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- This page is satire. All names are made up, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Other use of real names is accidental or coincidental.
- Questions or comments? Contact Adam Pracht, satire editor, at 864-4810 or apacht@kansan.com
国际海运
TONGUEINBEAK
WWW.KANSAN.COM/SATIRE
THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN
THURSDAY,OCTOBER 3,2002
Lawrence running low on sober people
By Brandon Gay
beak@kansan.com
Kansan sati writer
John Nowak/Kansan
Last week, a University Daily Kansan article revealed some students are having trouble finding marijuana in Lawrence. The Tongue in Beak has learned those same students are also having trouble finding their houses, their cars and their left hands.
About 20,000 University of Kansas students, who would all prefer to remain anonymous, told the Tongue in Beak it was really hard to find marijuana and other drugs when you were already drunk or stoned.
"Of course I have trouble finding weed, man," said Aaron Foley, Lenexa junior. "Most nights I have trouble finding my house. You expect me to find marijuana?"
Having a hard time locating more alcohol and drugs is just one problem caused by an increasing shortage of sober people in Lawrence and at KU.
"With the University here, it's becoming a big problem," said, Sue Hack, Lawrence mayor. "We need sober people to run the government, go to work and drive everyone else home."
According to Hack, the city is in negotiations with Eudora to begin a sober-people for funpeople citizen exchange.
Some KU students say they are having trouble finding sober students to tell them who they are, where they live and how they can get rid of the crazy purple stars.
"Sometimes, I just wish I could find a sober guy—just one," said one student who could not remember her name. "It gets hard to find classes and stuff when everyone else is stoned or drunk, too."
The lack of sober students is causing other problems, as well. According to the KU parking department, the main reason parking space is so limited is because about 10,000 cars have been
The infamous KU dope fiend known only as "Manchild" deperatey runs Dasiy Hill parking in search of his 95 Honda Civic. "Man, sometimes I get really faded...it's tough looking for the Civ' at night. The worst part is that it's black and that makes it even harder because it's dark n' stuff."
abandoned on campus by students who parked them while under the influence and now can't remember where they are.
However, it's not all bad news for the University, said a KU official. "We have the lowest sober student to teacher ratio in the big 12 and that's quite an accomplishment," said the official. "After all, sober students are the ones who attend most of the classes. Currently our sober student to teacher ratio is a phenomenal 1:1."
Corporation to rename country
Effective January 1, 2003, the United States of America will become the Verizon Wireless States of America. President Bush unveiled the new name and revealed the details of the nation's first corporate partnership during his weekly radio address on Friday.
The deal between the federal government and the nation's largest mobile service provider comes partially in response to the ongoing budget crisis, and will generate $14.7 billion over the course of the next 30 years.
The agreement also provides for a special "presidential package" rate plan for Bush
and cabinet members which will include 350 anytime minutes, unlimited nights and weekends, caller ID and free long distance for only $29.95 a month. Subscribers will also receive a coupon for $5 off any Verizon phone accessory. "I am truly looking forward to America's new partnership with Verizon Wirefree" Bush said from his Texas ranch. "And this free nights and weekends package is simply spantabulous."
Bush spent the remainder of his day deciding whether to use his $5 coupon on a holster for his new phone or a zebra-patterned face plate.
Ben Ross
Local man blunders in serious relationship
By Robert Perkins and Ian Ostrander beak@kansan.com Kansan satire writers
Topeka sophomore Eric Weiss, 19, committed an egregious error and destroyed what had previously been a flawless relationship.
Until Friday, his now ex-girlfriend Sarah Walker, 20, would have described their dating experience as "idyllic" and "really, really special."
Now, however, his gross negligence has irreparably damaged any chance of a future together.
According to Sarah, "This is so over. I even deleted him from my AIM buddy list."
Last Friday would have been the couple's six and a-half week anniversary, had Weiss not failed to acknowledge the fact with a simple bouquet of roses and instead gone to study at Watson Library.
“It's not like I wanted him to take me out to a fancy dinner or anything,” Walker explained. "It's not like it was a whole-week anniversary. I just wanted him to appreciate this special day."
Weiss was stunned by the ensuing break up.
"While I was at Watson, she called my place and yelled at my roommate for an hour using big words from her psychology classes before he finally broke down crying," Weiss said. "He didn't talk to me for three solid days."
"While I was at Watson, she called my place and yelled at my roommate for an hour using big words from her psychology classes before he finally broke down crying. He didn't talk to me for three solid days."
Eric Weiss
Topeka sophomore
Although they are no longer together, life goes on for the ex-couple. While Weiss has turned to seclusion and study, Walker now uses Internet chat rooms to facilitate serious relationships.
"My new boyfriend is a really, really special person named shyguy69," Walker said. "In fact, he just proposed to me. We're going to have the most idyllic marriage ever. I can't wait to meet him face-to-face."
Bush turns attention to Scandinavian threat
By Henry C. Jackson
beak@kansan.com
Kansan satire writer
Under increasing pressure from the rest of the world to cool his fiery stance on Iraq, President Bush has turned his attentions to the growing threat of turmoil in Scandinavia, declaring the region an area "of extremely high interest" to national security at a press conference yesterday.
"They make me very,very nervous," Bush said of Scandinavians. "They
live about half of the year in darkness. Who's to say what they're doing?"
When asked what about the region made him nervous, Bush said finances was a big concern.
"Neither Denmark nor Sweden accepted the Euro as their currency," Bush
said. "Does anybody, I mean anybody, really know what a 'Krona' is?"
A representative of the Bush administration said British prime minister Tony Blair assured Bush that the United Kingdom would be behind any military action undertaken by the U.S.
It was thought initially that Blair would not support a U.S. attack on Scandinavia unless it excluded Sweden, which Britain has close ties with.
In particular, Blair worried that England's soccer manager, Sven Goran Erikson.
a Swede, would intentionally sabotage upcoming matches as revenge for the attacks.
"We realized that we aren't even as good at soccer as the Americans anymore." Blair said. "That's when I told Bush 'let's dance boyo.'"
With Britain's support, Bush thinks he can act swiftly to avoid a Scandinavian-led attack, such as Vikings' reunion tour or a Danish pastry bomb.
"We'll not be sold down the fjord by terrorism," Bush said. "I don't
care how efficient their health care system is."
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