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This page is satire. All names are made up, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Other use of real names is accidental or coincidental. Questions or comments? Contact Adam Pracht, satire editor, at 864-4810 or apracht@kansan.com
TONGUEINBEAK
THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN
WWW.KANSAN.COM/SATIRE
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 19,2002
A board has rate drops to pre-Sent 11 levels KII Procrastinators Club to meet today tomorrow or mayhe the day after that Readers don't get last week's "ButterBurger" article
By Brandon Gay
beak@kansan.com
Kansan satire writer
After the huge success of the University Daily Kansan special section "Sex on the Hill" Sept. 16, the Kansan will produce a special section next week with a more mature target audience.
"Sex Over the Hill" will contain news, features and opinion columns geared towards faculty, staff and administration.
"University of Kansas students love 'Sex on the Hill,'" said Kansan editor Jay Krall, who quickly clarified he was talking about the newspaper. "But, from the phone calls we have received, it seems our older readers don't necessarily want to know where they can buy sex toys, what corners of the library are good for a quickie and they certainly aren't interested in the true definition of a virgin."
"Sex Over the Hill" will feature an article on all the hot new bridge clubs seniors are hooking up at, a feature on why teeth are the ticket to over-the-hill romance and a special column by Kansan Sex Columnist Meghan Bainum titled "Holding hands can be sort of stimulating."
According to Carol Seager, director of Watkins Memorial Health Center, the center will not pass out copies of "Sex Over the Hill" with complementary condoms at Wescoe Beach, like they did with "Sex on the Hill."
they did with "Sex on the Hill." Instead, the
Kansan has arranged for retired Kansas Senator Bob Dole to pass out "Sex Over the Hill" with complimentary samples of Viagra.
Malcolm Gibson, Kansan general manager, said he was thrilled with the imagination staffers have shown with the project.
Even some young students are anticipating the special section. Marcus Zwigler, Eudora senior, said he was especially looking forward to tips on keeping his original teeth.
"Right now, I couldn't get a date to save my life," Zwigler said. "But, I figure the older I get, the less it's going to be about good looks, intelligence and personality and the more it will be about teeth. I actually have teeth, and I think old chicks dig them."
"It's great that these young people can get such a good grasp on what the more mature members of the KU community are looking for," he said. "You know, some people think as you get older your sex life just stops. I think after reading 'Sex Over the Hill,' me and my lovely wife might even be ready to watch that Sex and the City show on HBO together. We've been looking for a new show ever since Murder She Wrote off the air. Don't tell my wife, but Angela Lansbury is hot. Is she still alive? Gosh, I hope so."
Retired mathematics professor Elsie Crane agreed with Madison. "I just love a man with some teeth," Crane said. "The more teeth, the better."
Man'rescues'felines
By Henry C. Jackson
beak@kansan.com
Kansan sature writer
Faces in the Crowd
Every face in the crowd and every name in the phonebook has a story behind it. So when he feels like it, Kansan satire writer
Henry C. Jackson tells the story of a randomly selected KU student. Sometimes, that story goes terribly wrong...
Some people love cats, and some people hate them. For Alex Gartleman, Lawrence junior, cats are what life is all about.
Gartleman is a University of Kansas student by day, but by night he is what he calls "a cat collecting professional."
Others might describe Gartleman with a simpler, if pejorative term; cattapper.
According to Gartleman, who lives by himself in a poorly-maintained house on Ohio Street, felines are the finest creatures in the world.
That's why every weekend Gartleman, armed with a burlap sac — and what he calls cat-like instincts — roams the back streets of Lawrence, scooping up stray kitties and bringing them home.
What Gartleman does with the cats once he retrieves them is unknown — he denied numerous requests to see the inside of his rather pungent-smelling home.
Garlteman's mother, Colleen Garlteman was unsure what role the cats played in her sons life.
Amysterious fellow
"I don't know what he does with all those [cats]," Colleen Gartler said. "One day his freshman year, he just started bringing cats around the house. My husband and I were concerned, but we have to support our son."
Gartleman said he did not have many
Zach Straus/Kansan
Alex Gartleman, Lawrence junior holds up a photo of one of the cats he has "saved." As friends and relatives alike have noted, the only thing that matches the enthusiasm with which he carries out his crusade is the pure creepiness of it.
human friends, though he named dozens of cats who he said "could have a drink of warm milk with him anytime."
Neighbors Disturbed
While some animal rights activists support Gartleman's vigilante cat collection, his neighbors on Ohio Street are worried that Gartleman is overstepping his bounds.
"My cat is gon'z." Jud Buschler, Olathe sophomore, said. "I know he had something to do with it. He'll walk around Ohio Street getting more than just stray cats. He'll try to lure them away from houses too."
Gartleman said he had never knowingly stolen a cat that someone owned.
"I'm like the statue of liberty — I want the poor, the weary, the huddled masses, but only cats," Gartleman said. "If a cat doesn't like its home, if it's had a rough childhood, I try to give it refuge."
Still, some Ohio Street residents find Gartleman abnormal.
"I guess he rids the street of stray cats, though I'm not sure it was that big a problem in the first place," Alisa Dreazen, Chicago, Ill., sophomore, said. "But he's really, really odd while he does it."
Professor annoys students with improper word usage
By Joe Stephenson
beak@kansan.com
kansan scribe writer
University of Kansas art history professor Scott Boeger has earned the ire of his students in an effort to expand their vocabulary. On the first day of class, Boeger told his students they needed to "delineate their readings regularly."
Ben Rooney, Great Bend sophomore, said, "I am going to go with the assumption that he meant to say 'read the texts' and just read them."
Boeger said his friends needed to elevate
their English as well. He recently told a group of friends that he would "like to ascertain" with them at a local pub.
Rich Miller, one of Boeger's friends, said "If Scott wants to use big words he really needs to look up those words."
Boeger said he enjoyed using a large vocabulary. He admits that when he hears a new word he usually does not bother to learn its meaning before using it.
"Hey, the way I matriculate my irascible vocabulary is part of who I am," he said. "Other people should funiculate [sic] like I do. The world would be a better place."
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