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- This page is satire. All names are made up, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Other use of real names is accidental or coincidental.
- Questions or comments? Contact Adam Pracht, satire editor, at 864-4810 or apracht@kansan.com
TONGUEINBEAK
THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN
WWW.KANSAN.COM/SATIRE
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 10, 2002
University unveils plan to raise graduation rates
namous Bic midterm in his Pen Construction 582 class.
studied students like Sabien now have a variety of interests to pur-
John Nowak/Kansan
By Brandon Gay
Kansan satire writer
Picking a major is about to get easier at the University of Kansas. Thanks to the addition of 20 new majors, University officials think they can significantly reduce the number of third- and fourth-year seniors.
According to Registrar Richard C. Morrell, of the 28,000 students enrolled at the University, about 10,000 "don't have a frigging clue what they want to do with their life."
The plan is to add fun majors students will be excited about picking — majors they will stick with and eventually graduate with. A few of the fun new majors include foosball table operation, nutrition with an emphasis in beer consumption and game show hosting. KU wants to become one of the top 25 clearinghouses in the nation for graduates by 2015.
Marty McMullen, Chicago senior and master of general studies, applauded the University's new plan.
"Take it from a fourth-year senior who has a masters degree in general studies, picking a major can be hard," McMullen said. "But, I'm switching to disk golf history and I plan to stick with it. It's either that or become a doctor of general studies specializing in generality."
McMullen said he chose disk golf history over other useless majors such as comprehensive armpit farting, ink pen refill installation and art history.
Henry C. Jackson, Kansan satire writer, said
he would switch his major to yellow journalism and go into making up news professionally.
"I've always wanted to be a journalist, but I've never been that fond of talking to people, checking facts or, well, journalism I guess," Jackson
said. "But I can do something like yellow journalism. I will seek the believable and report it."
Jackson said he would most likely work for Fox News in the President Clinton rumors division.
Local man eager to appear on radio
By Joe Stephenson Kansan satire writer
"I just had to do it, I couldn't hold back any longer," said Nate Kingsbury, when asked why he felt he had to call a local AM radio talk show.
"They were talking about banning smoking in public places, and I just thought, hey, I should say something," Kingsbury, Lawrence resident, said.
And say something he did. Kingsbury called the Ben Steadman show on KSLT 850 Tuesday afternoon and spoke his mind.
"They were getting all these calls that were like, 'Hey, we need to ban smoking in more public places,'" Kingsbury said. "So I called and said there needs to be some places where smokers can go and hang out. We can't ban smoking in all restaurants. Man, smokers got to go someplace and eat."
Kingsbury is not a smoker himself, but said
"I just had to do it, I couldn't hold back any longer." Nate Kingsbury Radio call-in guest
he "likes to stand up for people who get dumped on all the time" and that smokers "kind of get the shaft."
"You know, for a few minutes I was famous," he said. "A lot of people listen to the radio, and to be a part of the electronic media like that — wow — it's just awesome.
The best part of the call, Kingsbury said, was actually being on the air.
Kingsbury seemed to not care that 850 AM has a terrible signal and does not register with any of the ratings services.
impressed with her husband's radio appearance.
"All he has been talking about since he made that call is how cool he is for making it on the radio," she said. "And he thinks he is such a wonderful advocate because he spoke up for people who want to smoke in restaurants. It's not like he spoke out for some really important issue, or that he had a really huge audience. You know, I bet the only guy listening was some old man who gets too riled up watching TV."
Kingsbury's wife, Shannon, was not
Kingsbury shared his final thought on the subject.
"I am really glad I called in and spoke my mind. It's really great that a guy like me can make it big and get on the radio to exercise his free speech. We have a lot of freedoms that we take for granted in this country. You know, if we ever lose our right to speak out on afternoon talk shows, or we aren't able to smoke in restaurants, then the terrorists have already won."
Recently deceased Lawrence man will not be missed
By Brandon Gay
Kansan satire writer
The family, friends and neighbors of Lawrence resident George Madison, 56, who died of a heart attack Monday, said he would not be missed. Social scientists said this was perhaps the first time a dead person wouldn't be missed.
In addition, scientists said this might also be the first time a recently deceased person had been described as anything other than a terrific, honest, fun person who would do anything for anybody.
"He was really quite a jerk," said Jose Martinez, Madison's neighbor. "He never said 'hello' to me, he always seemed grumpy and one time he kicked my dog."
"God loved George Madison," Daubach said. "But I doubt he's in heaven. That butthole is probably getting what he deserves as I speak."
Dorothy Madison, George's mother, said her son wasn't very smart and was the type of person that would never go out of his way to help anyone.
"I guess I loved him, but I'm really pretty glad he's gone," Madison said. "I know you're not supposed to say that about someone when they die, but I guess I just don't feel like making a bunch of stuff up about him being smart and wonderful. The truth is, George was a big, dumb idiot who didn't really like anybody."
George's only friends, Harry and Nellie Ferguson, ran the grocery store around the corner from his house.
"He would always come in and buy macaroni and cheese dinners in bulk," Harry Ferguson said. "I guess he was an OK guy and a good customer, but I really don't think we are going to miss him that much. Next week when he doesn't come in, well, I guess it just isn't going to seem much different."
Rev. John Daubach said a few words of eulogy at Madison's funeral.
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