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This page is satire. All names are made up, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Other use of real names is accidental or coincidental.
Questions or comments? Contact Adam Pracht, satire editor, at 864-4810 or apracht@kansan.com
TONGUEINBEAK
WWW.KANSAN.COM/SATIRE
THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 26, 2002
University liable before U.N.
John Nowak/Kansan
Bjorn Kyckcykt, Austin, Texas, sophomore, crumples a ticket he received from the KU Parking department for illegally parking his scooter. Kyckcykt said he had become increasingly frustrated with the university administration. "Bjorn mad! Bjorn smash puny KU."
By Brandon Gay
Kansan satire writer
After completing a month-long investigation into the University of Kansas, U.N. weapons inspectors are reporting that the University has weapons of mass frustration.
In what was supposed to be a routine probe into the world's major academic centers, U.N. inspectors discovered the University possesses weapons capable of messing up enrollment, overcharging for books, overselling parking spaces and creating general confusion about campus procedures.
"It has become very clear, very fast that KU has the ability to frustrate the masses," U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan said. "Not only do they possess these weapons, they appear to be using them. What now must be done is a decision the President of the United States and the Security Council will have to make."
Yesterday, White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer said the President would consider an all-out military invasion of the University if the weapons of mass frustration could not be demolished.
Fleischer said the United States might attempt to disable KU's frustration capabilities by turning Wescoe into the parking garage it was intended to be, destroying enrollment centers in Strong Hall to force online enrollment and distributing information booklets to students. Removal of bureaucrats from office is a possibility, but unlikely to be achieved without military force, according to a senior White House official.
U. N. inspectors are unsure if the University has the missile technology to transfer the weapons of mass frustration to other colleges around the world. However, Annan did say that if it didn't already have the technology, it was working hard to acquire it.
"Having these weapons and using them on their own students is bad enough," Annan said. "But the ability to threaten the free world with frustration is a very scary possibility."
The University could not be reached for comment by the Tongue in Beak, but its answering machine said it wanted to be as helpful as possible in answering all student questions. It
urged the Beak to please try again tomorrow during business hours when the University would give us the phone number of someone who had the e-mail address of someone who had a phone number we could call to find out who we could talk to in order to confirm this story.
University fixes Y2K bug
The KU Technology Department is wrapping up its Y2K compliance process this month and expects the campus to be fully Y2K compliant by mid-October. The process, which costs $2.3 million, has ensured that all computers and electronic devices on campus will be fully equipped to deal with the "millennium bug." The Y2K compliance plan is part of phase two of the KU First Technology Initiative, which began in 1994.
Ben Ross
KU bookstore holds degree buy back
The KU Bookstore has begun a massive buy back program of used degree certificates. Those students, who upon graduation have discovered their degrees to be worthless in their futile job searches, may sell them back to the bookstore beginning tomorrow.
Depending on availability, students can expect to receive anywhere from seven to 12 percent of the cost of the degree in return.
According to KU bookstore employee Stan Copperpot, this is almost twice the value returned to students for textbook buy backs.
"Like textbooks, most KU students find their degrees to be of little or no use once they finish their time at KU," Copperpot said.
Ben Ross
Fashion today: KU student tries trend setting
By Joe Stephenson Kansan satire writer
Robert Clancy, Fargo, N.D., sophomore, has high aspirations for a new style of fashion he invented. Clancy said he wanted to become a well-known trend setter with a previously unseen way to dress. He regularly dresses in a neoprene wet suit and Dutch wooden clogs, accessorizing with a cowboy hat and gardening gloves.
and gardening goers.
"No one is dressing like this right now, and as far as I know, never has. I see this as truly creative, no one would even think to dress like this unless I had invented it," Clancy said. "I am going to be famous one day for getting people to dress like this."
going to be taken on campus, however, there have been no apparent converts to Clancy's new way of dressing. In the course of three days, no one but Clancy was seen dressed in a wet suit.
Denise Throw, Omaha, Neb., sophomore said Clancy's new style was absurd.
"I just find the way he dresses totally absurd." Throw said. "I cannot understand why you would wear a wet suit to class.
And then to wear wooden shoes with it, that blows my mind. I cannot even comprehend what anybody finds appealing about that. It is just stupid."
Clancy, however, remains optimistic.
"This is so going to catch on," he said. "Soon all of the clothing makers will be begging me to be able to copy my idea. Just watch; it will catch on."
Art Cooper, editor of GQ doubts Clancy's new way of dressing will ever catch on.
"Let me tell you something, this guy is completely dumb," Cooper said. "There is no stylistic or functional reason to dress in neoprene. My god, that guy is a moron. How does this guy think that wooden clogs look good with neoprene?"
Cooper continued on a 30-minute diatribe about how Clancy is "a friggin' moron" and why he should be "publicly flogged with his clogs."
Clancy is relentless though.
"I don't care what anybody says," he said. "In a few months, we will see that my new way of dressing will have caught on. Just watch."
Zach Straus/Kansan
Robert Clancy, Fargo, N.D., sophomore, poses at work in one half of the items involved in his 'soon to catch on' fashion craze. Because of a dress code at his place of business. Clancy, reaggregated, was not allowed to wear the other half of his get-up: a wet suit and clogs.