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- **T this page is satire.** All names are made up, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Other use of real names is accidental or coincidental.
- **Questions or comments? Contact Adam Pracht, satire editor, at 864-810 or apracht@kansan.com**
TONGUEINBEAK
THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN
WWW.KANSAN.COM/SATIRE
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 24, 2002
Lindsev Gold/Kansan
Man fails to impress
um. However, Brown's attempt to impress the hot chick working out next to him failed miserably, ending with Brown getting a hernia instead.
By Joe Stephenson Kansan satire writer
Last Thursday afternoon, Pete Brown, Lexington, Ky., junior, was working out at Robinson Gymnasium, as he does about four times every week. This particular workout, however, taught Brown a life lesson he will never forget — don't try to lift more than you can to impress a woman, even if she is particularly hot.
"If she had not walked into the weight room I never would have even thought about attempting to lift that much weight," he said. "But this girl was hot, I mean hot. She had a pretty face and this amazing athletic body, and she had her hair pulled back in this ponytail, which for some reason just made her look really hot. Oh, and man, her skin was so damn smooth. Plus, she was wearing SpanDEX."
"You know, it started out like any other workout," Brown said. "I was just in there, you know, pushing some steel, trying to bulk up. I'd been in there about 15 minutes when this unbelievably hot chick walks in. Well, she starts working out right next to me, and so I had to add to my stack because I just know she was checking me out to see just how strong I was."
Any attempt to impress the attractive woman was negated by Brown dropping the barbell and assuming the fetal position on the floor out of sheer pain.
Brown said he normally did not push himself too hard at the gym, but this was a special exception.
Brown's problems began when he tried to lift a barbell with 30 more pounds on it than he usually lifts. He got in one complete, excruciating curl before giving himself a hernia.
"Man that was some wicked bad pain, and right by my penis too," he said.
After falling to the floor he was helped up by Kelly Trooph, Manhattan sophomore, who Brown described as "not bad looking." Trooph described the scene after Brown dropped his
"Everyone was looking at him because he was doubled over breathing like he was trying hard not to cry. I helped him up, and he tried to act all macho about it, but his face was a weird pale white color and there were tears welling up in his eyes."
"I had to act cool, like the pain was no big deal, because that nurse was truly hot, and man, I could not let her think I was a wuss."
Brown then drove himself to the hospital where he waited for five hours to be examined. He could have gotten in sooner, but kept telling the admissions nurse that he was not in much pain.
barbell.
"This one time I was doing some leg presses
This experience was not the first time that Brown has ended up making a fool of himself while triving to impress a woman at the gym.
and this really, really hot chick starts stretching out right next to me, and well, I overdid it. While doing one of the presses I let out a really loud fart. Man, that was bad. I couldn't even pretend like it was just a noise I made while shifting around on the vinyl seat, I mean, it was bad."
As for the woman Brown was trying to impress at the gym, he has no idea who she was—and has no plans to contact her.
Brown's doctor said that Brown's hernia was not life-threatening, but did need surgery. He expected Brown to make a full recovery.
"I don't know if I'd really want to talk to her," he said. "That was just a deal where I wanted that chick to think I was stronger than I really am. I wasn't planning on talking to her or anything. I just like chicks to think I am really buff."
Bush challenges Hussein to deul
By Henry C. Jackson
Kansan satire writer
WASHINGTON — As a result of mounting pressure from Saddam Hussein's challenge to a duel in the desert, President George W. Bush responded with a challenge of his own last night at a press conference that was not televised. Network officials said they thought the latest episode of Will and Grace was more important than international news.
"I challenge any Iraqi, Saddam or any of the others, to a World Wrestling Federation-style wrestling match," Bush said, as crickets chirped audibly. "I'll take that chemical weapon-hiding
Bush made his response at the press conference.
jabroni, and whoop his candy butt."
Bush's plan calls for a WWF-style ring to be built in a neutral location and the hiring of a special guest referee, whom Bush has not yet named. On the list of candidates is the ghost of Mao Zedong, who, as far as international politics go, is "neither here nor there," a source close to Bush said.
"You can't figure him out, so how could they accuse us of not being fair?" the government source said. "He's a Commie, which makes him hate our capitalist rears, and none too pleased with religious fundamentalists or loopy dictators. I'd wager."
Esteemed comedian Gallagher is also being considered for the guest referee slots.
"He's so crazy, he can't be unfair." a Tongue In
Mouth
Beak source said. Former presidential candidate Ross Perot is another possible candidate for a referee, purportedly because he thinks everyone is out to get him. International "film" star Jenna Jameson is the final contender because "She's hot. With a capital H."
Iraqi response to Bush's press conference was positive; Arab television station Al-Jazeera quoted Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein as saying he would "open a can of whoop ass," on Bush. Hussein finished his statement by asking Bush if he "smelled what the desot was cooking."
Bush said pre-fight competitors for the event could include luminaries such as Colin Powell, former attorney general Janet Reno for "T and A," and Donald Rumsfeld, the pansy of what Bush called his Capitol Gang.
Crawler takes first baby steps
By Brandon Gay Kansan satire writer
The crawler said its first words across CNN's screen after the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks and now the crawler is beginning to walk.
The CNN news crawler, the device that scrolls headlines across the bottom of the screen on CNN, is growing up.
"When it started to walk, we were all very excited," CNN anchor Judy Woodruff said. "But, now it's really growing up and that's sad. Soon it will be leaving CNN and going off and starting a news network on its own."
Woodruff said she thought the news ticker might make some bad decisions in the future but there wasn't much she could do about it.
"It's going to date the Fox News stock ticker. I just know it," Woodruff said. "I don't like that thing. It's not good enough for our baby! I hate the way it just goes around apathetically flashing huge losses of real people's money. But when tickers grow up, they just won't listen to anchors anymore."
As young as the news ticker is, it's already beginning to experiment with alcohol, according to Woodruff. Last Saturday it got drunk and scrolled across the bottom of the screen: "The stupider Wolf Blitzter talks, the longer he sounds... California considers lowering legal drinking age. Whoo hoo!...This just in: Larry King is a big dork..."
There was speculation the ticker was drunk again when it reported the Anaheim Angels made it to the World Series. CNN insists it was sober and that the Angels actually did make it to the World Series.
By Patrick Cady
Kansan satire writer
Rocker dies in tight T-shirt
Quinn Finn, a self-described indie-rock superstar and post-modern guitarist, suffocated to death yesterday in a tight, yellow jem and the Hologram's T-shirt. Finn, Seattle, Ohio, senior, was last seen rocking out with Thomas Dolby in his apartment.
The T-shirt, recently purchased from the Nevada Swapping Emporium, was two-and-a-half sizes too small for Finn, yet "wickedly attractive" according to Finn's sometimes ex-girlfriend Muffie Kong, Taipei, Taiwan, junior.
"Quinn told me he thought that shirt was metaphorically triumphant," Kong said. "I didn't know what he meant exactly, but it matched his Pumas perfectly."