an enrollment trial run called "advising." Others prefer to be surprised.
When students arrive at Strong Hall, they form the "line of reflection." In the line, students wait for about 30 minutes mentally preparing themselves for what is to come. After they get through the line, they are redirected to the parking department to clear their holds. Upon returning to Strong Hall, they are allowed to enroll in one or two classes before being sent on a cross-country style run around campus, collecting papers, cards and stamps.
"I lost 10 pounds this year," said Suzi Jameson, Emporia senior. "I had recently put on a lot of weight, but after all that running around campus, I fit into all of my clothes again."
Aaron Showalter/Kansan
Taylor Stroopman, Leavenworth sophomore, is on the University Diet Plan, or "enrolment". Stroopman said the plan has pushed his body and mind to new limits. "It hurts," he said, "it really hurts".
Some students worry they will regain all the weight they lost before their next enrollment session. However, Jameson said that wouldn't be a problem for her.
"After you pay for your classes, who can afford food?" she said.
Carrot Top: Russians 'complete morons'
By Henry C. Jackson beak@kansan.com Kansan satire writer
MOSCOW - Russian officials today denied being "complete morons," after comedic legend Carrot Top accused the former Communist republic of idiocy in the wake of last month's terrorist siege.
"We respect Mr. Carrot Top's position both as a dignitary and a person whose opinion my country respects," Russian President Vladimir Putin said. "However, we reject the notion that we are 'complete morons.' I think that's unfair."
Carrot Top, speaking at a press conference
"Why not start blaring audio of my comedy routines?" Carrot Top said. "That worked when I wanted to get people out of my house. Or, even better, a Gallagher comedy routine would certainly have proved the government was not playing around, without, of course, causing anyone any permanent harm."
attended by the 17 people in the world who find his 1-800-CALL-ATT ads funny, said Russian officials should have considered alternative ways to resolve the hostage situation that arose after armed Chechen rebels overtook a crowded Moscow theatre last month.
"I think Mr. Carrot Top's not fully aware of the effect that his, and Mr. Gallagher's, routines could have," Putin said. "We have to consider that the loss of life might have been less, but the permanent scarring from prolonged exposure to Mr. Carrot Top and Mr. Gallagher would make life seem not worth living for a good portion of the Russian populous. Given the alternative, we may have made the right choice."
Putin, however, rejected Carrot Top's alternative plan as both "cruel," and "just as deadly."
Carrot Top stood by his stance.
"Putin thinks he's so smart," he said. "But he's not. He's dumber than me, and I'm dumb. A complete moron. He's not funny, and he doesn't have a ginger-colored mop on his head."
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'Everybody poops' hard to accept
By Joe Stephenson
beak@kansan.com
Kansan beat writer
Lawrence resident Don Pommeroy, 31, has been asking his family and friends to help him accept the fact that everybody poops. Pommeroy said he had been struggling with that fact for about a year and a half. He said it started when he was buying a book for his son in the children's section of the bookstore and saw a book titled Everybody Poops.
"For some reason the title of the book just got to me and I have been thinking about it ever since," said Pommeroy. "Iguess I know that it's true, but I'm having trouble accepting it. I know it's a natural body function, but still, I mean it is just hard to picture some people pooing. I saw Jennifer Anniston doing an interview on TV the
"I have never seen anyone obsess over something as stupid as this. Everyone poops; get over it!"
"I know it's a natural body function, but still, I mean it is just hard to picture some people pooping." Don Pommeroy Lawrence resident
Psychologist Bryan Pinchloaf said it was normal for people to have trouble picturing other people pooping. He does admit that Pommeroy's case is special though.
Pommeroy's wife Tina said she would file for divorce if her husband continued to talk about poop.
Pommeroy went on, "this concept just blows my mind. I mean it's just so hard to picture the queen pooping, or Tiger Woods pooping or Sylvester Stalone, OK Stalone's not so hard to picture, but how about Bill Gates, even with all his money, he still poops."
other day and all I could think about was, gee, she's gotta poop sometime."
"This is just ridiculous, we can't even watch a movies anymore without him pointing at the screen and saying, 'That guy there, you know he poops,'" Tina said. "It is wrecking our marriage, and above all else he needs to spend less time thinking about poop and more time with our son."