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This page is satire. All names are made up, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Other use of real names is accidental or coincidental. Questions or comments? Contact Adam Pracht, satire editor, at 864-4810 or apracht@kansan.com
TONGUEINBEAK
WWW.KANSAN.COM/SATIRE
THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 31, 2002
Force opens gate to hell
Zach Straus/Kansan
Brebeca Ramrod, Topka junior and Countless Forces of Utter Darkness member, prepares for the animal sacrifice portion of the evening in front of the KU Visitor's Center Wednesday.
By Patrick Cady
beak@kansan.com
Kansan satire writer
Shards from bottles of fermented pig blood were all that was left after The Countless Forces of Utter Darkness (CFUD) commemorated its newest "Gate to Hell" last night. The gate, located in front of the KU Visitors' Center near the intersection of 15th and Iowa streets, was the first to be opened after the famous "Sickly Yellow Gate" was razed in Stull last spring.
“(the construction) was a beautiful thing,” said Darius Malfeasance, Sub Demon first class and project foreman. “Once the humans finished their meaningless work, we saw we had something really amazing.”
Malfeasance first pitched the idea of the newest gate to his superiors three days after the "Sickly Yellow Gate" hit the ground.
"When it fell, we knew we had a problem," Malfeasance said. "So I went up to the big Horned Guy and pitched the idea. He was pretty jazzed."
KU administrators and faculty, however, weren't so jazzy.
"This is an unadulterated outrage," said Wimbley Scott, professor of architecture and theology. "That gate should give visitors a first taste of KU's beautiful landscape and welcome them. Not, I repeat, trap their immortal souls."
Hiram "Mick" Luden-Feldmeisten, Abilene sophomore, is ambivalent about the gate.
"I guess the CFUD already had a presence
here with Starbucks, so maybe this gate is the next natural step," Luden-Feldmeisten said. "I mean, I've passed the thing for weeks. At least now it has some sort of purpose."
Area trick-or-treater not too old
By Joe Stephenson
beak@kansan.com
Kansan scripter writer
Mike Bond loves Halloween. He dresses up every year to go trick-or-treating. While this may be acceptable for a six-year-old, Mike draws a lot of stares at 46.
"I just can't resist the idea of getting to dress up as someone else, and then getting free candy to boot." Bond said.
Bond said the whole idea of Halloween got him excited. He said he started to plan in mid-June because he "goes all out" with unusual decorations.
"One year I really wanted to do sort of a 'Ghosts of the Wild Kingdom' theme, but I had a really hard time finding dead animals," he said. "I could find parts, but to get whole animal corpses I ended up collecting road kill at the last minute. I'm never doing that again."
Bond's passion for Halloween is seen as a strange obsession by his neighbors.
Neighbor Debbie Pubés said Bond kind of scared her. Pubés, who lives two doors down from Bond, does not let her eight-year-old son go near Bond.
"Every year he has asked if he could go
"One year I really wanted to do sort of a 'Ghosts of the Wild Kingdom' theme, but I had a really hard time finding dead animals."
Mike Bond
46-year-old trick-or-treater
trick-or-treating with my kid," Pubés said. "I just kind of shrugged it off as weird. Last year was different. He dressed up as a clown and had this creepy John Wayne Gacy quality about him."
Bond has dressed up in an variety of costumes from the truly scary to the strange and obscure.
"One year I went as Jason from the Friday the 13th movies," he said. "Then as this girl who wouldn't date me in school. The next year I was a 1988 Lincoln Town Car. And then I went as CNN's Lou Dobbs. Not many people got that last one."
Rejected Halloween costumes:
Campus masturbator. Reason: Only one hand to grab candy.
Chancellor Hemenway. Reason: All right. It wasn't rejected — just not in the top 25.
Jayhawk with visible genitalia. Reason: We really don't want to know where baby Jay came from.
Kansas football player. Reason: More pathetic than scary.
Roy Williams, Reason: Blatant sacrilege; prone to use the word "dadqum" while in costume.
Fully-bathed hippy. Reason: Neither here nor there.
Inappropriate Halloween candies:
Enron Payday
Anthrax puffs
Gummy Manginos
Good n' Sweatv
Jack Daniel's Wax Bottles
Big clumps of dirt
Momma's Famous Blow Pops
Spittles
Butteredfinger
Red Tots
IN OTHER NEWS...
- Complete moron buys Halloween turkey to put under tree
Tongue in Beak learns how to spell "deal"
Sebelius best pick for governor
By Brandon Gay beak@kansan.com kansan satis writer
Most students will vote for Democrat Dennis Moore or Republican Adam Taff for Congress.
However, according to the ads, Kathleen Sebelius is no George Washington either. She will strongly consider seceding from the union and joining Mexico. I love Mexican food. No problem there. But ads also showed her being mean to the elderly and kicking dogs. Sebelius thinks abortion should not only be legal, but mandatory for population control.
Moore is a thrice-convicted felon. He is an ax-murderer, a friend of Osama Bin Laden and voted to enforce the death penalty on anyone over the age of 75 in order to fix social security.
College is a time for new experiences and exciting firsts. Most students, for the first time, experience things such as living away from home, doing laundry and waking up in the morning with underwear on their head wondering who they are and, more importantly, who the person next to them is.
However, in between all the fun public displays of undergarments, come some new responsibilities, such as voting. Fortunately, we have campaign advertising to help. Those delightful campaign ads tell us which candidates favor what, which ones are captive to special interests and which ones are blood-sucking neo-Nazis.
Your choices for governor are Democrat Kathleen Sebelius and Republican Tim Shallenburger.
Before voting for Shallenburger, you should check out his opponent's television ads. Not only is he wrong for Kansas, he hates little children. He wants to ban textbooks, and, as a state representative, voted three times to put drugs into schools.
Taff doesn't return his neighbors' tools when he borrows them.
I am voting for Sebelius. I just hate to think of little children being given heroine with their milk.
Moore is getting my vote. I just hate it when people forget to return stuff.
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You shouldn't believe everything on television. I don't believe U.S. Senate candidate Pat Roberts murdered his entire family in the 1980s and is living under an assumed name. I also heard Sebelius compared driving on I-70 to the Sept. 11, 2001 terrorist attacks. Where do they get this stuff?