15
This page is satire. All names are made up, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Other use of real names is accidental or coincidental.
Questions or comments? Contact Adam Pracht, satire editor, at 864-4810 or apracht@kansan.com
TONGUEINBEAK
THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN
WWW.KANSAN.COM/SATIRE
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 12, 2002
Alice Hobarth, Tonganoxie sophomore, reacts in disgust when Dante Babach, Gienview, Ill., junior, informs her that McDonalds actually makes their french fries out of potatoes. Eric Braem/Kansan
McDonalds introduces veggie-free french fries
Eric Braem/Kansan
By Brandon Gay Kansan satire writer
Responding to the backlash from a recent fat reduction of their french fries, McDonalds announced yesterday they would begin moving towards 100 percent vegetable-free french fries.
The reaction to the fat reduction was overwhelmingly negative, according to Michael Roberts, president of McDonalds U.S.A. Roberts said a survey had also found customers resented a vegetable — potato — being used as the main ingredient in the fries.
McDonalds will begin phasing out potatoes in October and move to completely vegetablefree fries by December of 2004. The new fat-friendly fries will feature beef fat and salt as the main ingredients.
McDonalds will also stop frying the fries in vegetable oil, Roberts said.
"We found that vegetable anything doesn't test very well in our focus groups," said Roberts. "So, because we care about our customers, we will fry the new fries in the excess grease that runs off of our hamburgers. We may in the future add vegetable oil-fried french fries to the menu
for our health-conscious customers, but we'll just have to see about that."
Frequent McDonalds visitor Alex Powell, Eudora freshman, applauded the decision.
"I never realized that french fries were made from a vegetable,"said Powell. "They fooled me all these years, but I'm glad they are at least finally coming clean and correcting their horrible mistake. Imagine going to McDonalds and eating a vegetable. How whack is that?"
In related stories, yesterday on Wall Street shares of the nation's leading health care stocks were up 87 percent, Dick Cheney scheduled his twelfth heart attack for after the 2002 elections, and the United States, without further need for the state of Idaho, traded the potato-making state to Canada for three lakes and a Zamboni to be named later.
Celine Dion will also be sent back to Canada in the deal.
Professors understanding of dirty hippies, study finds
By Ron Knox
Kansan satire writer
The report, released last week to some fanfare and celebration by groups of tree-hugging, granola-chewing freaks, documents a marked increase in both student grades and teacher communication among the University's consistently increasing population of stoned weirdoes.
A recent survey reveals a growing understanding and acceptance of dirty, stinking hippie students among university professors, a report released by the University of Kansas sociology department shows.
"The increase in teacher-student interaction between both tenured and part-time professors and filthy hippies has been proportionate, if not greater than, the growth curve of long-haired enrollment at the college," the report said.
It continued on to express an apparent increase in the overlooking of in-class sleeping, snacking and random chuckling. Also, the
"My teachers are dope, man," said Waldo Tuckerman, San Francisco, Calif., junior, whom anyone could peg for a total stoner from like a mile away. "They're always real friendly with me, and I know a lot of them pretty well."
"Those sunglasses are pretty cool," one teacher said. "If I could wear them in class, I would. Why not? The less I have to see their burning red eyes, the better."
Other professors, however, saw the masses of hemp wearers as simply numbers on a page.
report noted several quotes from anonymous teachers regarding compassion for students compelled to wear sunglasses during indoor classes.
Some of the sandal-footed slackers observed for the report said the professors' increasingly positive sentiments mirrored their own.
"Why should I care about them," another professor said in the report. "It's not like they ever come to class anyway. It's like free money for the school."
Jeremy, who recently retired from a career in adult movies, said that he was willing to settle the case out of court, although he did have videotaped evidence should the custard company currently marketing ButterBurgers be unwilling to comply.
LAWRENCE — Porn star Ron Jeremy, an icon to many an adolescent boys, has filed a formal suit against Culver's, makers of the famous ButterBurger, claiming he coined the phrase nearly 15 years ago.
Jeremy to sue over "ButterBurger" copyright
coming to comply.
"It's simple," Jeremy said. "We did the butter burger in a scene about 15 years ago. I've got tape. I've got audio. We just don't need to show it if we can help it."
Culver's would not comment on Jeremy's suit, except to say that it would set a dangerous precedent if he won.
—Henry C.Jackson
In Other News...
Student tries to pay tuition with Lawrence dollars
KU First disappointed by second place finish
Man hopes for attack
By Henry C. Jackson
Kansan satire writer
While the nation waits for definitive action from the Bush administration's increasingly tense stance on Iraq, Paul Ince, Lawrence resi dent, has already made up his mind.
it has already made up," We need to bomb Sadaam," Ince said.
Some prominent public figures share Ince's view vice-president Dick Cheney and comedian and incredibly bad football play-by-play man Dennis Miller among them.
Ince's justification is more capitalistic than military, however.
Ince, a self proclaimed "wily fad-buying guy" has for more than ten years sat on a stock of more than 10.000 "Bomb Sadaam" T-shirts left over from the Gulf War in 1991.
Ince said that if a war with Iraq took place, he might finally be able to unload his cache of T-shirts.
Danny Diamond, a staff member at The Third Planet, 846 Massachusetts St., one of the myriad stores that specialize in the sale of useless crap in Lawrence, said he thought Ince's stockpile might have some potential.
"I sent Dubya a letter," Ine said. "I told him if he wanted to help small businesses, he knew what the correct business was."
"I took a bath on those things, but I never got rid of them." Ince said. "If we go to war, then I'll make some dadgum money won't t? Hell, with inflation, I might just make a profit."
"I know we'd sell his shirts if we went to war," Diamond said. "We sell Jesus bobblehead dolls. Do you think we won't sell T-shirts of soon-to-be deposed despots?"
Ince said he was looking forward to a quick decision by President Bush.
Eric Braem/Kansan
Paul Ince, Lawrence resident, peddles his 'Bomb Sadaam' T-shirts at the corner of 9th and Massachusetts Streets Tuesday.